Wednesday, February 22, 2017


How ironic is it that I posted about not needing all this hullabaloo on Valentine's Day (honestly I just wanted to say "hullabaloo"), and then my husfriend surprises me with a real wedding ring? Not only that, but flowers and chocolate too. I literally got the Quintessential Valentine's Day Gift for Women (also the quintessential 'I'm sorry I boned my assistant, please don't take half of my shit' and 'today is our anniversary..?' gifts) - flowers, chocolate and diamonds. He was very excited to "win" Valentine's Day.

So okay. I recently half-assed the Advocare 24 day challenge. I mean what was I thinking trying to do that right after knee surgery? I wasn't. So I'm starting again just with the "cleanse" part because I'm in a better place now and generally I liked it, I just forgot to do it every day. Also I didn't eat any differently than my new normal, which used to be 80% clean back when I was running all the time, to maybe 50% clean over the past few months. So I need to get it together because I can't workout like I'm used to for a while.

I gotta get this dad bod under control, stat.

Here's the thing, I don't think it should be called a cleanse, because that sounds like I'm drinking hot lemon water and shitting all day. It's basically just an energy/fiber drink and clean eats for 10 days. 12 days? I can't remember. It's some days. I can slam dunk that all the way to Chinatown. (I don't know what that means.) And the fiber doesn't make my bathroom habits any different. I know you think fiber=hershey squirts, but not this stuff. It's not any different from normal, which is best described as a rainbow glitter shower of excellence. Pinky swear.

Long story short, I had a salad for lunch for the past two days, so I've basically won the whole thing already. *Checks for abs*

And now here's a picture of Garage Kitty's lavish new lifestyle for no good reason.

I tucked her in, y'all.
Because she was cold. Probably.

Recap for those who are confused: This cat was living in our garage for weeks. No tags and she was terrified of us. We named her Garage Kitty and gave her ample opportunity to move along, but then it got cold and I was like naw gurl, we're gonna be BFFs. So I coaxed her out of her hiding spot and over the next couple of weeks we slowly got her to come inside. And now she's a healthy-borderline-chubby weight. And she sleeps on my pillow like she owns the place. 

GUYS, I opened an Etsy shop! Take a look and favorite my shop - I have some totes adorbs printables and printed stuff. QUESTION: Do you prefer printed items that are shipped to you or a printable file you can download? I'll add new stuff weekly, if not more often!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

The time my husfriend forgot about Valentine's Day

It's only happened once. It was a Sunday* in 2016, I woke up first, as per usual, brewed coffee, as per usual on the weekends (weekdays are for Spark), and got his gift out. I set his Reese's heart - his favorite candy - in the new coffee mug I got him and I waited for the wafting coffee scents to wake him up.

Just a small token, ya know? Valentine's Day doesn't have to be this big show. I'd rather have random flowers on a Thursday than flowers once a year on the day everyone else gets them too. I definitely DO NOT need a big ass teddy bear/dog/gorilla/emoji, (I mean what do people even do with those on February 15th?), but I still want some kind of acknowledgement of the holiday. Something that says, "hey, I thought about this and took a little time to get you a thing to show you that you're pretty awesome, not just today, but every day (maybe not every day, but like 94% of the days)".

I always do gifties for the kids too. Just a small $1 box of chocolates and a small toy. Nothing too crazy, but still a little something. SIDE NOTE: I'm totally gonna be the mom that sends care packages for every holiday when the kids are in college. I can't wait. I totally dig this mom gig when the kids aren't being assholes. (62% of the time, depending on what's for dinner) /end side note

So anyway, he woke up, saw his gift, and immediately said he didn't get me anything AS IF IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. Okay, I'm sure he felt a little bad because I SLAVED over the coffee pot to brew his coffee to pour in his SHINY NEW cup, meanwhile I had to drink coffee from an OLD LAME cup. No no, you eat your Reese's. My tears of disappointment and loneliness are sweet enough thankyouverymuch.

