Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Whoopsie daisies

Do you ever think to yourself, goddamn I'm dumb sometimes, why did they give me a degree? How am I even allowed to adult without supervision, much less regularly operate a motor vehicle?

I'm pretty sure I don't know how a 4 way stop is actually supposed to work. I'm probably the one everyone hates for going out of turn. I'm sorry.

Literally every time I send a meeting request from Outlook for work, I fuck it up in some way or another. One time all I did was delete an unsent request from my calendar, which effectively notified everyone on the list of a conference cancellation, for which the original invite had never been sent, nor had the conference even been announced. Cool. Real smooth. I revised my resume to say "proficient in MS Office with the exception of Outlook, at which I am a total dipshit".

I dropped scissors pointy side down while barefoot on Monday. That was 2.5 seconds of shear terror. (See what I did there? Shear?)

I once poured beer into hot oil. I do not recommend this. It exploded, because science. I didn't get the deposit back on that apartment.

I used the wrong "there" in an email at work. It was the single most heart-sinking realization I've had at work when I noticed it after it had already been sent.

My point is, I'm a well-educated straight A honor roll honors society college degree'd mofo, and also a total fuckup. It's called balance.

And that's okay. Mistakes make us human and brain farts make life interesting.

Tell me a totally dumb thing you've done in the comments! We can all be human today together.

Monday, May 23, 2016

In the kitchen

Mawwidge is what bwings us togevvah. 

Y'all I've been living marriage part deux for about 6 months now, and can I just say that I'm still struggling to find a workout routine? (#strugglebus) Maybe lack of routine is my new routine. The new normal does not include meal prep like I'm used to, but I do plan our dinners out on a handy-dandy dry erase board in the kitchen. And I make sandwiches for the week on Sunday for the kids' lunches and freeze them. It's the most genius thing a family friend taught me, partly because you get it all done at once so you're not stuck making sandwiches every night, and partly because the frozen sandwich acts as the ice pack in their lunch boxes. And it thaws by lunch time into a perfectly normal sandwich. It's the best.

Sandwich game, efficient AF. 

This is a very grown up thing to be excited about. 

Let's not pretend this is all about mature life hacks. Did I tell you about the "I see a cat" kid? I didn't. We have new neighbors, and we had the pleasure of meeting one of their kids when she visited our house on a door-to-door mission to sell "posters". Obviously I had to see them, and at that point I would have felt like a grade A dillhole if I didn't buy one, so I chose the best one and forked over $.50. Ever since then, "I see a cat" has been the anchor of our fridge art display, because sure.

The next one is a page from the Sweary Book adult coloring book, which is a truly fantastic thing. You need to get it or print the free pages by joining the newsletter. It's the prettiest motherfucker in the kitchen.

And then there's my belated Mother's Day gift from the only girl. Being a stepmom is weird and cool and I don't care that she spelled my name wrong or that the vase is crying blood tears, because she made me an actual poster, dammit. Plus she thinks I'm rad, so maybe I'll be the cool stepmom that buys her her first bottle of mango rum or something. So, whatever. Maybe it's fine that meal prepping doesn't happen as much anymore. I mean, there are a lot of kids to take care of now. I'll just keep rollin' with the punches and running/biking/swimming when I can. 


Also, this is what my dog looks like after a bath and it's so cute and pathetic that I can't keep it all to myself. You're welcome.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Humble pie

I've been swimming in my neighborhood pool to practice for the tri that I'm still on the fence about doing in mid-June. I have til Friday to decide. It's just that...lakes are icky and mama's not interested in drowning. We'll see though, there are some races coming up that have a pool swim and I'd probably be more down (further down?) with that. Because lakes are icky. It's worth saying twice.

So the other night I was at the lap pool swimming, and it was uncharacteristically busy. Probably something to do with it being warm outside now. Anyway, so I was grumpy to begin with because ugh work and ugh chores and ugh not enough sleep and ugh first world problems and there are these fuckers normal teenagers that seem to gravitate to wherever I'm swimming so I have to go around them. They're just playing normal kid-at-the-pool stuff, but dammit I'm tryna swim heah, but I adjust my path to accommodate because the world doesn't revolve around me, no biggie. 

Until I was minding my own damn business swimming laps and one of them jumped right into me. Aw hayl naw. So what did I do? I audibly scoffed at them LIKE AN OLD ASS and picked up swimming laps again. 

Two strokes in, I inhaled some water and had to stop to have a coughing/gasping for air fit. Like an old ass. 

Karma, amiright? 

I'm not some old ass. I'm not some un-fun grown-up, but I certainly was that night. Time to take a deep breath (of air this time) and yank that stick right on out of my ass.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Winner Winter

I started tri-training again, y'all, because no matter how many times you tell me, I still refuse to believe there are only 24 hours in a day. Sunday was my first outdoor ride on Winter and it's quite a bit different than training indoors in air conditioning while watching Jessica Jones on Netflix. Like I have to actually use the features of the bike. Like the brakes. And I have to take into account the world around me. Like wind and hills and cars.

My quads and peripheral vision muscles hurt just thinking about it again. 

It turns out I was blindingly unaware of exactly how out of shape I am. I remember riding my bike 10 miles (uphill both ways in the snow) no problemo. Just an easy Sunday afternoon ride. Yesterday I was huffing after 2 miles. TWO.

