Monday, November 28, 2016

Thankful

I can check "host Thanksgiving" off my bucket list now, and we didn't even have any awkward family political rants. Fact: I've never made most traditional Thanksgiving dishes. We didn't really do Thanksgiving when I was a kid, and now I get why. My dad didn't want to dick with it. Jesus H, that's a lotta cookin'. Plus, it's taken 7 people eating the same meal for the past 4 days and we still have leftovers. 

Poll: Is it acceptable to put peach pie filling in fruit salad? Because that's apparently how some people do it and I was APPALLED to learn this about my husfriend. Then I tasted it and it's kind of amazing. I mean, the peaches are so soft and flavorful. 

After Thanksgiving I had the brilliant idea of doing family pictures. I bought a camera from Amazon a while back to practice my paparazzi skillz, and we don't have any good pictures of all of us, so YOLO let's get everybody matching outfits, rest our hands on each other's shoulders and look up and to the left and say "farts". 

The look on her face = "whatabuncha assclowns"

Have you ever tried to get a picture of 7 people, including yourself? Nah, gurl. It's not gonna work out. I was running (in heels, obvi) to hit my mark in the 10 second delay, family picture circa 1990 style, all for naught because the lens we had on the camera made the pictures all weird, which I didn't notice until I got them on my computer, and I don't know enough about lenses to know why. Cool, no pictures of everyone then. Good thing I removed that lens for the individual pictures. But then this kid was in a mood because he didn't get the blue bowl, that kid wouldn't just POSE FOR THE GODDAMN PICTURE AND GET IT OVER WITH, this one wouldn't smile a regular smile, that one is in his own little world and not paying attention, that one ran off to go pee in the yard, and so on. Y'all, I reached my limit. I had to leave. 

I went and bought some noise cancelling headphones and an ice cream. I legit left the premises. I ate the ice cream alone in my car, then I went home, put my headphones on, and got some work done amidst the chaos. Because this is real life and it's LOUD AF. Most of the time I'm thankful for it, but sometimes I just need a solitary ice cream and some peace and quiet to reset.

"farts"

Monday, November 7, 2016

Well that month flew by, didn't it?

Hot damn, it's been a MONTH since I've posted and now it's November and there are Christmas carols on in stores (I don't hate it), Halloween candy is on clearance and I'm struggling with whether to take a family picture for nerky Christmas cards this week or push it out a couple of weeks so I can lose a few pounds. We need a month in review, considering the apocalypse is tomorrow, surely there is nothing better to read than what has happened in my life for the past 28-30 day, no? (I mean is this not literally the most terrifying presidential election ever?)

In early October I threw my frand a tea party baby shower that she almost didn't make it to because she was SO pregnant. This event deserves its own post. Fast forward 3 weeks later and I got to hold a 5 day old bebeh who just slept on me and made squishy baby faces and made my ute ache, but not quite achy enough to discontinue birth control because babies are cute, but my life is a scotche chaotic right now to bring another human into it. The baby would come out as a middle-aged mobster with a Boston accent and heartburn.

The rest of October was a mix of evening walks outside in the Fall weather we never get to experience and making mine and my spawn's halloween costumes in the free time I had when I wasn't working or taking a continuing education class. Y'all, I know how to make websites now. I can code like a total nerd.

Anyway, my husfriend hit it out of the park with my kid's Loki helmet. It's SO AWESOME that he's good at making stuff with his hands. Also, the prospect of dressing up in themed Halloween costumes is probably my number one reason for marrying him. 

HEROES AND VILLAINS:

Our fat ninja turtle won Halloween, hands down. Kids knew who Deadpool was, but their moms thought he was Spider-Man, which was hilarious. Most moms also didn't know who either of the little ones were - Hawkeye and Loki. Obvi the moms in my town need to watch more Marvel movies.

