Wednesday, January 11, 2017


Okay, some shit from 2016 seeped into my 2017, so I'm gonna need to hit the reset button on this year. It's not too late, right? I went in for what was supposed to be a partial meniscus removal surgery - one that I could have walked out of and had very little physical therapy before getting back to dancing like a Rockette - and emerged from blissful anesthesia with a full-on ACL repair and double partial meniscus removal.

Guys, I didn't even do anything to deserve it this time. I just showed up at the doctor's office and they went on autopilot for the standard nerky protocol. One ACL repair, coming up! Naw, my doc is great. He said it was frayed to hell and just sort of fell apart when he touched it with his doctor tools. Gross, but I'm glad he fixed it while I was already under. Why was it frayed? He suggested poor blood supply, so I'm gonna roll with that. So here we are again, getting my money's worth out of this sexy leg brace.

I'll say that, although this surgery was unexpected and extremely painful and unpleasant for the first few days, my second surgery was worse. Possibly because it included double meniscus repair, rather than removal, possibly because I didn't know I could ask for anti-nausea meds after anesthesia - last time I literally hobbled to my bathroom the day after surgery just to lay my face on the cold tile to avoid vomming (the WORST when your leg is fukt). This time I asked for something to combat that feeling, because I'm now a 3 time ACL surgery veteran. I know things. Important things. Helpful things.

Like, paint your toenails before surgery. Also trim your bush (if you're into that sort of lawn maintenance). You have to take baths, rather than showers like a normal adult, for about 2 weeks to avoid getting your incision wet, and who wants to sit in a tub with little brown curlies floating around? Take care of it. Ask for the anti-nausea patch and pills. Plan to be off work for like 4 days before you feel okay enough to be up and around. I went back a scotche too soon and it was a miserable day. And then I got rear-ended on my way home. The universe's way of telling me I went back a bit too soon? Maybe. Way to pile it all on, universe.

Fun fact, I bought this car a month ago. It's all good though, I'm getting it fixed this week, my leg feels a lot better, I got to sleep last weekend and physical therapy doesn't suck. Things are great!

This all brings me to my New Years resolution this year. I just have one, and it's simple. After a whirlwind of a year with a new (huge) family, lots of kids, trying to navigate being a mom vs. being a stepmom, figuring out schedules and how to do everything, my resolution is to be more selfish. 

Sorry kids, not picking up your shit. You do it. 

Sorry husfriend, I didn't plan dinner. You handle it, oh and have someone else do the dishes, take out the trash and clean the counters. 

Sorry kid, I'm taking time for me to exercise and/or take a class. This will not ruin your life. You are still loved and I am doing something that will make me a better mom/person.

Sorry coworkers, I'm not going to feel guilty about not staying late all the time. My personal life is important to me, whether I'm chillin' as a party of one or hanging out with my family. I'm going to do that and still get all my work done. Everyone wins.

Sorry husfriend/all boys in the house, I'm not cleaning the pee bathroom. I don't have outdoor plumbing, therefore I never miss when I go. I know it's probably not (always) you, but because you used to be a little boy with terrible aim, this is your destiny. Not mine. 

Sorry big kids, you need to pitch in with chores. I'm not the only person capable of washing dishes, dusting, vacuuming, mopping and taking out the trash. These are not talents solely bestowed on me by the almighty deity. You have these powers too. Use them.

Sorry self, you're an idiot when you silently seethe about something. Speak your mind and stop wasting time being angsty when whoever wronged you has literally no idea. They're not mind readers. 

Sorry little kids, you don't do what I ask you to do, then you don't get to do the thing you want to do. It's not a difficult concept, and I'm not a pushover. Suck it up, I'm not about that whine life.

Sorry husfriend/world, I'm not watching Fox News. I was easygoing about it this year, generally agreeing to disagree and moving on. Honestly I find it too exhausting. I don't care to watch CNN either, just throwing it out there. Let's watch a "My 600lb Life" marathon instead.