Okay, but seriously. I wasn't mad about not receiving a gift. I was mad that he didn't take the time to acknowledge that I was his valentine. I know a lot of people don't do anything for Valentine's Day, and that's totally cool. I don't need or want to go out and eat from an overpriced prix-fixe menu in the midst of people giving each other sexy eyes in their same-side-sitting booths. Gross. I just want to know you thought about how lucky you are to have an awesome motherfucker like me to share a bed with. That's all.

Moral of the story? Acknowledge the holiday. It can cost as little or as much as you want, really. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just let him/her know you're thinking of him/her. When in doubt, bring junior mints. 

*too lazy to fact check this, but I'm 89% sure

Tuesday, February 7, 2017


Y'all, I barely even like make up. Okay, I like it. But I don't wear a ton because I don't like how it looks/how long it takes/putting effort in when I don't have to/how expensive it is and so on.

So here's how I roll. I have BB cream that I use as "foundation". I don't even own real foundation. I mean, I own one. The foundation my house is built on. Also, I feel like my education is a solid foundation for my future, or so the brochure from my college said. So whatever, I slather BB cream on my face in a lazy effort to even out my skin tone and hide the zits I still gets as a grown-ass woman. THANKS OBAMA. Then, cheapo concealer if I have an angry zit. E.l.f. is like $3 at Target. That leaves you plenty left over to getchoself a latte while you shop. I like Physician's Formula powder to appear less shiny, then I hit some more of that e.l.f. brand for eye shadow, but I also like Physician's Formula for that too, and I like L'oreal Extendy Tubes mascara. That's probably not what it's actually called, but that's what I call it when I tell people about it. Then softlips chapstick and badabing, badaboom, my face is on. 

And that's where it used to end. Lipstick is WAY too high maintenance for me. I have 1 tube of red lipstick that I only wear out when we get fancy like once a year, and having to reapply it often and not leave kissy marks on my husfriend/spawn is for chumps. I mean, who wants to be constantly checking a mirror for wonky lipstick? NOT I.

So, okay. I know what you're thinking - UGH she's selling a thing. And no, mama don't have time fo' dat. I'm merely passing along helpful info, one busy mofo to another - you need to try LipSense. And if you do it now, you get a discount and free shipping. So if you've been on the fence, I'm here to be like YAH GURL TRY IT.

It can be as subtle or bold as you want it. Me? I prefer color without being too obvious. My fave is Apple Cider. Here's a before and after with nothing, aka how I used to roll, and then the right pic is Apple Cider.

Subtle, but makes a difference.
And I don't have to reapply it!
Just gloss if I feel like it!
It's so boss!

Y'all, it lasts through food and drinks. I don't get it. It's some kind of magic/science hybrid.

After eating and drinking with no reapplication.
Guys, there's still lipstick there.
I know. I can't believe it either.

So if you're on the fence, you might as well try it for some free shipping and discounts. I legit like this product, too. I'd never lie to you. You can see all of the colors here, or if you don't have Facebook, comment below and I'll get you in touch with my rep. Mention me so you get your discounts!

GUYS, I opened an Etsy shop! Take a look and favorite my shop - Valentine's Day is coming up and I have some totes adorbs printables. I'll add new stuff weekly, if not more often!

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

On the up & up

Before my first knee surgery, I was at the top of my game. I was thin and fit and I could run an 8 minute mile (I think. Definitely 8:30.). I played indoor soccer and was rocking out my newly single life. I was ballin'. Then I tore my shit in a freak indoor soccer accident, had ACL surgery and was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED to get fat again, so I got back in the gym ASAP, big ass leg brace and all. I'm talking a week post-op, still high on pain killers.

The thing is, I know what you're thinking, and I'm not dumb. In fact, I'm pretty smart if you look at my grades in school/various internet IQ tests. But fear will make you do some stupid, stupid shit. And I was scared shitless to become this girl again:

Homegirl on the left.
Homegirl on the right is aight.