I was Poison Ivy because my husfriend was Batman and I couldn't figure out how to make Harley Quinn work appropriate, plus I thought a lot of girls would be her this year and I wanted to be unique like the sparkly rainbow snowflake I am. Speaking of, we STILL haven't seen Suicide Squad because life has been too busy. I'm not kidding when I say work and class and momming takes up legit all of my time. We had a kid-free Saturday night in mid October and I was so tired/lame/old that I was like...can we just pick up some take-out and come back home so we don't have to cook or clean? Fell asleep at 8:30 that night like an old ass.

Anywho, so my Poison Ivy costume was a green t-shirt dress that I cut the sleeves off of and glued ivy leaves to, a pair of green tights and some old black heels that I painted green and glittery. Oh and the mask was from the dollar store and I painted it green too. That's my natural hair, obvi.

So that was Halloween, aka my favorite holiday. Before that, Walking Dead came back and HORY SHIT was that an intense episode. And then the tiger episode was weird but necessary after such a draining first episode, and then last night we saw Daryl nekkid which I am NOT complaining about.

Also we have a stray cat living in our garage and he/she won't leave, nor will he/she let us get close to him/her, so we just started putting food and water out, and a litter box, and now we just have Pat the Garage Cat chillin' out there.

Also I got my hur did a couple of weeks ago since my stylist moved across the country. The anxiety of finding a new stylist is almost worse than the anxiety of thinking about who our next president might be. I just want to close my eyes and pretend none of it is happening.

She did a good job, though. So maybe it's not the same at all.

Separately, but kind of related, I accidentally shaved off the middle of my eyebrow last week. Like, I have three eyebrows now. So that about sums up October.

November just started and last week was a super busy work week for me, plus Halloween was Monday and I had a class on Friday night, which culminated in me thinking I was just tired this weekend and not realizing until Sunday that I have strep LIKE A CHILD. So I'm home today so as not to infect my coworkers, and fingers crossed my spawn, stepspawn, husfriend, dogs and garage cat don't catch it from me.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Random Act of Kindness

Can we pause time for a sec and ask how the actual fuck it's already October?! It's an important (and magical) month, y'all. Boobies, pumpkin spice and Halloween, three topics worth discussing, amiright? The thing is, October isn't sugar and pumpkin spice and everything nice for all of us. One mama recently contacted me and asked for help. Her young daughter tragically passed away 7 years ago and she wants to keep her memory alive in the sweetest way. Read her story here:

"This November will mark 7 long years since she passed away unexpectedly from an undiagnosed heart condition. On November 26th, 2009 I kept Sydney home from daycare because she had what we thought was the flu. She spent the day home with me snuggling on the couch and when my husband got home from work I went to work for a few hours. I had only gotten to there and my husband Dwayne called me and said that her heart was racing really hard - I told him I'd meet him at the hospital. Within in 30 minutes they had already determined something was very wrong as her heart rate was double what it should be. After some x-rays they noticed her heart was twice the size as it had been the month before. Our family had been down and out with H1N1 the month prior and she had had chest x-rays then. We are from a town of about 32,000 so Sydney had to be rushed to a bigger hospital for more tests then within a few hours, to SickKids in Toronto (a couple hours from our home). There were several complications from then on; she went into cardiac arrest before she got to SickKids (it was the first snow of the year and the helicopter wouldn't fly her there so she went by ambulance - she arrested 15 minutes before getting to the hospital). Once they had her stable she was put on an ecmo machine to do her heart's work and they said she would need a new heart right away but they had to determine what kind of damage was done from her being without oxygen for so long. The next day (Nov 27th) they did open heart surgery to remove a blood clot that occurred when she went into cardiac arrest. She never woke up after that. The following day they did more tests and determined there was no neurological activity and we had to take her off life support. Sydney passed away November 28th, 2009 only 48 hours after we took her to our local hospital - she had just celebrated her 2nd birthday the month before. It took us 18 months to get autopsy results and they determined she had dilated cardiomyopathy; it was probably triggered from H1N1. It's ironic that at the time I was working for the health unit and running the flu/H1N1 clinics. Our world came crashing down that day and it's been a fight every day to always look at the positive. Our son, he was almost 5 at the time, lost his best friend that day but he kept us going and as much as we struggle some days still, he still misses his sister just as much. Our youngest daughter never got to meet her sister but she talks about her all the time and she happily announces to people that she has an older brother and an older sister who is in heaven. It's normal for her and it brings her comfort."
She is doing something really great this year to keep her daughter's memory alive - she's hosting a Random Acts of Kindness Day on what would be her 9th birthday. That's where we come in - On October 19th, do a Random Act of Kindness for Sydney. It doesn't have to cost anything and it will almost certainly brighten the recipient's day. Here are some free and inexpensive ideas:

- Gather the runaway shopping carts in a parking lot and put them away
- Pay a compliment to a stranger
- Or to anyone
- Give a homeless person a meal or some basic needs 
- Help your coworker out with a project/buy them a snack

Visit her Facebook page to post your RAoK for Sydney! Thanks for participating, y'all. This story just broke my cold, black heart and I had to share!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Well, is it?

Conversation last week in the kitchen, where I'm doing mom stuff (aka pouring some chocolate milk for the spawn) and my husfriend is opening a box from Amazon, because why bother going to a store when you can shop online, amiright:

Me: What did you get?

Him: A survival knife! (As he pulls out a big ass knife. He is very, very excited, as noted by the exclamation point.)

Me: ...why.

Him: We need a survival knife. (He has a thick Texas accent, so it sounds like "survahvuhl naff")

Me: ...why.

Him: For surviving. (Survahvin'.)

Me: ...... (stares at him)

Him: ......(stares at me)

Me: ......(stares at him)

Him: But is it sexy, though?

I guess we're set in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Or a sexy survival weapon competition. It's like a wet t-shirt contest, only more stabby. Side note, we might watch too much Naked and Afraid.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Just when I thought...

the night was a total bust...

Okay. Fuh RULL, last night was a doozy. Like, fuck off, Thursday, with your stank-ass attitude and general shittiness. I ain't got time fo' dat. I mean, it probably wouldn't have been so lame if the rest of my week wasn't so hectic. We all have weeks like this, right? Work all day, have to be somewhere all night after work, family stuff comes up, kids get sick, work schedule is nuts, whatever. It happens. But as a special cherry on top of this particular week, I blew out two tires leaving work last night trying to hightail it to Meet the Teacher.

Okay, I might have hit the curb. But I wasn't even going fast and two tires seems excessively shitty, because I only have ONE spare. THANKS OBAMA. 

So shitabrick, y'all. I had to pick up my spawn and get to meet the teacher so I don't get judged by the assholes in the PTA. I pull over and start to get out my stuff to put my spare on, and as I'm doing so, a couple of guys roll up and ask if I need help. 

I mean, okay. I'm a strong, independent woman, but I'm not stupid. Yeah, I need help. I don't need to prove to anyone that I can change a tire, plus I got my Michael Kors shoes on gurrrrrl. So these non-serial-killer-lookin' gents help me out with the tire while I text my dad and husfriend to figure out how to get a new tire and make it to meet the teacher while avoiding direct eye contact with the drivers of the cars zooming past us, happily on their way home from their 9-5s. My dad comes to meet me to take my to the tire store while my husfriend heads to Meet the Teacher for me. Shout out to the men in my life, amiright?

Y'all, the tire store guy was like a male model past his prime who's now facing the harsh reality of life as a regular person. Aka super good looking, maybe a touch unprepared mentally. It took them forever and a day to get my tire, then we had to go back and change it out. By this time it's raining, COOL. Great day to wear a suede dress, fam.

ANYWAY, so long story still sorta long, my dad and I change the tire lightning fast. Like I'm talking Nascar tire pit fast, because rain, plus I still think I'm gonna make it to Meet the Teacher (nope) Then I head on my way, realizing now that I'm already late and definitely not going to make it. At this point I have to pee SO BAD, so I stop at my favorite white girl hang out, Starbucks.

And y'all. Do you know what I discovered?
YEP. Pumpkin Spice Latte y'alllllllllll

If it wasn't for my blown out tire fiasco, I wouldn't have had to stop to pee on the way to pick up my spawn, and therefore would not have had to go inside a drive-thru Starbucks, and therefore would not have seen this beautiful sign by the menu and therefore would not have had my very first PSL of the season as the cherry on top of a busy week.

