Monday, January 26, 2015

Why did the chicken cross the road? Who cares, that sweater looks fabulous.

I was gonna do a real post today about all the stuff I did this weekend, but then I figured ehhhhhhhh no one cares so instead here are a bunch of things I wish I came up with but didn't.

This amazing shop name and jewelry:

OF COURSE I need a Loki ring in my life. I may have impulse ordered her Always necklace the moment I saw it. I mean, it's not errday you can have jewelry to match your tattoo.

These hilarious Valentines:

From YesUMaystationery on Etsy

Personally, I don't have a problem with Valentine's Day. It's a sweet idea as long as you don't get weird about it. I'll just be waiting for my $500 bouquet of flowers at the door tapping my toe with my arms crossed. Totally legit normal behavior. 

And finally, this tutorial to make a chicken sweater. Seriously, it's a thing.

The lavender really brings our her eyes.

I pin lots of neat things on Pinterest, check it! I Instagram my life as it happens, so check it too!

Friday, January 23, 2015

Frisky Friday: D'awwww

Y'all, I have lots of man requirements preferences - nice personality, nice arms, tattoos, general affinity for being fit/healthy eating, makes me laugh, laughs at my jokes, etc. Some call it being high maintenance, I call it being worth it. (*hairflip*)

But you know what arguably the most important thing is? Acceptance and love of my kid, because he's awesome annnnd also happens to not be going anywhere. He's not like a house in a shitty neighborhood that I could one day move away from. He will literally be around for the rest of my life, so ya just gotta know that going in. But y'all know that already.


It's a different ballgame dating someone with a kid (or a flock of kids). There are crazy schedules and ex-spouses and all kinds of body fluid. You know how you just sort of pretend that toots and poops aren't a thing in the beginning of a relationship? Yeah, kids don't have that filter and the beautiful facade dissipates like a fart in the wind. 

But it's fine, because how cute is it when you see dads that are totally nailing fatherhood? Makes my ute quiver. I mean, not for more babies. I'm good with the one I have. But still, d'awww. 

You don't even have to have nice arms if you're good with kids. I'll let it slide.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Knock, knock, knock, housekeeping

Y'all I need a housekeeper. That's not even what I was gonna write about, but I'd just like to put it out into the universe that I'd like to pay a person a reasonable wage in protein shakes in order for me to never have to vacuum, mop or dust again. (LOL like I even dust anyway.) Bonus points if this person brings me tea, handles my schedule, is British and gives me life advice.

I actually want to write about something that's been buggin' me for a while. I feel a disconnect with y'all and I dun like it. I try to respond to most comments, but I don't know if you prefer me to email you (if your email is connected to the account you use to comment) or reply in the comments section of the blog so I mix it up. What do y'all prefer? I like when you send me pictures and stories and ask me questions - I'm always gonna do my best to help. I know what it's like to have no effin' CLUE what to do when you're fat and hungry and your shins hurt from shin splints and you just want to be skinny, but dammit pizza is just so tasty. I still struggle with that, so at the VERY least we can commiserate about it. I did lose 70 pounds and have kept it off though, so maybe I'll have a tip (just the tip) you haven't heard before. My point is, email me! meg(at)nerkyblog(dot)com. My only requirement is that everybody is nice. Ain't nobody got time for negativity.

Another thing I want to say is I'm working on a new project and I'm excited and you should be too. Sorry that was vague, but you should just be excited regardless. You're alive and well and people love you and it might even be sunny outside, that's a total win.

Also, it has come to my attention that girls judge other girls eyebrows. That's a thing now. (Has it always been a thing?) I'd like to go on record as saying that I don't give a single fuck what your eyebrows look like and more than likely will never notice whether they are plucked or penciled or shaved off. I also don't give any shits what people think of my eyebrows because 1) they're amazing because they're mine and 2) um who cares. Why are girls so weird?