Taking time for myself will make me a better, happier human. After all, happy wife happy life, amiright? You can't pour from an empty cup. I'm worth it (hair toss). [Another motivational/borderline cliché saying here.]

Friday, December 30, 2016

Maximum effort

Guys, 2016 has been a bit of a doozy all around, amiright? For me it's been a lot of introspection and less social media, blogging and general internet stuff, and more spending time with/trying to navigate how to handle my new family, house, etc. Being a newlywed, mortgage-sharer and step parent with as much baggage as my husfriend and I have has been a challenge, but doable. This has been a year of transition and change, for sure.

Living with a man again has been a big change. Who cooks dinner? Who cleans? What about the kids? When do I get to quit my job and be a trophy wife? All questions we're still working through. I'll let you know.

The whole first half of this year we were also dealing with selling our other houses - meaning lots of blood, sweat and tears to get it done. Six straight months of spending ALL of our spare time and money fixing things, painting, laying tile and so on. My husfriend is amazeballs at that stuff, which is the bees knees. Once the houses sold, that was a significant weight off our shoulders. We could start to work on our current house, unpack and figure out how to live together. Workouts suffered. Clean eating suffered. We both gained weight this year, but at least we didn't kill each other. It's been an overall win.

Finding a good workout schedule has been difficult, and I've still been dealing with a torn meniscus in my knee and after a quick, no big deal, easy 2 mile wog (walk+jog) on Thanksgiving, something was off with it. It was swollen and hurt so much that I could barely walk, enough to make me go back to the doctor. He essentially said that either the torn bit moved and is catching in a weird way now, or I tore it a little more. Both are plausible, and the only way to really fix it is to remove it. Like with surgery. For the third time.

Ugh. This is what I've been trying to avoid, gat dammit.

But then, I think back to the past couple of years since my last knee surgery, and I have never been able to get back to 100%. I think I got back to 50%, tops. Every workout hurt. Every run hurt. Squatting is the worst. Stairs can eat a dick. So maybe surgery is a good option - fix it so I can move forward for real. That's the conclusion I came to. I talked about it with my doctor, and he agrees, but he said that running can't be my main form of exercise anymore due to lack of cartilage and impending early onset arthritis.

That was rough to hear. 

Running is how I lost all of my weight. Running is how I met two of my closest friends. Running is how I got all of those medals hanging on my wall. Running is my thing. But, wait a minute. Sure, running is a huge calorie burner, but weight loss happens in the kitchen. Maybe I've just been making excuses this whole time and I just need to sack up and figure it out. I used to be legit in love with Jonathan Taylor Thomas, but that passed and now IDGAF about him. I mean, I'm sure he's great. But I could take him or leave him. Running is going to be my new JTT - a thing I used to love, replaced by a new thing I love. People, habits, priorities and hobbies change. It's all good, maybe I'll discover something amazing - like boxing. Or cycling. Or zumba. Or yoga. Or lifting weights. 2017, I'll make it happen. Because I have to.

So I put my big girl panties on, and this afternoon I'm having knee surgery. The last possible day of the year, and they're removing my meniscus and whatever else needs to happen to make it so I can move forward, literally. Y'all, fingers crossed they don't have to mess with my ACL at all - that recovery is brutal. And then? Maximum effort in 2017.

Monday, November 28, 2016


I can check "host Thanksgiving" off my bucket list now, and we didn't even have any awkward family political rants. Fact: I've never made most traditional Thanksgiving dishes. We didn't really do Thanksgiving when I was a kid, and now I get why. My dad didn't want to dick with it. Jesus H, that's a lotta cookin'. Plus, it's taken 7 people eating the same meal for the past 4 days and we still have leftovers. 

Poll: Is it acceptable to put peach pie filling in fruit salad? Because that's apparently how some people do it and I was APPALLED to learn this about my husfriend. Then I tasted it and it's kind of amazing. I mean, the peaches are so soft and flavorful. 

