Friday, December 12, 2014

Frisky Friday: Fit


I totally have this person, y'all. For the record, I also have this person: 


They are the same person, because balance. And also pizza is delicious. Don't even talk to me until you've tried bacon stuffed crust.

The thing is, I haven't always been on the same page fitness-wise in relationships, and that's hard. Oh, you don't like the way the hard baked eggs smell in the fridge? Looks like this isn't gonna work out because that's not going away since eggs are an excellent source of protein and an easy-to-grab snack. Gotta prot, bro.

Sorry I have to leave early/come home late because I'm at the gym. I mean, I'm not actually sorry because it's not fair to make me feel bad for that. Bye Felicia.

Oh, you don't pay attention to what you eat? First of all, what? Second of all, this isn't gonna work out, probably because you'll get annoyed by how much I pay attention to what I eat. I mean, it's only what fuels the body. Whatever.

And on the flip side, oh, you're not getting popcorn at the movies? You don't eat cheeseburgers, like ever? I don't want to live in a world where I am denied popcorn and cheeseburgers. You go forth and get abs, I'll be in line for a popcorn refill. Layer the butter, please.

Those last two sound a scotche contradictory. What I mean is that I eat healthily most of the time in order to eat unhealthily sometimes. I need a man who gets me. And also cooks healthy things for me. And I found one. It's nice to be with someone who is health conscious in the same way. It makes it easy to agree on meals and cheat meals and we also laugh at each other's fuckups, like that day I was 800 calories and 100g carbs over my daily limit. I ain't even mad, that day was amazing.

Cheers to good health and abs that are just hiding under a thin layer of totally worth it fat.

Monday, December 8, 2014

To Fitbit or not to Fitbit?

Seems like the Fitbit is the it gift this year for fitness. People keep asking me about them and which they should buy, so let's talk a tidbit about the Fitbit. A friend of mine let me borrow her Fitbit One, and one thing I did really like about it is how discreet it was. Just clip it to your bra and fuhgeddaboutit. Also, the app was really user friendly.

Here's the dealio. It really depends on who you're buying it for. Somebody who is just starting out in fitness could do great things with a Fitbit. Move mountains. Walk on water. All that jazz. (Probably not those things, actually.) Fitbits are excellent tools to force you to really think about fitness the same way tracking your calories/food/macros forces you to pay closer attention to your food and make healthy choices. When you know every single step is going toward your daily goal of 10,000, then maybe you park your car further away from the store Target entrance (are there other stores?). Maybe you take the stairs instead of the elevator. The best thing about Fitbits, or any activity trackers, is that they get your mind in the right place - thinking about how to stay active.

For someone who exercises regularly already, a Fitbit may not be ideal. It doesn't tell me anything I don't already know. It's just another gadget that will get lost in the gadget drawer of doom and sadness with my old Tom Tom GPS, busted laptop from college and Gameboy. (Just kidding, if I still had my Gameboy it totally wouldn't be in the drawer gadgets go to die. I'd be smashing my Tetris high scores, obviously.) 

So that's my two cents. If you need a boost or reminder to keep being active, then Fitbits can be awesome. Otherwise, I'd save my money. Here's something I could use, though:

Or watch it HERE. It's worth it. You're welcome.

No, I'm not referring to the cologne. I'm referring to a scruffy faced definitely-not-Captain-America Chris Evans on a motorcycle. He'll totally fit in my stocking. (Ifyouknowwhatimean.)

Monday, December 1, 2014

Million Dollar Baby

I got a punching bag, y'all. My shoulders are already sore and I've had it for one day. Aw yeahhhh, do you hear that? The gains train is a-comin'. I can't wait to get back into cardio since running is still in my fairly distant future, and even then it's not like I can bust out 5 miles immediately. And tuh be honest, walking at a respectable pace is the hurdle I'm working to overcome currently, so running at a respectable pace won't happen for a while.


Confesh: I haven't seen any of the Rocky movies, unless you count Rocky Horror Picture Show. I know, I suck. I also haven't seen The Godfather or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I can, however, sing the entire theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. So, ya know, I'm kind of a big deal.

