Thursday, May 21, 2015

Pretty people gym

I joined one of those "pretty people" gyms, y'all. The ones with towel service and 16 pools and tan, thin people that don't sweat. I was sucked in by the spaceship treadmills that not only show a video to make it seem like you're running on the beach, but they also make you a latte and pat you on the ass when you're done.

I don't know what I was thinking. 

Anyway, BIG NEWS: I think I my stomach might be ready for me to run in a sports bra sans shirt. Next up, get me one of J.Lo's dresses from the Billboard awards. I'll wear it to work, it'll be great.

And just, all the goals.
I mean seriously. She's gorg.

WHY is my stomach ready, you ask? Because it's tighter (and I'm down a dress size, holla!) from switching up my workouts from the same ol' weights and running routine everyday to include biking and swimming as well. And also because it's my stomach, my rules. I'll run outside in a sports bra if I want to. I'll also end a sentence in a preposition because I am a goddamn rebel.

The funny thing is, my weight isn't much different. Maybe a couple of pounds lower on a good day before I've eaten anything and after I've peed? But also maybe no change at all. So that's cool and not confusing. The really weird thing is I have been doing a terrible job at eating clean. Seriously, I put my kid to sleep, and then I eat his gummy bears and ice cream. It's legiterally (legit+literally, you're welcome) the worst. Tell me I'm not the only one.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

I've been swimming 3 times so far to prep for this sprint triathlon. Of my 1.5 year membership at this gym, that marks 3 times I've been to the pool now. So it's getting pretty serious.

My first swim, I basically drowned and got my ass kicked by an old man in the lane next to me. I swam 10x50m and breathed more water than air. I don't know what swimming form is, but I approach it like Phoebe approaches running.

With enthusiasm.

My second time wasn't so scary and I swam 7x100m with 30 second rests in between. I was happy about it, I liked the structure and felt like this 500m swim is gonna be alright. I can do it, or I will be able to in a month.

Then my third swim, last night, I planned to do 3x100m and 2x150m. But on my 3rd set of 100m, I just kept going. I swam 300m all at once, rested 30 seconds and did another 100m for shits and giggles. Y'all, I can totally nail this swim. I ain't scurred.

Except it's not in a pool with clear water and a nice black line to follow so I know I'm going straight. (Okay, I'm a little scurred.) I 100% smoothly (Lies, all lies.) asked a pro about open water swimming before the race - "Um, so do I just like get in a lake? Are you allowed to do that? Will I get hit by a boat? Are there sharks in lakes, or like, other mean fish? Do we have alligators here? Wait, crocodiles? What's the difference?" - and he looked at me like I was the idiot I sounded like and asked if I had a boyfriend. And I didn't understand how that was relevant until he followed up with, "Do you have a boyfriend with a kayak?" And then I wondered how many girls in the world have boyfriends with kayaks to make that a reasonable question. Is it common? I know one person that owns a kayak. ONE. Out of all the people I know in real life, one. And he's not my boyfriend. How necessary is that part? Is he supposed to kayak next to me or something? Seems like he'd hit me with the paddles. (And not even in a good way.) This is what happens in my brain during conversations, y'all. This is why I have RBF in public so people don't talk to me, because I make talking to me awkward. I'm doing you a favor, really.

So the pro said that there's a beach on a lake nearby that's open to swimmers, and my hypothetical boyfriend with a kayak should go with me just in case I get a cramp or accidentally breathe in a minnow or something, so he could either save me from drowning or steal my cash/tell the paramedics approximately where my body is, whichever is easier.

So I guess my boyfriend needs a kayak. Also, still curious about whether or not there are mean fish in lakes. 

Monday, May 11, 2015

Wine about it.

Yesterday I wanted to buy a bottle of wine with my groceries in the morning because it was Mother's Day, dammit, and nothing says "I'm a mom" quite like sipping cheap wine out of a coffee mug. Mostly I just wanted a bubble bath because my back is sore AF from all the swimming I've been doing lately, and who doesn't have wine with a bubble bath? It's like peanut butter and jelly, you can't have one without the other. But my dreams were thwarted by Texas.

See, we can't buy alcohol before noon on Sundays because we're still pretending that Christians don't ever drink, so that means no one can it's the law round these parts. I just...I mean, wasn't turning water into wine one of Jesus's main party tricks? It's pretty much that, the whole resurrection thing and healing sick people, right? 

All I'm sayin' is that you can go to a hospital before noon on Sunday. And I'm pretty sure there isn't a time restriction on resurrection either. (But I'll need to fact-check that.)