After Thanksgiving I had the brilliant idea of doing family pictures. I bought a camera from Amazon a while back to practice my paparazzi skillz, and we don't have any good pictures of all of us, so YOLO let's get everybody matching outfits, rest our hands on each other's shoulders and look up and to the left and say "farts". 

The look on her face = "whatabuncha assclowns"

Have you ever tried to get a picture of 7 people, including yourself? Nah, gurl. It's not gonna work out. I was running (in heels, obvi) to hit my mark in the 10 second delay, family picture circa 1990 style, all for naught because the lens we had on the camera made the pictures all weird, which I didn't notice until I got them on my computer, and I don't know enough about lenses to know why. Cool, no pictures of everyone then. Good thing I removed that lens for the individual pictures. But then this kid was in a mood because he didn't get the blue bowl, that kid wouldn't just POSE FOR THE GODDAMN PICTURE AND GET IT OVER WITH, this one wouldn't smile a regular smile, that one is in his own little world and not paying attention, that one ran off to go pee in the yard, and so on. Y'all, I reached my limit. I had to leave. 

I went and bought some noise cancelling headphones and an ice cream. I legit left the premises. I ate the ice cream alone in my car, then I went home, put my headphones on, and got some work done amidst the chaos. Because this is real life and it's LOUD AF. Most of the time I'm thankful for it, but sometimes I just need a solitary ice cream and some peace and quiet to reset.


Monday, November 7, 2016

Well that month flew by, didn't it?

Hot damn, it's been a MONTH since I've posted and now it's November and there are Christmas carols on in stores (I don't hate it), Halloween candy is on clearance and I'm struggling with whether to take a family picture for nerky Christmas cards this week or push it out a couple of weeks so I can lose a few pounds. We need a month in review, considering the apocalypse is tomorrow, surely there is nothing better to read than what has happened in my life for the past 28-30 day, no? (I mean is this not literally the most terrifying presidential election ever?)

In early October I threw my frand a tea party baby shower that she almost didn't make it to because she was SO pregnant. This event deserves its own post. Fast forward 3 weeks later and I got to hold a 5 day old bebeh who just slept on me and made squishy baby faces and made my ute ache, but not quite achy enough to discontinue birth control because babies are cute, but my life is a scotche chaotic right now to bring another human into it. The baby would come out as a middle-aged mobster with a Boston accent and heartburn.

The rest of October was a mix of evening walks outside in the Fall weather we never get to experience and making mine and my spawn's halloween costumes in the free time I had when I wasn't working or taking a continuing education class. Y'all, I know how to make websites now. I can code like a total nerd.

Anyway, my husfriend hit it out of the park with my kid's Loki helmet. It's SO AWESOME that he's good at making stuff with his hands. Also, the prospect of dressing up in themed Halloween costumes is probably my number one reason for marrying him. 


Our fat ninja turtle won Halloween, hands down. Kids knew who Deadpool was, but their moms thought he was Spider-Man, which was hilarious. Most moms also didn't know who either of the little ones were - Hawkeye and Loki. Obvi the moms in my town need to watch more Marvel movies.

I was Poison Ivy because my husfriend was Batman and I couldn't figure out how to make Harley Quinn work appropriate, plus I thought a lot of girls would be her this year and I wanted to be unique like the sparkly rainbow snowflake I am. Speaking of, we STILL haven't seen Suicide Squad because life has been too busy. I'm not kidding when I say work and class and momming takes up legit all of my time. We had a kid-free Saturday night in mid October and I was so tired/lame/old that I was like...can we just pick up some take-out and come back home so we don't have to cook or clean? Fell asleep at 8:30 that night like an old ass.

Anywho, so my Poison Ivy costume was a green t-shirt dress that I cut the sleeves off of and glued ivy leaves to, a pair of green tights and some old black heels that I painted green and glittery. Oh and the mask was from the dollar store and I painted it green too. That's my natural hair, obvi.

