Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Mini Pecan Pies - Because Everything is Better Mini

Do you need a different but still tradish dessert for tomorrow? (Do you hate that I just said tradish?) Are you apprehensive about cutting pie because it crumbles apart as you wonder how the eff actual bakeries and/or Luby's cut perfectly triangular slices of pie? Do you agree that all regular sized food is infinitely cuter when minified? 


Mini Pecan Pies
Makes 8 mini pies

3/4 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1 1/2 cups flour

Cream butter and sugar. Gradually add flour. Press mixture into bottom and sides of 8 greased tart pans. It's really that easy.

Pro tip: Don't spread it too thin - the crust or the love. The base needs to be sturdy enough to hold the warm heavenly goop that is the filling of pecan pie. Or any pie, really. 

Pie Filling:
3 eggs
1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter, melted
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups pecan halves

Mix everything but the pecans. Then add the pecans. Seriously, pecan pie is one of the easiest desserts to make. Spoon 1/3 cup of the mixture into each crusted tart pan (we went from greased tarts to crusted tarts - such is life). Make sure you have enough pecans in each pie - exactly 8.3 pecans, no more and no less. (Kidding.) Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and cool on a wire rack until room temperature, then pop the pies out of the tart pans and win the Thanksgiving dessert table. 

Monday, November 24, 2014

Thanksgiving Leftovers Turkey Burgers

I feel like a fire has been lit. A new leaf turnt over. The fog has been lifted. Y'all, I went to the gym last night for the first time in over 6 weeks since injuring myself in the Tough Mudder. It took me 2 weeks of rest before I finally went to the doc, two more weeks of being in a funky funk from my diagnoses of torn ACL and dual menisci because I knew this recovery was gonna be a little more than just taking it easy. Now it's already been two since surgery. Hollaback. 

I'm so done with being gimped up in this brace. It's not my kinda sexy.

So anyway, today I have a fun recipe! Fact: I used to hate cooking because I didn't know what was up. That's why I ate cheap fast food (hayyyyy double bacon cheeseburger) and easy to prep meals like those frozen ones you just throw in the skillet. You know, the ones packed with sodium, preservatives, creamy sauces and calories. Then I was all, umm this has to change because I jiggle in all the wrong places. So one day I said, fuck da police, Ima learn to cook. Now I cook a whole lot once or twice a week and eat leftovers the rest of the time. My manfriend and I also cook just about every time we're together because with our forces combined in the kitchen, magical unicorns dance happy little jigs on our taste buds. If anyone asks, I'm the chef and he's the sous chef. 

Thanksgiving Leftovers Turkey Burgers

Ya need:
Ground turkey
Buns, hun. Hawaiian would be good.
Green bean casserole, prepped
Stuffing, prepped
Canned cranberry sauce

1. Form the ground turkey into patties and season liberally with salt, peper, thyme and sage. Ground turkey doesn't have the same amount of flavor as hamburger meat, so you have to rely on seasonings to make it pop. Cook it in a skillet with a scotche of olive oil. 

2. Form your stuffing into stuffing patties. Just use your fingers. (Twss.) Use a small cookie cutter to cut pickle-sized circles of cranberry sauce. You can also use a cookie cutter for the stuffing, I ain't judgin'.

3. Once the turkey is done, remove from skillet and top with a stuffing patty and a couple of cranberry sauce "pickles". Alternate method: smoosh the cranberry sauce into the top bun.

4. Toast ya buns. And then toast your hamburger buns. This will keep it from getting soggy because we're about to jump on the gravy train.

5. Build as follows: Bottom bun, green bean casserole (be sure to get some of those crunchy onions in there), turkey patty, stuffing patty, cranberry sauce, gravy (smeared on the top bun like a condiment), top bun. 

Consume your masterpiece within 1.5 seconds, because holy damn. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Ice ice baby, dun dun dun dun dadadundun

In exciting news, I've discovered the most amazing ice packs in the history of everything from physical therapy that I use daily. Y'all. If you have any sort of chronic inflammation that you ice on the reg, you NEED one of these. Seriously, they're so good.

I confessed my love for them to my physical therapist, and she informed me that you can buy them on Amazon. Shut. Up. Give me two. So I ordered two because holy shitballs, they. are. worth. it. It's the perfect amount of coldness. It velcros so that it stays put. It stays cold for a solid 30+ minutes. And it's huge - 9"x24". Totally worth every penny. Y'all, I'm so excited about my ice packs. It's called Elastogel and you can find it HERE. See for yourself. F'real.