I was fat with a bad haircut. Double trouble. And I was scared to become that girl again, so I pushed and pushed my therapy, obviously not making the best choices because I wasn't thinking straight. I ran a half marathon 3 months post-op, then did a tough mudder with my brother about a year later. Aaaaaand tore my shit again. Why? Likely because it was weak from not having adequate healing time. I can't tell you which part of the race busted my knee, because it hurt for most of the time. I suspect it was from jumping from a high wall to the ground. Whatever, I finished the race because I AIN'T NO BITCH, and then when the pain didn't go away for a couple of weeks, I went back to my doctor with my tail between my legs.

You can see the fear in my eyes.
It's like I knew what was coming.

After my second surgery, I still pushed it. I was still terrified to get fat, but I wasn't quite so stubborn. I listened better and went to physical therapy, until I stopped going to physical therapy. 

I slowly got back to running, about 3 months post-op. I'm talking light jogging - and that was allowed. I think I may have progressed too quickly though, because running never felt the same. My knee hurt EVERY time I worked out, and I never ran more than 4ish miles after that. I stopped running half marathons and tried a couple of triathlons - but even so, my knee hurt almost constantly. Finally, 2 years post-op from my second surgery, I tweaked my knee weird on a short run, and said NOPE, I want this handled. I went to the doc expecting him to tell me I had a torn meniscus - this was a known issue that I was just managing through. That's exactly what he told me, with about a 10% chance that I'd need an ACL repair.

Welp, I guess I need to buy a lottery ticket, because here we are. This recovery feels different. Maybe it's because I was so shocked about the surgery to begin with. Maybe it's because I don't have any big races planned. Maybe it's because I'm taking a deep breath and telling myself it's gonna be okay. I'll be that thin, fit girl again. But right now? I need to rest, and I need to eat my kids' Christmas candy. I need to freeze my gym membership so that I can heal my shit before I bust it again. I need to relax, don't do it, when you wanna go to it.

I got side-tracked.

Point is - recovery is going well and my butt is a little cushier. Doctor keeps telling me to pipe the fuck down with getting swole again. I'm like BUT BRO, you don't get it, I usta be YUUUUUGE. And he's all, GURL, naw. You'll be aight. Chill. I mean, that was basically verbatim. PT is going well, I'm progressing like I should, and I'm BOSS at balancing. Like, A++ in that category, shockingly. Kinda makes me want to try barre when I'm allowed to do stuff again.

For now, I'll just be over here flexing my left quad for 5 seconds, then releasing 20x. Then maybe some leg lifts. Little bit of calf raises. Some light stretching. And maybe I'll start hitting an ab circuit if I'm feeling perky. We'll see what the day brings.

P.S. I opened an Etsy shop! I don't have a ton of stuff listed and I haven't sold anything yet, but you should probably take a look and/or favorite my shop. Valentine's day is coming up and I have some totes adorbs printables. I'll add new stuff weekly, if not more often!

Wednesday, January 11, 2017


Okay, some shit from 2016 seeped into my 2017, so I'm gonna need to hit the reset button on this year. It's not too late, right? I went in for what was supposed to be a partial meniscus removal surgery - one that I could have walked out of and had very little physical therapy before getting back to dancing like a Rockette - and emerged from blissful anesthesia with a full-on ACL repair and double partial meniscus removal.

Guys, I didn't even do anything to deserve it this time. I just showed up at the doctor's office and they went on autopilot for the standard nerky protocol. One ACL repair, coming up! Naw, my doc is great. He said it was frayed to hell and just sort of fell apart when he touched it with his doctor tools. Gross, but I'm glad he fixed it while I was already under. Why was it frayed? He suggested poor blood supply, so I'm gonna roll with that. So here we are again, getting my money's worth out of this sexy leg brace.

I'll say that, although this surgery was unexpected and extremely painful and unpleasant for the first few days, my second surgery was worse. Possibly because it included double meniscus repair, rather than removal, possibly because I didn't know I could ask for anti-nausea meds after anesthesia - last time I literally hobbled to my bathroom the day after surgery just to lay my face on the cold tile to avoid vomming (the WORST when your leg is fukt). This time I asked for something to combat that feeling, because I'm now a 3 time ACL surgery veteran. I know things. Important things. Helpful things.