Houston, we have a fatty problem. I gotta get it into gear (that's a little bike humor for ya) STAT, lest I come in last place in the tri like last time. Okay I wasn't last place, but damn near. Swimming is hard.

Speaking of, I had my first swim on Sunday too, aka the highly anticipated and much revered return of the cheeseburger swim cap. First of all, it's possible that I was so tired biking because I swam 350 meters first and this was the first time in a while I had done either of the things. Second of all, I am one lucky mofo to have a lap pool in my neighborhood within walking distance of my house. I mean, seriously. #blessed

So the race that I want to do is in mid-June, which gives me roughly 6 weeks to get my shit together enough to not drown. Plenty o' time. I mean, probably. Sure. (#confidence)

May the fourth be with you.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016


You guys, I witnessed my husfriend's dishwashing method this weekend and it's so weird. See, usually doing the dishes is my job because I'm a woman. On this rare occasion that I did not do the dishes immediately, they piled up in the sink and I asked him to pretty please do them because mama's tired.

And he did. And I love him for that.

But y'all, it was so weird.

See, when I do dishes, I do a pre-rinse pre-game to get all the chunks off, then I tetris them into the dishwasher immediately and efficiently. Badabing, badaboom. Not him. Nope. He pre-games every dish and then stacks it according to type. On the counter. Even the kids silverware was separate from the adult silverware. Only when each dish is rinsed and organized does he gather his game plan for proper loading. I don't. I can't. There's so much strategy and thought....for dishes.

The counter was clear before he started. 
In his defense, it was a lot of dishes.
It was only a days worth.
I have so many roommates.

I mean, I sorta get the strategy. You can see what you have and load the dishwasher as efficiently as possible, but I think you lose points for getting the counter all wet and cluttered and having to touch each dish twice. You don't get all the tetris tiles at once, you get 'em one at a time, amiright?

Am I wrong? How do YOU do the dishes?

Monday, April 18, 2016


My stepson's birthday party sleepover extravaganza (slumber party?) was this weekend, and being the adult in charge is a new level of strange. Just like how swimming as a kid is hella fun, and swimming as an adult is hella work, being the parents hosting the sleepover instead of the kid attending a sleepover is SO WEIRD. I don't know what to say or what to do or how to sit is it hot in here do you think I'm just the right amount of cool or are we trying too hard I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS.

This was my first teenage sleepover as a stepmom. Actually, I'm pretty sure it was Jason's first too (that's my husfriend's name, y'all). So I did what I know. I fed them. Like a mom.

ALL the snacks.

Chocolate cupcakes with strawberry filling topped with whipped cream. Aww yeahhh.

Xbox cake

Fondant is pretty and all, but I don't like working with it and kids rarely like eating it. Plus, I've hear rumors of interestingly colored....movements. That's less related to fondant and more related to the amount of dye, but yanno. I'll report back if I hear of any bloop. The controller is made/shaped out of fruity pebbles rice krispie treats and covered in icing and fondant, like last year's Avengers cake for my little spawn. Pro tip: freeze a block of rice krispie (I used fruity pebbles because it tastes better), and then carve it out of the frozen block. Refreeze as it starts to get too sticky to work with.

Mostly it was a breeze because they played games all night with the occasional light saber battle break.

And then we fell asleep before they did because we're lame parents. Or maybe it was the wine, who can say.

The princesses slept in and my manfriend made them waffles for breakfast (lunch) because he's adorbs, and even though it rained all day, these honey badgers DGAF. They swam and spa'd anyway and stayed most of the day.

Overall I think we did aight. High fives all around.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

The elephant in the room

Let's talk about the elephant in the room.

I painted a purple elephant in photoshop class last night. Mostly inbetween the steps of the lesson about painting a landscape because I don't like painting landscapes (in photoshop or otherwise). But the real exciting news is that, as of 10pm last night, I'm done with my photoshop class and officially 3/10 done with my graphic design certificate. w00t. I'm also done with night classes for the rest of the month and that's the best news because mama's tired.

Speaking of purple elephants (who has multiple stories about purple elephants? me.), one time when I was a kid my dad took my brothers and me to Vegas because he's straight ratchet, and because we weren't 21, Vegas wasn't fun for us in the way it's fun for us now (getting married on a whim and searching every casino for Buffalo Stampede slot machines because some rando in Austin said to play them and them only). So we spent our time in the midways for kids while my dad did cocaine off of celebrities. Just kidding, he was with us. (Doing cocaine off of celebrities.)

So anyway. Nobody did cocaine and we didn't see any celebrities. But I did learn that I'm extremely gifted at ring toss games. You know the one with the little rings that you throw and try to get it on the coke bottles? Yeah. I win at that, turns out.

When the ring clanked around the the bottle neck, my face lit up as fast as my dad's heart sank because he was the poor bastard that had to carry the 3.5 foot tall purple gorilla that I won around Vegas. So much for hookers and drugs, amiright?

The thing is, that bastard was too big to take home on the plane (and the gorilla was too, heyoooooo), and because I was an 8 year old asshole, I WOULD NOT just leave him there. So my dad paid like a zillion doll hairs to ship the giant stuffed monkey back to Texas. 

Now would be an excellent time to show a picture of the giant stuffed purple gorilla (that I named "Purp", because I'm creative AF), but I don't have one, so sorry to disappoint.