Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Sprint Tri

Last night I signed up for a sprint triathlon on June 7. (Insert nervous face emoji here.) From what I gather, sprint distances vary a bit. This one is a 500m swim, 14 mile bike ride and 3.1 mile run, so basically level: n00b. It will be a good first step into tris and I'll be that much closer to crossing another thing off my bucket list! (I asked them to add a zipline portion so I could cross 2 things off, but they haven't returned my calls.) I'm very excited about a race that involves wardrobe changes.

With 63% confidence, I can say that I can currently complete each piece of the race separately. As of right this moment, however, I'd probably not be 100% successful in living through it if I tried to do all three together. But that's the point, races give you a goal to reach for. I need some new and exciting goals now that my knee is mostly healed. (Unrelated: Is playing soccer again a terrible idea? Because I really want to. Really.)

I'm not gonna lie, friends. I'm rill nervous about race day. I don't have ANY triathlon gear and it's new and scary and weird and it seems very, very expensive and everything is happening so fast I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS. I'm definitely not going balls out and buying a road bike for this, I'll just power through on my cruiser. I can put my dog in the basket. Or maybe a picnic lunch for me and my future triathlon friends.


Do you have any solid triathlon advice? Tell me in the comments!

Monday, April 27, 2015

New Nerky

Nerky got a facelift over the weekend! (Tell me if it looks weird on your computer, phone or tablet, k? Thanks.)  Too bad it's not a boob job, amiright? Speaking of boob jobs, you're welcome from Texas. 

Also speaking of boobs, have you ever had a gym rat tell you that you should do more chest focused workouts because it will make your boobs look perkier? Because I have. There's probably some merit to that, if you consider the muscle building up but,

One, what? We weren't even talking. Do you work here? Where did you come from?

Two, uh, stop being judgey about my breastases. Mind ya own.

Three, have you ever created a human inside you and then birthed and fed it with your bosom? No? Cool, maybe you should try that, and then go ahead and hit that chest workout hard, brah.

This is why I'm slowly building my fortress of swole-itude in my garage - so I don't have to talk to people at the gym anymore. Clearly I need to work on my RBF.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Mash it.

First things first: Did anybody tear up when Taylor Swift's mom gave her the milestone award at the ACMs last night? (Read: Bawl like a baby.) Just me? Cool. Also, Reba looks AMAZING. Also, what's with the wallet chains? Are they making a comeback? Also, if you're surprised that I like country music, you may also be surprised to learn that I am not a Republican. (Did you hear that? That was me Hulk-smashing stereotypes.) I wish I could have gone to the show because I LOVE award shows and country music and it was basically in my backyard at Cowboys Stadium (which I think is call AT&T stadium now, but who really keeps track), but shitbitch those tickets were expensive and I'm not ready to give up my firstborn yet. Maybe if they would have had a Groupon for it.

Speaking of Groupons, I had the weirdest massage. 

I bought it as a treat to myself after a hectic week at work. Was this a mistake? Is this not how normal people get massages? Because let me tell you a little story.

The receptionist walked me back to a huge open space with two massage beds and a bucket. Cool. She didn't ask me to "undress to my comfort level" as they usually do. Instead, she began my massage while I was laying face up and fully clothed with my legs dangling off the edge of the table, and this included mashing my boobs like my high school boyfriend did in his shaggin' wagon. (It was a station wagon with pillows and blankets in the back. Not even kidding.) Question: Are they supposed to yank your arm out to the side as far as it will go and then press your bicep? (She just wanted to feel dem gainz.) As I said, my feet were hanging off the edge of the table. In a bucket of water. I was secretly hoping for a free pedicure, but turns out she just washed my feet. Like..Jesus? It was Sunday, I suppose. This was the first massage I've ever had that involved a bath. Then? She left with no explanation. She was gone for a solid 5 minutes, y'all. When she came back, she rubbed my leg for so long she had to re-pump her warming lotion four times. And then she did the same thing to my other leg. After the boob handling, I'm just glad she didn't have other plans for her warming lotion. At one point I asked her if she was going to massage my back as well, and she assured me that she would get there and then left the room again. Is this real life?