But seriously, it's getting realio over here. Realio boring. I'm so done with this gimp knee, I can't do anything fun. The other day I was watching Chris Hemsworth have glistening, steamy relations with some ho a female that was very pretty and tan (it was in Rush, which was actually pretty good), as I sat on my couch bundled up in the pajamas that my manfriend had to help me put on, strapped in the machine that forces my leg to bend and straighten, stuffing my face with chips leaving a crumb trail of shame down my shirt. (I'm sexy and I know it.) Chris Hemsworth and friend were all tangled up in sweat lust-thrusting to the beat of the music as the gentle purr of my CPM machine kept me firmly planted in my lame reality.

5.75 months to go.

Walking in to work I race people (they don't know it) and today I totally passed this little old lady (then I spit in her face and slapped her notes out of her hand, like you do). I quit crutches (I wish I knew how to quit you) a week after surgery, same with pain meds. It feels good to be walking again, even though I hobble for a bit at first after I get up from sitting for a long time. Even though at the end of the day I'm so tired that I will give my kid anything he wants if he just goes to sleep so I can. Even though walking isn't running. Honestly, every day is a little bit better and I get stronger and stronger. This is all like déjà vu, except I feel like it's taking longer this time. But maybe I'm just impatient, it's only been 11 days. Not that anyone's counting.

Friday, November 14, 2014

So what now?

Recovery is a bitch. A big. ol'. bitch. The thing is, I still have everyday life stresses like work, paying bills and my kid, who thinks it's totally appropriate to burst into a scream/crying (scrying?) fit because I asked him to put on his socks. 

In my head: Listen, you little shit. You better get it together or I'm gonna smack you with my crutches.

What I actually said: Listen, you little shit. You better get it together or I'm gonna smack you with my crutches.

Just kidding. But seriously. Don't cross me, spawn. 

The thing I typically do to relieve stress, I can't do right now. (No, not masturbate. The other thing.) It's been over a month since I've had a decent run. It's been almost that long since I've been to the gym at all. Now that I've had surgery, at least I'm in the process of healing. While it still hurts real bad (my lips hurt real bad), I know that in a few months I'll be able to get back to running bigger better stronger faster than ever. But what do I do until then? Eat all the things? Gain all my weight back?

Fuck if I know, bro. I'm no expert, I'm just some chump that lost a bunch of weight. I do know that my arms aren't injured, they can probably still pump some iron. And I know that my abs aren't injured, they could probably still sit some ups. And I know that exercise sets my mind right. And I know I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

So far this time it's been hella more painful. I don't know if it's because it's the second time on the same leg and my knee is all wtf, bruh NOT AGAIN, NOOOOOO! Or if it's because they repaired more in there - the ACL and both menisci. (Probably the latter.) This time I have grand plans of listening to my doc and physical therapist and not pushing my limits. Also, I definitely have to keep my diet on point since bacardio is a thing of the past and future but not the present. Cheers.

Friday, November 7, 2014

ACL Surgery - Planning and Killin' It

Today I'm rockin' another ACL repair, aw yeahhhh. It would be silly if I didn't learn from past experience. I know that it's gonna be about 4-5 days before I feel like doing much beyond sitting and poppin' pills, so I've been busting ass (which I recently learned means farting, however in this case I mean working hard) all week to prepare so that this time around, maybe I'll be able to actually rest like the doctor ordered. 

Buy and prep. I spent a small fortune on groceries last weekend to prep a bunch of healthy food to freeze and then thaw and eat. Gotta be on point with this diet game. And by diet, I of course mean food intake, not some fad diet plan I'd never consider.

All the tupperware.
All of it.

If you come to visit me, don't bring food. Bring booze and cake, obvi.

Budget to order a muhfuggin' stuffed crust pizza. Meal prep is great and all, but surgery hurts and sometimes pizza makes the hurt go away a little bit. Plus, omfg have you even had stuffed crust pizza?

Clean all the things. I did all of my laundry last night, but lezbehonest, it's probably going to stay wrinkled up in the dryer for the next week or so. (Old habits.) I washed all of my dishes, cleaned the bathrooms and made things easily accessible. Like my flats (goodbye shawty heels, I'll see you again one day).

Think ahead. Y'all, I LOVE Christmas. I always have. Putting up the tree is my favorite, and like most people, my Christmas stuff is in the attic. Unlike most people, I'm not going to be able to get up in my attic to get it down. I enlisted help getting it down and put my tree up earlier this week because I have a totally valid reason to be decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving. Not that I even need it.

I put bottles of water (I'm sorry, environment. It's just for a little while.), extra clothes and snacks near my couch so I don't have to get up too much to get stuff. Ever tried to carry anything when you're on crutches? Shit gets real. I put my toothbrush in my downstairs bathroom because stairs are life-ruiners post-ACL repair. Life. Ruiners. I also dug up my backpack to carry things around, especially when I go back to work. Stoked about crutching around my office. No, really. 