I got off topic. I'm pumped about cardio in my workout routine now, and also a new way to work my arms. With the hollerdays happening presently and pie and chocolate around every corner, I gotta do something to keep it sexy. Because you know Ima eat that pie. (Not a euphemism. Actual pie.)

My ultimate goal is to use it for a full body workout and get weird with punching bag sit ups.


Yo homes, smell ya later.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Mini Pecan Pies - Because Everything is Better Mini

Do you need a different but still tradish dessert for tomorrow? (Do you hate that I just said tradish?) Are you apprehensive about cutting pie because it crumbles apart as you wonder how the eff actual bakeries and/or Luby's cut perfectly triangular slices of pie? Do you agree that all regular sized food is infinitely cuter when minified? 

Boomshakalaka.

Mini Pecan Pies
Makes 8 mini pies

Crust:
3/4 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1 1/2 cups flour

Cream butter and sugar. Gradually add flour. Press mixture into bottom and sides of 8 greased tart pans. It's really that easy.

Pro tip: Don't spread it too thin - the crust or the love. The base needs to be sturdy enough to hold the warm heavenly goop that is the filling of pecan pie. Or any pie, really. 

Pie Filling:
3 eggs
1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter, melted
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups pecan halves

Mix everything but the pecans. Then add the pecans. Seriously, pecan pie is one of the easiest desserts to make. Spoon 1/3 cup of the mixture into each crusted tart pan (we went from greased tarts to crusted tarts - such is life). Make sure you have enough pecans in each pie - exactly 8.3 pecans, no more and no less. (Kidding.) Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and cool on a wire rack until room temperature, then pop the pies out of the tart pans and win the Thanksgiving dessert table. 

Monday, November 24, 2014

Thanksgiving Leftovers Turkey Burgers

I feel like a fire has been lit. A new leaf turnt over. The fog has been lifted. Y'all, I went to the gym last night for the first time in over 6 weeks since injuring myself in the Tough Mudder. It took me 2 weeks of rest before I finally went to the doc, two more weeks of being in a funky funk from my diagnoses of torn ACL and dual menisci because I knew this recovery was gonna be a little more than just taking it easy. Now it's already been two since surgery. Hollaback. 

I'm so done with being gimped up in this brace. It's not my kinda sexy.

So anyway, today I have a fun recipe! Fact: I used to hate cooking because I didn't know what was up. That's why I ate cheap fast food (hayyyyy double bacon cheeseburger) and easy to prep meals like those frozen ones you just throw in the skillet. You know, the ones packed with sodium, preservatives, creamy sauces and calories. Then I was all, umm this has to change because I jiggle in all the wrong places. So one day I said, fuck da police, Ima learn to cook. Now I cook a whole lot once or twice a week and eat leftovers the rest of the time. My manfriend and I also cook just about every time we're together because with our forces combined in the kitchen, magical unicorns dance happy little jigs on our taste buds. If anyone asks, I'm the chef and he's the sous chef. 

Thanksgiving Leftovers Turkey Burgers


Ya need:
Ground turkey
Buns, hun. Hawaiian would be good.
Green bean casserole, prepped
Stuffing, prepped
Canned cranberry sauce
Gravy
Sage
Thyme
S&P

1. Form the ground turkey into patties and season liberally with salt, peper, thyme and sage. Ground turkey doesn't have the same amount of flavor as hamburger meat, so you have to rely on seasonings to make it pop. Cook it in a skillet with a scotche of olive oil. 

2. Form your stuffing into stuffing patties. Just use your fingers. (Twss.) Use a small cookie cutter to cut pickle-sized circles of cranberry sauce. You can also use a cookie cutter for the stuffing, I ain't judgin'.

3. Once the turkey is done, remove from skillet and top with a stuffing patty and a couple of cranberry sauce "pickles". Alternate method: smoosh the cranberry sauce into the top bun.