When she came back, she asked me to flip over on my belly. Aw yeah, gimme that back rub. Wait. Do I feel her...climbing on the table? Is she...straddling me? Yes. The stout Asian woman climbed up on the table, swung her leg over me and sat on my ass to elbow jab me in the back. This must be a new technique I'm unfamiliar with.

When she finished, she climbed off of me with no words and left the room for a third time. I figured it was over, so I start to get up as she returned with a dixie cup half-filled with water, handed it to me and stared me down. What is this for? Do I wash something with it? Do I shoot it? Do I sip it? Am I about to be roofied?

It was the most confusing massage I've ever had.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Eating out with chil'ren

Have you ever taken your kid(s) out to eat by yourself? Things you don't think about until they're happening and you're the only adult on duty: 

- What do I do with our food when they have to go potty and give you less than zero warning?
- How do I handle the attack crow dive-bombing our table?
- How important is it that I clean up allllll the mess?
- What do I say when he shouts, "REMEMBER WHEN MY POOP WAS GREEN?"
- What is the least amount of dignity I'm comfortable with leaving with?

I took my spawn out to Freebirds last night because sometimes cooking is for the birds. (See what I did there?) While we're in line, he has to go potty. We've already started the bowl assembly, y'all, and the stoner kid with a questionable nose piercing behind the counter DGAF about my situation. I KNOW GUAC IS EXTRA, JUST SLOP IT ON THERE AND GIVE IT. The family of snails and/or other slow-moving creatures in front of me also DGAF. Y'all 'bout to get toddler piss all over the damn place if you don't get it together, because when a 3 year old has to go, they have to go RIGHT NOW. I get to the cashier and my kid is doing a serious dance. I ask to leave my food there for a minute while we take care of bidness. She. does. not. under. stand. "You want to leave it? Do you want me to put it somewhere? Where should I put it? It's a lot of pressure!" (Literally verbatim.) Girl, IDGAF what you do with it, I need to get this tiny human to a potty immediately or you're gonna have to get a mop.

We made it, no thanks to the children that work there. 

As soon as we get outside, we have a visitor. 

How boutchall just gimme them chips and nobody gets hurt?

Now, you and I know that birds hang around because humans sometimes give them food and chips taste a lot better than dirt and worms they would otherwise be eating. Tiny humans, however, believe that a bird's sole purpose is to attack and kill tiny humans. (Fact.) Or at least mine does. Perfect, like we need another distraction. Have you ever eaten with a toddler? It takes about 17 years to get through a meal, and LAWD HELP ME if there's a goddamn vegetable on the plate. I mean, heaven forbid some leafy greens. I was never this picky, I swear. Just don't ask my family. Especially don't bring up Brussels sprouts, it's still a sore topic with my brothers.

As he's finally calming down about the bird and focusing on his food, he says, "Mommy, I'd miss you if you went to jail," and then takes a bite. Because that's normal.

Well then you better eat that quesadilla up, child.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Insomnia ramblings and paint

It's 4:36am and I've been awake since 1:53. What gives, brain? I even took some Nyquil. Clearly it's not working. Nyquil off fleek. Guess I'll finish this half written post from Monday.
----
I haven't ever had a Peep until this past weekend. I can't believe nobody told me how magical they are. Peeps s'mores around the fire pit while the kids play and hunt for eggs and the grown ups drink Angry Balls is Easter now, because we do Easter turnt up. 

I mean.
The Reese's was the best chocolate choice, followed closely by the cookies and cream, surprisingly.

I love Sundays. It's my day I get shit done. One of my favorite things to do is fixing up mah house because I bought it and I own it and I can. When I first bought this place after my divorce, my aunt told me to buy exactly the furniture I want and paint exactly the colors I want, because someday if I get married again and/or I live with someone (shhhh) out of wedlock, they might veto the rainbow chairs I want in my heart and I'll have to get boring chairs instead. So I bought the rainbow chairs and I hung flowers and pop art on the walls because that's what I'm into. 

I slowly pick small projects I can tackle in a day because I love the feeling of accomplishment/ hate leaving projects unfinished because I'll leave it unfinished for months until I get a wild hair on my ass and finally finish it. This is evidenced by the lone Spider-Man painted in my kid's toy room without any other super friends on the wall. 