So that was Halloween, aka my favorite holiday. Before that, Walking Dead came back and HORY SHIT was that an intense episode. And then the tiger episode was weird but necessary after such a draining first episode, and then last night we saw Daryl nekkid which I am NOT complaining about.

Also we have a stray cat living in our garage and he/she won't leave, nor will he/she let us get close to him/her, so we just started putting food and water out, and a litter box, and now we just have Pat the Garage Cat chillin' out there.

Also I got my hur did a couple of weeks ago since my stylist moved across the country. The anxiety of finding a new stylist is almost worse than the anxiety of thinking about who our next president might be. I just want to close my eyes and pretend none of it is happening.

She did a good job, though. So maybe it's not the same at all.

Separately, but kind of related, I accidentally shaved off the middle of my eyebrow last week. Like, I have three eyebrows now. So that about sums up October.

November just started and last week was a super busy work week for me, plus Halloween was Monday and I had a class on Friday night, which culminated in me thinking I was just tired this weekend and not realizing until Sunday that I have strep LIKE A CHILD. So I'm home today so as not to infect my coworkers, and fingers crossed my spawn, stepspawn, husfriend, dogs and garage cat don't catch it from me.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Random Act of Kindness

Can we pause time for a sec and ask how the actual fuck it's already October?! It's an important (and magical) month, y'all. Boobies, pumpkin spice and Halloween, three topics worth discussing, amiright? The thing is, October isn't sugar and pumpkin spice and everything nice for all of us. One mama recently contacted me and asked for help. Her young daughter tragically passed away 7 years ago and she wants to keep her memory alive in the sweetest way. Read her story here:

"This November will mark 7 long years since she passed away unexpectedly from an undiagnosed heart condition. On November 26th, 2009 I kept Sydney home from daycare because she had what we thought was the flu. She spent the day home with me snuggling on the couch and when my husband got home from work I went to work for a few hours. I had only gotten to there and my husband Dwayne called me and said that her heart was racing really hard - I told him I'd meet him at the hospital. Within in 30 minutes they had already determined something was very wrong as her heart rate was double what it should be. After some x-rays they noticed her heart was twice the size as it had been the month before. Our family had been down and out with H1N1 the month prior and she had had chest x-rays then. We are from a town of about 32,000 so Sydney had to be rushed to a bigger hospital for more tests then within a few hours, to SickKids in Toronto (a couple hours from our home). There were several complications from then on; she went into cardiac arrest before she got to SickKids (it was the first snow of the year and the helicopter wouldn't fly her there so she went by ambulance - she arrested 15 minutes before getting to the hospital). Once they had her stable she was put on an ecmo machine to do her heart's work and they said she would need a new heart right away but they had to determine what kind of damage was done from her being without oxygen for so long. The next day (Nov 27th) they did open heart surgery to remove a blood clot that occurred when she went into cardiac arrest. She never woke up after that. The following day they did more tests and determined there was no neurological activity and we had to take her off life support. Sydney passed away November 28th, 2009 only 48 hours after we took her to our local hospital - she had just celebrated her 2nd birthday the month before. It took us 18 months to get autopsy results and they determined she had dilated cardiomyopathy; it was probably triggered from H1N1. It's ironic that at the time I was working for the health unit and running the flu/H1N1 clinics. Our world came crashing down that day and it's been a fight every day to always look at the positive. Our son, he was almost 5 at the time, lost his best friend that day but he kept us going and as much as we struggle some days still, he still misses his sister just as much. Our youngest daughter never got to meet her sister but she talks about her all the time and she happily announces to people that she has an older brother and an older sister who is in heaven. It's normal for her and it brings her comfort."
She is doing something really great this year to keep her daughter's memory alive - she's hosting a Random Acts of Kindness Day on what would be her 9th birthday. That's where we come in - On October 19th, do a Random Act of Kindness for Sydney. It doesn't have to cost anything and it will almost certainly brighten the recipient's day. Here are some free and inexpensive ideas:

- Gather the runaway shopping carts in a parking lot and put them away
- Pay a compliment to a stranger
- Or to anyone
- Give a homeless person a meal or some basic needs 
- Help your coworker out with a project/buy them a snack

Visit her Facebook page to post your RAoK for Sydney! Thanks for participating, y'all. This story just broke my cold, black heart and I had to share!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Well, is it?