Monday, January 19, 2015

Saturday Circuit

Saturday workouts are my favorite of the whole week, especially when it's vurry, vurry nice out like it was this past weekend. I set up a circuit in my garage and driveway and go through it 3ish times. My kid is always out there with me, watching and learning and helping. And by "helping", I of course mean jumping on my back to plank it out for a minute thrice. (I hate the word "thrice", I'm sorry for using it.) I love that he wants to participate though. He also helped me drink my water and eat a protein bar post workout. Pickiest eater in the world and he'll eat a caramel MetRX bar? What a cute little hoss. #gottaprot

He's at a really cool stage right now where he sees everything I do and wants to do it too, and he listens to everything I say and wants to say it too. The other day he used the world "realized" properly in a sentence. I mean, he's 3. That's pretty amazing. He also said "damn it", so ya know, ya win some, ya lose some.

Side note: You guys, I get all my home fitness gear over time and on the cheap. When I first started out, I didn't have a damn thing. Strike that, I had a pair of 3 lb. dumb bells. I mean what even is that about. I still have them, maybe I should wear them as earrings or something. (Swole ears.)  Anyway, my point is you don't need all this stuff to get started. You need to pay attention to what you eat first and foremost, and then get your body moving however you can, whether it's a workout video or taking a walk after dinner.

My circuits nowadays include a lot of knee therapy mixed in with regular exercises, so if you have a gimp knee this circuit might be good for you. My current knee goals are building my quads and hammie strength back up and working on balance.

Balance ball for knee rehab:
- flat side down, stand on ball on one leg for 1 minute x2 (I only do this with my injured leg to build my balance back up)
- flip it over, stand on the flat side and do 20 squats x2

- 25 crunches
- 50 bicycles
- 25 reverse crunches
- 1 minute plank + 38lb. wiggly toddler x3

After mat:
- 20 weighted lunges (each leg) - I wound up just holding my kid instead of using weights
- 20 squats with arm raises + 5lb weights
- Squat hold for a minute

Battle ropes:
- 20 per arm x3

Wall ball
- 20 squats x3 - I did 2 sets of squats where I slammed it down on the ground and 1 set where I threw it straight up in the air between each squat

"Cardio" for knee rehab
- Grapevine up and down my driveway
- Sumo walk with resistance band
- Toe taps using a step for 1 minute

Pick a thing from each category and do the circuit 3 times. Boom, profit.

Monday, January 12, 2015


Shut up, did you see Kate Hudson's dress last night on the Golden Globes? Gorg. I love award shows. My favorite part is when they play the "wrap up" music and the winner does not, in fact, "wrap up", but instead begins to visibly sweat and speak quickly, and then the music gets louder, and then the winner raises his/her voice and still speaks with the quickness until pretty soon a B level actor is yelling gratitude over orchestral music. 

I also love the dresses. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, or maybe they're just pretty. I also like mascara and heels and pink stuff and flowers. Things that are pretty.

But you know what? I like "man" stuff too. I can do "man" stuff too. I have to. I will not set the example for my son that women are one way and men are another and there is no in between. Sure, I'm completely useless at some things, but it's not because I'm a woman. It's because sometimes I suck at stuff as a person. Sure, sometimes I need help, but it's not because I'm a woman. It's because I don't have the knowledge or experience to complete the task as a person. I cry in sad movies, but I am not weak. I can fix my fence and ride a motorcycle, but that doesn't mean I'm not feminine. I'm just a human, doing the things my life requires that I do in order to be successful. That means I ask questions and learn to do things myself. It means I try new things and learn all I can so that one day when my son has a question about how to drive a stick shift or what gift to take to a baby shower, I can answer both.

Being strong isn't just about lifting weights.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Frisky Friday: THE HOLIDAZE

I'm not sure if you remember your first holiday season with your man/woman, but there's a lot of pressure. (I mean, uh, not for us, manfriend, if you're reading this. We're different.) But seriously, that's why I had to wait til it was over to even talk about it. 

First, there are the company holiday parties. Worlds are about to collide. How cool are you with your coworkers meeting your person? The people you spend allllll day every day with are about to silently judge the hell outta the person you spend your free time and money on, and vice versa. 

DO attend the work holiday party if he invited you because you might meet your next boyfriend there. 

DON'T tell him that's your reason. 