Anyway, I painted my bathroom cabinets while watching season 3 of Veep on demand before my free HBO goes away just in time for Game of Thrones to come back (side eye, Verizon. I see your marketing ploy.). They were a standard builder cabinet color and now they're a moody gray color because I take my bathroom seriously. (No matter how I word that, it sounds weird.) 

 Befo'
My bathroom is teensy.
Good thing I lost all that weight.

After
Pardon all the shit on my counter, but that's just real life.


"Even Superheroes Brush Their Teeth" print: My friend gave it to me and I don't know where it came from.

At first I was thinking I should replace the counter with a scrap piece of granite or marble because it's so small, but I dig the contrast of the white against the dark gray. My next project will be framing the mirror and finding a creative solution to store my hair dryer, flat iron and curling iron.

Cabinet painting tips (just the tip):
- SAND THEM FIRST, SWEET JESUS. It's a pain, but do you want the paint to peel off and look janky? No. No you don't.

- I like Valspar Signature from Lowe's. Awesome coverage in one coat. I use it for most of my painting projects.

- Putting knobs on: I don't measure or anything. I do the facing doors at the same time and eyeball it. It's one of my weird talents - I'm pretty good at hanging pictures evenly and straight on the first try and stuff. Thanks, genes. Couldn't be good at rocket science or anything. Nope, but I can drill the shit out of a hole. No homo.

Now here's an adorbs picture of mine and my friend's kiddo, both smiling and looking at the camera at the same time for once.

Bros for life.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

How to do a lunch hour workout

Am I allowed to take a lunch/gym break when I work from home, or is it required that I work straight through lunch to prove that I'm actually working and not laying around in my pajamas watching Friends reruns? I've been home with strep for the past 2 days. Now that my fever has gone away I feel okay, I'm just contagious AF and I don't want to infect my coworkers with strep cooties. BECAUSE I'M NICE. 

Anyway, so I get asked this a lot: "HOW do you EVEN workout at lunch?" Well, I'll tell you how I even.

1. I don't consistently wake up early enough to exercise, and when I do wake up early enough I need at least 30 minutes to fully awaken before I can be productive in my workout. My stomach needs time to wake up too, since it's an asshole. If I jump immediately into a sweatsesh, it will either end badly (vom fest) or I won't push myself as hard as normal to avoid it ending badly. Daily 5am workouts just don't jive with my system. Occasionally though.

2. I hate working out in the gym after work. The machines are all taken and there are too many men in tank tops. I could workout in the home gym I'm slowly building, but my schedule is pretty tight when I get home. Gotta get dinner in, bath time and I want to play with my kid or do other stuff, like fun new projects for y'all. 

3. I don't have a husband I can leave my kid with. If I wake up for a 6am run, what am I gonna do with my kid? Aside from knee surgery x2, this is the reason I haven't signed up for a marathon. I can't commit to that much training until I commit to a man babysitter or my kid is old enough to take care of himself/sleep in long enough for it not to matter. And after work? My gym's daycare closes at 6pm, so that's ZERO help for single working moms. I'm lookin' at you, 24 hour fitness.

Basically I workout at lunch because I have to.

But what do you do exactly?
Do y'all use Google Calendar? Because I do. I use it to keep track of my kid's schedule, when to pay bills, normal stuff like appointments & birthdays, and also my workouts. I usually plan a couple of weeks in advance and at the beginning of the month I make a goal for the end of the month. March's goal was 125lbs. I was not successful because I ate too many calories, so I'm gonna carry that over to April's goal. I just rilly wanna lose 5 pounds. (Okay, a little more than 5.) By the end of April I also want to be able to run a 5k in 30 minutes, which will be close to pre-surgery time. I'm confident I'll get there, because yesterday I ran 2 miles at a 10 minute pace while streppin'. Steppin' while streppin'. That's gonna be the name of my workout video.

You didn't answer the question. What do you DO?
It varies. I LOVE cardio, it makes me feel good and sweat a lot and it's my favorite way to exercise. I always start with a little cardio and then move to weights, so if you break it down by the hour:
5 minutes: Change into gym clothes

20 minutes: cardio. Run a couple of miles or speed walk at a steep incline have been my faves lately. I also love the stair climber, but they don't have one at my lunch gym.