Conversation last week in the kitchen, where I'm doing mom stuff (aka pouring some chocolate milk for the spawn) and my husfriend is opening a box from Amazon, because why bother going to a store when you can shop online, amiright:

Me: What did you get?

Him: A survival knife! (As he pulls out a big ass knife. He is very, very excited, as noted by the exclamation point.)

Me: ...why.

Him: We need a survival knife. (He has a thick Texas accent, so it sounds like "survahvuhl naff")

Me: ...why.

Him: For surviving. (Survahvin'.)

Me: ...... (stares at him)

Him: ......(stares at me)

Me: ......(stares at him)

Him: But is it sexy, though?

I guess we're set in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Or a sexy survival weapon competition. It's like a wet t-shirt contest, only more stabby. Side note, we might watch too much Naked and Afraid.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Just when I thought...

the night was a total bust...

Okay. Fuh RULL, last night was a doozy. Like, fuck off, Thursday, with your stank-ass attitude and general shittiness. I ain't got time fo' dat. I mean, it probably wouldn't have been so lame if the rest of my week wasn't so hectic. We all have weeks like this, right? Work all day, have to be somewhere all night after work, family stuff comes up, kids get sick, work schedule is nuts, whatever. It happens. But as a special cherry on top of this particular week, I blew out two tires leaving work last night trying to hightail it to Meet the Teacher.

Okay, I might have hit the curb. But I wasn't even going fast and two tires seems excessively shitty, because I only have ONE spare. THANKS OBAMA. 

So shitabrick, y'all. I had to pick up my spawn and get to meet the teacher so I don't get judged by the assholes in the PTA. I pull over and start to get out my stuff to put my spare on, and as I'm doing so, a couple of guys roll up and ask if I need help. 

I mean, okay. I'm a strong, independent woman, but I'm not stupid. Yeah, I need help. I don't need to prove to anyone that I can change a tire, plus I got my Michael Kors shoes on gurrrrrl. So these non-serial-killer-lookin' gents help me out with the tire while I text my dad and husfriend to figure out how to get a new tire and make it to meet the teacher while avoiding direct eye contact with the drivers of the cars zooming past us, happily on their way home from their 9-5s. My dad comes to meet me to take my to the tire store while my husfriend heads to Meet the Teacher for me. Shout out to the men in my life, amiright?

Y'all, the tire store guy was like a male model past his prime who's now facing the harsh reality of life as a regular person. Aka super good looking, maybe a touch unprepared mentally. It took them forever and a day to get my tire, then we had to go back and change it out. By this time it's raining, COOL. Great day to wear a suede dress, fam.

ANYWAY, so long story still sorta long, my dad and I change the tire lightning fast. Like I'm talking Nascar tire pit fast, because rain, plus I still think I'm gonna make it to Meet the Teacher (nope) Then I head on my way, realizing now that I'm already late and definitely not going to make it. At this point I have to pee SO BAD, so I stop at my favorite white girl hang out, Starbucks.

And y'all. Do you know what I discovered?
YEP. Pumpkin Spice Latte y'alllllllllll

If it wasn't for my blown out tire fiasco, I wouldn't have had to stop to pee on the way to pick up my spawn, and therefore would not have had to go inside a drive-thru Starbucks, and therefore would not have seen this beautiful sign by the menu and therefore would not have had my very first PSL of the season as the cherry on top of a busy week.

My kid got to spend some extra quality time with his dad. My husfriend went to Meet the Teacher for me and my dad helped me get my tire sitch handled. And I got a PSL and didn't even ruin my shoes. You can shit all over my Thursday, but I will find a way to WIN.