Like, paint your toenails before surgery. Also trim your bush (if you're into that sort of lawn maintenance). You have to take baths, rather than showers like a normal adult, for about 2 weeks to avoid getting your incision wet, and who wants to sit in a tub with little brown curlies floating around? Take care of it. Ask for the anti-nausea patch and pills. Plan to be off work for like 4 days before you feel okay enough to be up and around. I went back a scotche too soon and it was a miserable day. And then I got rear-ended on my way home. The universe's way of telling me I went back a bit too soon? Maybe. Way to pile it all on, universe.

Fun fact, I bought this car a month ago. It's all good though, I'm getting it fixed this week, my leg feels a lot better, I got to sleep last weekend and physical therapy doesn't suck. Things are great!

This all brings me to my New Years resolution this year. I just have one, and it's simple. After a whirlwind of a year with a new (huge) family, lots of kids, trying to navigate being a mom vs. being a stepmom, figuring out schedules and how to do everything, my resolution is to be more selfish. 

Sorry kids, not picking up your shit. You do it. 

Sorry husfriend, I didn't plan dinner. You handle it, oh and have someone else do the dishes, take out the trash and clean the counters. 

Sorry kid, I'm taking time for me to exercise and/or take a class. This will not ruin your life. You are still loved and I am doing something that will make me a better mom/person.

Sorry coworkers, I'm not going to feel guilty about not staying late all the time. My personal life is important to me, whether I'm chillin' as a party of one or hanging out with my family. I'm going to do that and still get all my work done. Everyone wins.

Sorry husfriend/all boys in the house, I'm not cleaning the pee bathroom. I don't have outdoor plumbing, therefore I never miss when I go. I know it's probably not (always) you, but because you used to be a little boy with terrible aim, this is your destiny. Not mine. 

Sorry big kids, you need to pitch in with chores. I'm not the only person capable of washing dishes, dusting, vacuuming, mopping and taking out the trash. These are not talents solely bestowed on me by the almighty deity. You have these powers too. Use them.

Sorry self, you're an idiot when you silently seethe about something. Speak your mind and stop wasting time being angsty when whoever wronged you has literally no idea. They're not mind readers. 

Sorry little kids, you don't do what I ask you to do, then you don't get to do the thing you want to do. It's not a difficult concept, and I'm not a pushover. Suck it up, I'm not about that whine life.

Sorry husfriend/world, I'm not watching Fox News. I was easygoing about it this year, generally agreeing to disagree and moving on. Honestly I find it too exhausting. I don't care to watch CNN either, just throwing it out there. Let's watch a "My 600lb Life" marathon instead.

Taking time for myself will make me a better, happier human. After all, happy wife happy life, amiright? You can't pour from an empty cup. I'm worth it (hair toss). [Another motivational/borderline cliché saying here.]

Friday, December 30, 2016

Maximum effort

Guys, 2016 has been a bit of a doozy all around, amiright? For me it's been a lot of introspection and less social media, blogging and general internet stuff, and more spending time with/trying to navigate how to handle my new family, house, etc. Being a newlywed, mortgage-sharer and step parent with as much baggage as my husfriend and I have has been a challenge, but doable. This has been a year of transition and change, for sure.

Living with a man again has been a big change. Who cooks dinner? Who cleans? What about the kids? When do I get to quit my job and be a trophy wife? All questions we're still working through. I'll let you know.

The whole first half of this year we were also dealing with selling our other houses - meaning lots of blood, sweat and tears to get it done. Six straight months of spending ALL of our spare time and money fixing things, painting, laying tile and so on. My husfriend is amazeballs at that stuff, which is the bees knees. Once the houses sold, that was a significant weight off our shoulders. We could start to work on our current house, unpack and figure out how to live together. Workouts suffered. Clean eating suffered. We both gained weight this year, but at least we didn't kill each other. It's been an overall win.

