Wednesday, April 1, 2015

How to do a lunch hour workout

Am I allowed to take a lunch/gym break when I work from home, or is it required that I work straight through lunch to prove that I'm actually working and not laying around in my pajamas watching Friends reruns? I've been home with strep for the past 2 days. Now that my fever has gone away I feel okay, I'm just contagious AF and I don't want to infect my coworkers with strep cooties. BECAUSE I'M NICE. 

Anyway, so I get asked this a lot: "HOW do you EVEN workout at lunch?" Well, I'll tell you how I even.

1. I don't consistently wake up early enough to exercise, and when I do wake up early enough I need at least 30 minutes to fully awaken before I can be productive in my workout. My stomach needs time to wake up too, since it's an asshole. If I jump immediately into a sweatsesh, it will either end badly (vom fest) or I won't push myself as hard as normal to avoid it ending badly. Daily 5am workouts just don't jive with my system. Occasionally though.

2. I hate working out in the gym after work. The machines are all taken and there are too many men in tank tops. I could workout in the home gym I'm slowly building, but my schedule is pretty tight when I get home. Gotta get dinner in, bath time and I want to play with my kid or do other stuff, like fun new projects for y'all. 

3. I don't have a husband I can leave my kid with. If I wake up for a 6am run, what am I gonna do with my kid? Aside from knee surgery x2, this is the reason I haven't signed up for a marathon. I can't commit to that much training until I commit to a man babysitter or my kid is old enough to take care of himself/sleep in long enough for it not to matter. And after work? My gym's daycare closes at 6pm, so that's ZERO help for single working moms. I'm lookin' at you, 24 hour fitness.

Basically I workout at lunch because I have to.

But what do you do exactly?
Do y'all use Google Calendar? Because I do. I use it to keep track of my kid's schedule, when to pay bills, normal stuff like appointments & birthdays, and also my workouts. I usually plan a couple of weeks in advance and at the beginning of the month I make a goal for the end of the month. March's goal was 125lbs. I was not successful because I ate too many calories, so I'm gonna carry that over to April's goal. I just rilly wanna lose 5 pounds. (Okay, a little more than 5.) By the end of April I also want to be able to run a 5k in 30 minutes, which will be close to pre-surgery time. I'm confident I'll get there, because yesterday I ran 2 miles at a 10 minute pace while streppin'. Steppin' while streppin'. That's gonna be the name of my workout video.

You didn't answer the question. What do you DO?
It varies. I LOVE cardio, it makes me feel good and sweat a lot and it's my favorite way to exercise. I always start with a little cardio and then move to weights, so if you break it down by the hour:
5 minutes: Change into gym clothes

20 minutes: cardio. Run a couple of miles or speed walk at a steep incline have been my faves lately. I also love the stair climber, but they don't have one at my lunch gym.

20 minutes: weights. I choose a muscle group to work each day, but I do a little bit of knee therapy every day since I'm technically still recovering from surgery. Circuits are my favorite because I think they keep you on your toes and use time more efficiently. So since today is arm day, I'll do:
10 bicep curls
10 tricep push downs
10 squats with weighted arm raises
x3
10 medicine ball throws (straight up and catch it as you sink into a small squat)
10 car drivers with the same medicine ball
10 pushups, sometimes with weights 
x3
If I still have time I'll run through it 4x. The medicine ball throws are my fave because it's kinda like playing sports. By yourself.

15 minutes: get dressed. Maybe shower, maybe not. That's what the 5,000 bottles of body spray you have are for. Also, deodorant. I have deodorant in my gym bag and my desk just in case my fat starts crying stanky tears unexpectedly. I have a gym towel that I LOVE for when I shower at the gym, because it's super absorbent and folds way smaller than the towel with the dancing jalapenos that your aunt brought you back from her cruise to Mexico. Recommend.

It's a tight schedule, but it keeps me focused.


But when do you eat lunch if you workout at lunch?
I eat before and after my gym sesh while I'm working. I usually eat 4ish times at work and I try not to take smelly stuff like fish, and if I do I'll usually eat it cold. (You're welcome, coworkers.) I mean how am I gonna set a good example if I make the break room smell like bubbleguts all the time?

But how do you not look ratchet AF when you get back to work?
I take my makeup and flat iron with me so I can cover up my red cheeks and iron out the bump in my hair the ponytail holder leaves, make my messy waves perfectly messy again or just leave it up because ain't nothin' gonna help. Y'all, I've had that flat iron for 3 years on the nose now. It's rad and not as expensive as Chi and other brands. 

Do you have other questions? I'm going to do a video again soon, aka once my voice gets back to normal. Ask me questions about my workout, foods, recipes, love life or whatever and I'll either answer them or not on the YouTubes sometime next week! You can email me at meg(at)nerkyblog(dot)com if you want to ask privately. I'll be sure to announce your first and last name in the video. (Just kiddin'.)