What about the friend parties? Meeting your person's friends for the first time, or having them meet yours, at a Christmas party is a recipe for a fiery ulcer. I like all of you, otherwise I wouldn't hang out with you so much, but what if you don't like each other? WHAT IF. 

DO get obliterated drunk to calm yourself down for the party. 

DON'T drink and drive.

And then what about family stuff? Is there a point when it's expected that I bring him to family stuff? Is it an amount of time we've been dating or something? WHAT ARE THE RULES.

DO get silently pissed when he doesn't invite you to family stuff.

DON'T tell him, then let him guess why you're mad.

Then, there's gifts. Do you exchange gifts? What level of gift do you exchange? Is there a dollar amount? Is there some rule for this that I could have saved myself a lot of stress by knowing? I know he would have liked literally anything I gave him, and vice versa because we're not always assholes, but that doesn't change how stressful it is finding the most perfect gift that is both thoughtful and appropriate for the first gift exchange we have ever had, except for my birthday which was like a month after we started dating and he totally killed it which adds to the pressure, and now this is the longest run on sentence ever. 

DO hack into his bank account to see what he got you. 

DON'T be obvious about it. Be cool man.

Solid relationship advice once again from yours truly. You're welcome.

Unrelated, totally hypothetical, asking for a friend: what are the rules for first Valentine's Day? 

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Gimme some sugar

I love sugar. Always have. Give me ALL the cake and pie. And kisses. But mostly cookies. And chocolate. Omg and chocolate milk. And brownies. Just, all of it. Hi, my name is Nerky, and I'm a sugarholic. I'll even eat those shitty pumpkin pie flavored poptarts if they're in my house. Ew, but I draw the line if they're unfrosted. I mean, I have standards.

Combine that with the fact that I've been in sort of a limbo funk with my workout restrictions due to knee surgery and then also Christmas and blah blah blah excuses. I'm addicted to sugar, so now I've gotta kick the habit. I'm working on it and I'm grumpy about it, SO DON'T CROSS ME. I have a few tips (just the tip) to share that have worked in the past and are my go-tos for not murdering people during my sugar withdrawals.

1. Don't keep a candy bowl on your desk. Okay, technically I have a candy bowl, but it's full of Jolly Ranchers and I don't even like those. I like it when my coworkers come talk to me/use me as an excuse to get candy. Plus I make them answer a question based on whatever color they choose. Anyway, this one is self explanatory. If candy is in plain sight, you're more likely to cave and nom a piece all of it.

2. Chew gum. I like to buy the dessert flavors. I recently acquired a pineapple flavor I like, but mint chocolate chip will always be my favorite craving curber. Watermelon is good too.

3. Wean yourself off of it. Start replacing sugary treats with slightly healthier versions. What used to be a handful of candy leftover from assholes who are hellbent on fattening me up at Christmas, is now a banana cut up with a little bit of light chocolate sauce. What used to be coffee filled with sweet creamer is now coffee as black as my soul.

4. Find protein packed treats. Have you tried Quest Bars? They're sweet enough to satisfy a sugar craving and you get 20g protein to keep you full. I also like Zone Perfect bars because they have real chocolate on the outside, however they only have 14g protein. Still, it's better for you than a candy bar. Greek yogurt is a great healthy option too, just throw some chocolate chips in there and boom, lil bitta chockit, lil bitta prot.

5. Treat yoself. I'm not giving up froyo Fridays with my kid. It's our family tradition and those calories are worth it to me to have that experience with him. First day of you period? Shitty day at work? Your birthday? Your mom's birthday? Yeah, have some cake. It will taste better when it happens less often. (twss)

6. Shut down the kitchen. Dinner's over, dishes are did. No sneaking back in there for a bowl of ice cream unless you have macros leftover, which you DON'T because I saw you sneak that fun size Snickers from your coworker's candy bowl.

7. Change your habits. I used to get bored hungry, bungry if you will, while sitting in front of the tv at night. For the past few days I haven't turned the tv on at all when I got home from work and I moved my computer to a different room. I've gotten more done this way because I'm able to focus better, plus I haven't succumbed to a snack attack. Double win for the fight against night time snacking and sugar. The struggle is real, y'all.