4. Toast ya buns. And then toast your hamburger buns. This will keep it from getting soggy because we're about to jump on the gravy train.

5. Build as follows: Bottom bun, green bean casserole (be sure to get some of those crunchy onions in there), turkey patty, stuffing patty, cranberry sauce, gravy (smeared on the top bun like a condiment), top bun. 

Consume your masterpiece within 1.5 seconds, because holy damn. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Ice ice baby, dun dun dun dun dadadundun

In exciting news, I've discovered the most amazing ice packs in the history of everything from physical therapy that I use daily. Y'all. If you have any sort of chronic inflammation that you ice on the reg, you NEED one of these. Seriously, they're so good.



I confessed my love for them to my physical therapist, and she informed me that you can buy them on Amazon. Shut. Up. Give me two. So I ordered two because holy shitballs, they. are. worth. it. It's the perfect amount of coldness. It velcros so that it stays put. It stays cold for a solid 30+ minutes. And it's huge - 9"x24". Totally worth every penny. Y'all, I'm so excited about my ice packs. It's called Elastogel and you can find it HERE. See for yourself. F'real.

But seriously, it's getting realio over here. Realio boring. I'm so done with this gimp knee, I can't do anything fun. The other day I was watching Chris Hemsworth have glistening, steamy relations with some ho a female that was very pretty and tan (it was in Rush, which was actually pretty good), as I sat on my couch bundled up in the pajamas that my manfriend had to help me put on, strapped in the machine that forces my leg to bend and straighten, stuffing my face with chips leaving a crumb trail of shame down my shirt. (I'm sexy and I know it.) Chris Hemsworth and friend were all tangled up in sweat lust-thrusting to the beat of the music as the gentle purr of my CPM machine kept me firmly planted in my lame reality.

5.75 months to go.

Walking in to work I race people (they don't know it) and today I totally passed this little old lady (then I spit in her face and slapped her notes out of her hand, like you do). I quit crutches (I wish I knew how to quit you) a week after surgery, same with pain meds. It feels good to be walking again, even though I hobble for a bit at first after I get up from sitting for a long time. Even though at the end of the day I'm so tired that I will give my kid anything he wants if he just goes to sleep so I can. Even though walking isn't running. Honestly, every day is a little bit better and I get stronger and stronger. This is all like déjà vu, except I feel like it's taking longer this time. But maybe I'm just impatient, it's only been 11 days. Not that anyone's counting.

Friday, November 14, 2014

So what now?

Recovery is a bitch. A big. ol'. bitch. The thing is, I still have everyday life stresses like work, paying bills and my kid, who thinks it's totally appropriate to burst into a scream/crying (scrying?) fit because I asked him to put on his socks. 

In my head: Listen, you little shit. You better get it together or I'm gonna smack you with my crutches.

What I actually said: Listen, you little shit. You better get it together or I'm gonna smack you with my crutches.

Just kidding. But seriously. Don't cross me, spawn. 

The thing I typically do to relieve stress, I can't do right now. (No, not masturbate. The other thing.) It's been over a month since I've had a decent run. It's been almost that long since I've been to the gym at all. Now that I've had surgery, at least I'm in the process of healing. While it still hurts real bad (my lips hurt real bad), I know that in a few months I'll be able to get back to running bigger better stronger faster than ever. But what do I do until then? Eat all the things? Gain all my weight back?

Fuck if I know, bro. I'm no expert, I'm just some chump that lost a bunch of weight. I do know that my arms aren't injured, they can probably still pump some iron. And I know that my abs aren't injured, they could probably still sit some ups. And I know that exercise sets my mind right. And I know I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.


So far this time it's been hella more painful. I don't know if it's because it's the second time on the same leg and my knee is all wtf, bruh NOT AGAIN, NOOOOOO! Or if it's because they repaired more in there - the ACL and both menisci. (Probably the latter.) This time I have grand plans of listening to my doc and physical therapist and not pushing my limits. Also, I definitely have to keep my diet on point since bacardio is a thing of the past and future but not the present. Cheers.