Colace. I don't know if you know this, but they give you pain medication when you have surgery. (The only reason I'm even doing it.) The thing is, taking pain meds can stop up your pipes ifyaknowwhatimean (poop). I don't need that in my life, so I'm prepared. This bottle of Colace has gotten me through a C-Section and my first ACL repair. I've built a relationship with it. (Now that I think about it, it may be expired. Whatever.)

Gas. (For my CAR.) Getting gas for my car is one of my least favorite things about being an able-bodied adult. Enter post-surgical pain, a cumbersome straight-leg brace, crutches and cold weather. NOPE. I filled up my tank to delay the inevitable for as long as possible and maybe I'll luck out and someone else will pump my gas for me when I need it. I'm merely a crippled female.

Rest. Listen, don't be jelly that I'm gonna sit on my couch and watch Star Wars all day on Saturday in machete order. Judge away, honeybadger don't give a fuck. This time around I may mix it up and follow the rehab schedule instead of getting ahead of myself, then maybe my knee will heal properly and won't hurt every time I run. I mean, maybe. Doctors probably know what they're talking about, I guess. Anywho, think happy thoughts, y'all! I'm probably currently in an anesthetized and/or pain killer stupor, just now beginning the long road to recovery. 1 day down, 179 to go!

Friday, October 31, 2014

Frisky Friday (sort of) but mostly, we have a winner!

Just real quick, I'd like to congratulate Leslie M. on Winning the Younique 3D Fiber Lashes giveaway! Leslie, please email me your address. You're gonna love it! Bummed about not winning? Before you do anything drastic, don't forget that you have until tomorrow to buy it as part of my party: Click here for the magic. (<--That's a link to my virtual party.) It really is awesome!

Halloween is one of my favorite times of year. Do you love dressing up as slutty as possible on the one day of the year it's encouraged? Of course you do. How else would everyone know you're DTF?

Listen, I'm not talking the boring ol' skimpy lingerie plus angel wings or devil horns. That's been done. Corset and cat ears? Anything with cat ears? Ehhhhh. Old news. We need something a little more unique. The competition is fierce at the Halloween ragers I frequent, so you gotta keep it fresh. Don't worry, though. After much searching I found the perfect costume:

It's topical. 
It shows a lot of skin, so it's clearly ironic and risqué. 
It's definitely not insensitive. 
Or too soon. 
Or the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
It's perfect.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Here we go again.

Nobody thought it. I finished the Tough Mudder. The next day I walked around The State Fair of Texas for a few hours. I mean, it hurt and it was swollen, but come on. The Tough Mudder was tough. It's par for the course to be in a little bit of pain the next day.

Fast forward 2 weeks of RICE-ing. Rest. Ice. Compression. Elevation. This isn't my first rodeo, I know the rules. I give running a go and I can't. I just...can't. I hobbled about a quarter mile and then had to walk home. Every strike against the pavement felt like I was being stabbed with Michonne's katana, and my leg felt unstable under my weight. I was discouraged. This was when I thought, oh shit maybe I really hurt myself. I called the doc on Monday and make an appointment for Thursday, the soonest he was available. After x-raying, he scheduled an MRI immediately and then I had to wait an entire weekend to get the results, not before they called me in urgently on Saturday morning for additional imaging. Monday I got the report, but it has a lot of medical words and dammit Jim, I'm a blogger not a doctor. One thing stood out to me in the second bullet point though. Shit.

So I stressed. I was all nerves for the rest of the day until my appointment on Tuesday. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. But it could still just be a torn cartilage, right? Maybe the radiologist read the images wrong. I walked in to the doctor thinking it's, worst case, a torn meniscus, and best case, I'm just being a whiny little betch. I wasn't even allowing the other thing to enter my mind. I couldn't. I guess I was in the denial phase.

They were running on time, thank the lawd because I couldn't take another minute. The medical assistant, who is this awesome athlete by the way, took me back and gave me some wicked hot paper shorts to put on under my dress and then I waited for the doc. He came in, did one more examination, testing the limits and range of motion and then asks me to sit up. And then he said it. "You've re-torn your ACL."


Not again. Not when it's only been a year since the last time. FUCK. I asked what the odds are that it's not torn and it could be something else? Zero. Shit. Can I fix it without surgery, could it just heal up? Unfortunately not if I want to continue being active.

So here we go again. ACL surgery part deux on November 7. At least I'll get to go trick-or-treating with my kiddo in his hilariously awesome costume this weekend before being down for the count. And maybe I'll get a pedicure so at least my toes look nice sticking out of that monster leg brace. Do leg braces come in magenta? Maybe I should look into investing in a pretty one if this is going to be an annual event.