Monday, March 30, 2015

Birthdays and abs

Y'all, I found out my manfriend's kid's birthday was this weekend on Thursday night and pulled a Minecraft cake out of my ass by Saturday. I mean, not literally. But still. Totally nailing this dad-has-the-coolest-girlfriend charade I'm pullin'.

What a creeper, amiright?
That's only funny if you play Minecraft.
Or I could just explain it.
These green dudes are called creepers.
Done.

And what a PERFECT excuse to try Starbucks' new birthday cake frappuccino. (To this day, I have no idea how to spell that word.) Who cares if he wasn't with me, it's the thought that counts. For the record it's super good, but there's no coffee in it, so what's the point? I like my coffee like I like my men, strong and existent. 

This was after froyo Friday with my kid and dad. And after we also had Freebirds for dinner because my dad "would rather spend his money on us than some date". (Ladies, he's singllllle.) And after I ate more cake scraps and icing leftovers than I care to admit. (Let's just call it QA.) It was, however, before I had an actual piece of cake. And Taco Bell (<3) for breakfast on Sunday. And also half a milkshake. 

Epiphany: This is why I don't have abs.


With a shirt? I ain't even mad about it. I've lost 70lbs, son. #PROUD. I can have an eat-like-shit-weekend and not even worry about it. I weigh the same. My clothes still fit. Life is good. Without a shirt? Ehhhhhh, I could do better. It's not even about loose skin from being both fat and pregnant at the same time, it's about these last few stubborn pounds of fat. Why can't I eat pizza for every meal AND be skinny? (One of life's great questions.) 

Not much of a change from last week...but there is a little change. Baby steps to abz. I don't even want a six pack. I just want to not jiggle. Numero uno, I gotta keep my diet on point, because abs are made in the kitchen. Luckily I'm a woman, so I feel very comfortable there. Numero dos, getting back into a solid cardio routine will help burn the existing fat. And numero tres, ab work to define those muscles. That's my plan and I'm stickin' to it, unless you have better ideas. Or are a wizard that can magic me a flat stomach.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

I can haz abs?

Yesterday I got my body fat percentage tested by a bro'd out 40-something gymrat wearing Bono glasses and under armour, so I guess it's getting pretty serious. It's 23.5%, which puts me in the ideal/fitness/athletic range depending on where you're looking. Some charts say average, some say I'm overweight, some say I'm fit. It's neat how it's not standardized. Super helpful.

I'm pretty stiz-oked that it hasn't changed basically at all since my workouts have been less intense and frequent since surgery. The thing is, I made a goal with myself a while ago that I would have a flat stomach by Summer 2015 so that I could run outside on the surface of the sun in a Texas summer confidently in just a sports bra. As in, no shirt. Sun's out, guns out, amiright? Turns out summer is a-fast-approachin' and I'm, uhhmmmm, still jiggly.


#iwokeuplikethis

I bought the most awesome sports bra as motivation/because I'm addicted to Amazon. Obviously it's way too rad to be covered up by a shirt (unless I wear a white button up, right?), so I need to cut my body fat percentage down so I can jiggle less. I started by throwing away my Oreos. Baby steps to GAINZ.

Friday, March 20, 2015

I'm in the wrong field

As I was prying myself out of bed this morning an hour later than I should be getting up because it's cloudy outside and I'm tired from working all week, it dawned on me that I'm in the wrong profession. Why should I have to get up and go to my 8-5? I have yoga pants. I have a tiny, cute dog I can carry everywhere. I have fake blonde hair. I love overpriced lattes. 

I should be a trophy wife. 

Pros:
- You can drink Starbucks everyday and not worry about your budget. You could even get a VENTI! Just kidding, trophy wives get grandes, max, to maintain their girlish figure. Tall? That's for poor people, bless their souls.

- You don't have to wake up for anything, except maybe a vaginal steaming appointment.

People who go to neighborhood pools? LOL. During the day while people are working, you are poolside at your own backyard oasis chasing speed with skinny margaritas. 

- People look at you funny if you don't dress your dog in people clothes.

- When your car needs an oil change, you just buy a new one.

And none of this is with money you had to work to earn, so you don't have to worry about stress wrinkles or filing taxes.

Cons:
- Potential for a loveless marriage. 

Looks like the pros outweigh the cons in this case. 

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Rehab

I need to be done with knee rehab like, yesterday. This taking it slow bidness is getting real old, real fast. I feel so fragile, and that's just not my style. I'm only a delicate little flower wuss when there's a spider in the vicinity.

So here's a tip, y'all. Ready? It's legit. Okay. Don't tear your ACL and/or menisci. Especially try not to do it twice. Recovery is a bitch and I feel weak as hell. It's been over four months since surgery and I'm still easing back into working out and I'm damn sure nowhere near where I was before surgery. At six months, aka May 7, I'll be released to start doing everything, including running longer distances and plyometrics.