My kid got to spend some extra quality time with his dad. My husfriend went to Meet the Teacher for me and my dad helped me get my tire sitch handled. And I got a PSL and didn't even ruin my shoes. You can shit all over my Thursday, but I will find a way to WIN.

Cheers!

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Cauliflower pizza crust

Dang Gina, where are all the healthy recipes I used to post?! They're all still on Pinterest because I don't have time for new stuff. Just kidding. Sorta.

This week we've had two faux carb meals and I'm pretty sure the kids didn't even care/notice. First, spaghetti squash. Let's get realio, we never use spaghetti noodles. Ever. We always serve spaghetti with squash subbed in for noodles. Every. Time. Know why? It's delicious. The kids omnonom it up, so it's a total win. Plus, my husfriend makes this bomb ass sauce packed to the max with veggies - whatever we have in the fridge. This last one was lots of tomatoes (barf, but I digress), eggplant, bell peps, etc. It's good with yellow squash and zucchini in it too. ALL THE SQUASH.

I'm a recipe follower, he's a mad scientist. It works. 

We also made pizza with cauliflower crust because we're savage. Ima be honest, I did NOT think the kids were gonna be down with this and our toppings combo, but they were, so YASSSSS. Fair warning, it will give you DANK garlic breath, but it's worth it.

Cauliflower Crust:

1/2 head cauliflower
1 egg
1/2 cup fresh parsley, chopped
1 cup shredded mozzarella
4 cloves garlic, minced
a few dashes of Italian seasoning
S&P to taste

Chop up your cauliflower and put it in a food processor to grate it up even more. Steam it for 10-15 minutes, then add everything to a bowl and mix it up. Flatten it out and put it on a cookie sheet to bake at 450 for 15-20 minutes, or until it's crispy. Personally, I like to make individual little pizzas because they cook better, aka it won't be as soggy in the middle, plus, who doesn't want their own lil pizza? After it's cooked, take it out of the oven and add whatever toppings you want, and bake it til the cheese melts, about 3-4 minutes.

Done and delicious. Look at all those calories/carbs/macros you just saved. You go gurl.

We put pepperoni, banana peps, shrooms, olives and cheese on it this time.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Back to school, back to school, to prove to dad that I'm not a fool

It's been a minute since I've posted because I was getting the fruit of my loins ready for his first time going to school. Plus getting the other kids ready, but they've already been in school so it's not as exciting/terrifying. They wear uniforms at his school and I can't with the little polo shirt. I just can't. HE'S BASICALLY GROWN, Y'ALL. 

We're back on the lunch-packing game errrnight too. Plus, the big kid's school starts early AF, so I'm rockin' that 5:30am club and it's not even to get in a workout. It's to get everyone to school on time. So instead of running in the morning, I run after work. I don't hate it because it's not the pit of Mordor outside anymore. Just humid. So. Fecking. Humid.


Typically I run 2-3 miles like 4-5 times a week. I'm toying with the idea of doing another half, but I just don't know if I can truly commit to that kind of training with my crazy schedule and asshole knee. (I mean it's not really an asshole. How awkward would that be? Is it better or worse than a third nipple? Because what if the nipple was on the tip of your nose or your eyelid? Would you have to keep it covered lest you get ticketed for indecent exposure? These are questions I need answered, people.) Running has been a little less shitty lately, and I attribute that to foam rolling and massaging my scar every day (I know Voldemort is up to some shenanigans when it starts hurting REAL bad). I don't wear the brace anymore, but I do always wear a compression sleeve or compression capris.

It's a delicate balance for us every evening during school with getting dinner made, both of us getting a workout in, bath and bed routing for the littlest by 8:30, then lunch packing, cleaning the kitchen, etc. Gurl, I don't even sit down til 9:30 and by then mama's tired. When do I get to stop working for the man and start being a trophy wife? I thought that's what I signed up for, might need to go back and read the fine print.

Happy #transformationtuesday, y'all! Tag me on Insta with your transformations!