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Tame your lettuce, please

FuckaDUCK, swimming is hard. Thank the lawd it's the first leg of the tri so I have 100% of my energy available and at the ready to expend not drowning. I went to the pool at the gym last weekend for my first training swim and got my ass handed to me by an old man swimming lap after lap with no break. I'm pretty positive he was secretly racing me, but it wasn't a fair fight considering I was choking on chlorine and flailing like a cat in a bathtub. (On a positive note, I discovered that my gym has a hot tub. Sweet.) Swimming is clearly not my strong suit and I'm nervous AF about it for the race. Obviously I need to practice more, but I can't do that with the lame-o silver swim cap I have, so I went window shopping. On the internet.

Y'all, it's perfect.

The thing is, I also don't have a one piece or a sporty swimsuit. I'm in the bikini4lyfe club ever since I lost all that weight, and wearing a string bikini to the gym pool will not get you any street cred. I know this because people looked at me like I was a total n00b in the locker room. (It had nothing to do with my nip slipping out briefly. Probably.) The good news is I found a much more SUITable option:

Internet, you are nailing this.

And in case you find that lettuce to be too ostentatious, here's another option:

Tame your lettuce, folks.
It's also a triple decker.
And it's on sale.

I seriously need both the suit and the cap to wear for each training swim to remind myself of the delicious burger I'm working toward. (Grub Burger Bar, I'm lookin' at you and your guacapotle. It's not even a want, it's a need.) 

And for those of you who train with a friend:

I wonder if it comes in "sweet potato fry".

Monday, May 4, 2015

May the 4th be with you

A work friend of mine came into my office the other day with IMPORTANT WORK STUFF, aka she showed me a picture and said, "I immediately thought of you!"

Are. They. Not. Perfect? She hand paints custom designs and she has all sorts of Star Wars, LOTR and Harry Potter things happening. Pretty sure my manfriend would die if I got the Boba Fett ones.

But I mean, I made those Wonder Woman shoes. I paint wall murals. I have white shoes packed away in a box in the attic that contains random stuff from that one time I got married and had a wedding, including but not limited to, my size 12 wedding dress that my maid of honor was so kind to tell me "Oh, but wedding dresses run small, you're not that big", because she was on point with her MOH game. 

I can DIY this so hard just in time for Star Wars Day. (Today, may the 4th be with you.)

Something about me is that I prefer silence when I paint so that I can focus. Something my kid is not great at is providing silence, but we got it done. He was stoked to paint his very own picture while painted my shoes. It's a lovely gray and blue abstract piece we named "Messy Lines On Coloring Book Page". He has true potential.

I simplified the design a bit, got my craft paint and some old-almost-forgotten-about white heels, and boom, hand painted R2-DShoes for $0. 

Now maybe I should dig out that old wedding dress, get it taken in to fit and paint it to match. I mean, not to get married or anything, just to wear out to da club and grocery shopping and other places people go.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Just give me a hint

Do your kids get invited to other kid's birthday parties? Do you then buy gifts for said parties? Me too, except I am completely inept at gift giving if the birthday child is not a 3 year old boy who is fond of superheroes. Typically you can kind of guess what the kid is into by the invitation, but in this case it was a blank card with just the party deets. Alright party mom, this one's on you.

What are 2 year old little girls into? Apparently vampire Bratz dolls and giant-eyed stuffed animals, according to toy aisles everywhere. Should I get her a Wonder Woman doll? (Is it an action figure?) Is it offensive if I get her a doll, a female doll no less, because that's a gender stereotype? How do I even know if she's into DC or Marvel? Does the race of the doll matter? Do they make black Elsa? Is that worse than giving white Elsa? Okay, no dolls. What about clothes? Don't know her size, shit. What about Elmo? Yeah, kids love that little bugger. OH GOOD they only have the $60 life size version.

I'll just get her some glitter eye shadow, a crop top shirt and some cocaine and be done.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Sprint Tri

Last night I signed up for a sprint triathlon on June 7. (Insert nervous face emoji here.) From what I gather, sprint distances vary a bit. This one is a 500m swim, 14 mile bike ride and 3.1 mile run, so basically level: n00b. It will be a good first step into tris and I'll be that much closer to crossing another thing off my bucket list! (I asked them to add a zipline portion so I could cross 2 things off, but they haven't returned my calls.) I'm very excited about a race that involves wardrobe changes.

With 63% confidence, I can say that I can currently complete each piece of the race separately. As of right this moment, however, I'd probably not be 100% successful in living through it if I tried to do all three together. But that's the point, races give you a goal to reach for. I need some new and exciting goals now that my knee is mostly healed. (Unrelated: Is playing soccer again a terrible idea? Because I really want to. Really.)

I'm not gonna lie, friends. I'm rill nervous about race day. I don't have ANY triathlon gear and it's new and scary and weird and it seems very, very expensive and everything is happening so fast I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS. I'm definitely not going balls out and buying a road bike for this, I'll just power through on my cruiser. I can put my dog in the basket. Or maybe a picnic lunch for me and my future triathlon friends.

Do you have any solid triathlon advice? Tell me in the comments!