But do you want to know something? My knee hurts. I don't know if it's from overexertion or if it's normal pain from building muscle back up. When I run a slow mile on the treadmill, it hurts. When I walk at an incline, it hurts. If I do a lot of walking in heels, it hurts. It always hurts. Aren't I doing everything right this time? Ya know, like listening to the doc and, I dunno, not running a half marathon 3 months post-op? So what the deuce is the issue, why does it hurt so much?


My left quad (the leg with the scar - I should have requested a lightning bolt) is a pwecious wittle attempt at muscle, while my right quad is normal-ish. Snot like I want to be quadzilla or anything, but building that muscle back is integral to full knee recovery. Or so the experts tell me. So I'm working on it.

Color me frustrated, impatient and broke from spending all my money on surgery and Captain America tank tops.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Not pizza

I just went in my pantry to smell cookies. I might have a problem. They just smell so...delicious. Like they'd probably rather be inside me than in the cold, dark package.

Confession: Last week I ate a whole row of Oreos in one day. Technically it could have been worse. Could have been one sitting. Or a whole package. But still, the struggle. (The strug, for short.) On the flip side, I haven't eaten a single Oreo since that day. So basically I binge, and then I'm cool. Seems like a healthy approach. (Sarcasm.)

I had a hectic week last week, and when I'm super busy I tend to let my food guard down a little bit more. I'm more likely to try the new sriracha quesarito from Taco Bell (<3) - it wasn't as good as I was hoping. Womp.

But here's the thing, you know what I've never had? A person on my healthy eating team. By that, I mean someone there to make turkey bacon and eggs for us when all the kids get pancakes and butter flavored syrup. 

Someone who gets hungry mid-day and figures I probably am too and offers me an apple instead of the leftover birthday cake I would have eaten without that extra motivation. It's nice, and makes it a lot easier to make healthy choices when someone else is there making them with you.

Someone who works out most days and knows the struggle of wanting to look hella good nekkid, but also wanting pizza. It really makes all the difference, being with someone who encourages you to be healthier. Manfriend on point.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

How to KEEP weight off

I've kept off my 70 pounds for like 2 years or something now. (High five!) I fluctuate a bit between 130-135, and eventually I want to get lower, like 120. That's a reasonable goal for my 5'2" frame if I could just PUT DOWN THE MOTHERTRUCKING SNACKS AT NIGHT. I mean, Jesus be some self control, seriously.

It's just that popcorn is so good. And chips. And the chocolate my friend sent me from Germany. The struggle.

Anyway, even with my faults and some not-awesome habits, even with cutting wayyyyyy back on exercise due to knee surgery last November, I've still kept off my 70 pounds. But how? What is this sorcery? Well, it's an ancient magic spell called "create good habits, stop making excuses and make life changes". Then after months of consistency and hard work, POOF, you're healthy and fit. 

What it's not: fad diets, juice cleanses, etc. If you tell yourself "Okay I rilly wanna lose 15 pounds, so I just gotta stop eating carbs til my sister's wedding in June," then you will maybe lose some weight, and then as soon as you reintroduce carbs into your diet, you will gain it all back and then some. I see it happen on the reg.

My habits:
I carry a water bottle with me everywhere. I started when I was in my third trimester during the hottest summer Dallas has had in the past 20 years. You don't have to go balls out and carry around a gallon jug of water everywhere you go. Get a reusable water bottle and start taking it to work. Leave it on your desk and drink throughout the day. If you don't have to get up a million times to fill up a tiny cup with water, you're more likely to drink more. You will be getting up to pee, though. That's just science. Before? I didn't drink much water at all. I ate food instead. Like pizza rolls and pop tarts.

I eat off of small platess. At first it was just to get my portion sizes under control, and now it's just something people judge me for when they come to my house for meals. Before? I ate off of...regular sized plates. Well, that was anti-climactic. Essentially, I ate more than was necessary.

I have easy, healthy snacks available and just as convenient as driving through Taco Bell. Lawd, just GIVE me that quesarito in and around my mouth. But NO. I have a protein bar in my purse. I always have hard baked eggs in my fridge, protein bars and fruit hanging around. Before? Helloooooo Snickers bar in the afternoon. How YOU doin' McDonald's while I'm out running errands?

I exercise 4-6 times/week and I mix it up. I run, do yoga, do zumba, lift weights, do crossfit, ride my bike, and so on. You gotta keep it interesting, like your online dating profile. Before? I would go to the gym one time, get on the elliptical for an hour and call it donezo for a week or two.

So how do you keep weight off? You create good habits and keep them. For the record, I still totally eat carbs. Like a lot.