20 minutes: weights. I choose a muscle group to work each day, but I do a little bit of knee therapy every day since I'm technically still recovering from surgery. Circuits are my favorite because I think they keep you on your toes and use time more efficiently. So since today is arm day, I'll do:
10 bicep curls
10 tricep push downs
10 squats with weighted arm raises
x3
10 medicine ball throws (straight up and catch it as you sink into a small squat)
10 car drivers with the same medicine ball
10 pushups, sometimes with weights 
x3
If I still have time I'll run through it 4x. The medicine ball throws are my fave because it's kinda like playing sports. By yourself.

15 minutes: get dressed. Maybe shower, maybe not. That's what the 5,000 bottles of body spray you have are for. Also, deodorant. I have deodorant in my gym bag and my desk just in case my fat starts crying stanky tears unexpectedly. I have a gym towel that I LOVE for when I shower at the gym, because it's super absorbent and folds way smaller than the towel with the dancing jalapenos that your aunt brought you back from her cruise to Mexico. Recommend.

It's a tight schedule, but it keeps me focused.


But when do you eat lunch if you workout at lunch?
I eat before and after my gym sesh while I'm working. I usually eat 4ish times at work and I try not to take smelly stuff like fish, and if I do I'll usually eat it cold. (You're welcome, coworkers.) I mean how am I gonna set a good example if I make the break room smell like bubbleguts all the time?

But how do you not look ratchet AF when you get back to work?
I take my makeup and flat iron with me so I can cover up my red cheeks and iron out the bump in my hair the ponytail holder leaves, make my messy waves perfectly messy again or just leave it up because ain't nothin' gonna help. Y'all, I've had that flat iron for 3 years on the nose now. It's rad and not as expensive as Chi and other brands. 

Do you have other questions? I'm going to do a video again soon, aka once my voice gets back to normal. Ask me questions about my workout, foods, recipes, love life or whatever and I'll either answer them or not on the YouTubes sometime next week! You can email me at meg(at)nerkyblog(dot)com if you want to ask privately. I'll be sure to announce your first and last name in the video. (Just kiddin'.)

Monday, March 30, 2015

Birthdays and abs

Y'all, I found out my manfriend's kid's birthday was this weekend on Thursday night and pulled a Minecraft cake out of my ass by Saturday. I mean, not literally. But still. Totally nailing this dad-has-the-coolest-girlfriend charade I'm pullin'.

What a creeper, amiright?
That's only funny if you play Minecraft.
Or I could just explain it.
These green dudes are called creepers.
Done.

And what a PERFECT excuse to try Starbucks' new birthday cake frappuccino. (To this day, I have no idea how to spell that word.) Who cares if he wasn't with me, it's the thought that counts. For the record it's super good, but there's no coffee in it, so what's the point? I like my coffee like I like my men, strong and existent. 

This was after froyo Friday with my kid and dad. And after we also had Freebirds for dinner because my dad "would rather spend his money on us than some date". (Ladies, he's singllllle.) And after I ate more cake scraps and icing leftovers than I care to admit. (Let's just call it QA.) It was, however, before I had an actual piece of cake. And Taco Bell (<3) for breakfast on Sunday. And also half a milkshake. 

Epiphany: This is why I don't have abs.


With a shirt? I ain't even mad about it. I've lost 70lbs, son. #PROUD. I can have an eat-like-shit-weekend and not even worry about it. I weigh the same. My clothes still fit. Life is good. Without a shirt? Ehhhhhh, I could do better. It's not even about loose skin from being both fat and pregnant at the same time, it's about these last few stubborn pounds of fat. Why can't I eat pizza for every meal AND be skinny? (One of life's great questions.) 

Not much of a change from last week...but there is a little change. Baby steps to abz. I don't even want a six pack. I just want to not jiggle. Numero uno, I gotta keep my diet on point, because abs are made in the kitchen. Luckily I'm a woman, so I feel very comfortable there. Numero dos, getting back into a solid cardio routine will help burn the existing fat. And numero tres, ab work to define those muscles. That's my plan and I'm stickin' to it, unless you have better ideas. Or are a wizard that can magic me a flat stomach.