Finding a good workout schedule has been difficult, and I've still been dealing with a torn meniscus in my knee and after a quick, no big deal, easy 2 mile wog (walk+jog) on Thanksgiving, something was off with it. It was swollen and hurt so much that I could barely walk, enough to make me go back to the doctor. He essentially said that either the torn bit moved and is catching in a weird way now, or I tore it a little more. Both are plausible, and the only way to really fix it is to remove it. Like with surgery. For the third time.

Ugh. This is what I've been trying to avoid, gat dammit.

But then, I think back to the past couple of years since my last knee surgery, and I have never been able to get back to 100%. I think I got back to 50%, tops. Every workout hurt. Every run hurt. Squatting is the worst. Stairs can eat a dick. So maybe surgery is a good option - fix it so I can move forward for real. That's the conclusion I came to. I talked about it with my doctor, and he agrees, but he said that running can't be my main form of exercise anymore due to lack of cartilage and impending early onset arthritis.

That was rough to hear. 

Running is how I lost all of my weight. Running is how I met two of my closest friends. Running is how I got all of those medals hanging on my wall. Running is my thing. But, wait a minute. Sure, running is a huge calorie burner, but weight loss happens in the kitchen. Maybe I've just been making excuses this whole time and I just need to sack up and figure it out. I used to be legit in love with Jonathan Taylor Thomas, but that passed and now IDGAF about him. I mean, I'm sure he's great. But I could take him or leave him. Running is going to be my new JTT - a thing I used to love, replaced by a new thing I love. People, habits, priorities and hobbies change. It's all good, maybe I'll discover something amazing - like boxing. Or cycling. Or zumba. Or yoga. Or lifting weights. 2017, I'll make it happen. Because I have to.

So I put my big girl panties on, and this afternoon I'm having knee surgery. The last possible day of the year, and they're removing my meniscus and whatever else needs to happen to make it so I can move forward, literally. Y'all, fingers crossed they don't have to mess with my ACL at all - that recovery is brutal. And then? Maximum effort in 2017.

Monday, November 28, 2016


I can check "host Thanksgiving" off my bucket list now, and we didn't even have any awkward family political rants. Fact: I've never made most traditional Thanksgiving dishes. We didn't really do Thanksgiving when I was a kid, and now I get why. My dad didn't want to dick with it. Jesus H, that's a lotta cookin'. Plus, it's taken 7 people eating the same meal for the past 4 days and we still have leftovers. 

Poll: Is it acceptable to put peach pie filling in fruit salad? Because that's apparently how some people do it and I was APPALLED to learn this about my husfriend. Then I tasted it and it's kind of amazing. I mean, the peaches are so soft and flavorful. 

After Thanksgiving I had the brilliant idea of doing family pictures. I bought a camera from Amazon a while back to practice my paparazzi skillz, and we don't have any good pictures of all of us, so YOLO let's get everybody matching outfits, rest our hands on each other's shoulders and look up and to the left and say "farts". 

The look on her face = "whatabuncha assclowns"

Have you ever tried to get a picture of 7 people, including yourself? Nah, gurl. It's not gonna work out. I was running (in heels, obvi) to hit my mark in the 10 second delay, family picture circa 1990 style, all for naught because the lens we had on the camera made the pictures all weird, which I didn't notice until I got them on my computer, and I don't know enough about lenses to know why. Cool, no pictures of everyone then. Good thing I removed that lens for the individual pictures. But then this kid was in a mood because he didn't get the blue bowl, that kid wouldn't just POSE FOR THE GODDAMN PICTURE AND GET IT OVER WITH, this one wouldn't smile a regular smile, that one is in his own little world and not paying attention, that one ran off to go pee in the yard, and so on. Y'all, I reached my limit. I had to leave. 

I went and bought some noise cancelling headphones and an ice cream. I legit left the premises. I ate the ice cream alone in my car, then I went home, put my headphones on, and got some work done amidst the chaos. Because this is real life and it's LOUD AF. Most of the time I'm thankful for it, but sometimes I just need a solitary ice cream and some peace and quiet to reset.