Friday, July 31, 2015

Eat ALL the things

Eating snails isn't formally on my bucket list, but it should be so I can cross it off. One time there was a snail in my house. I watched him(?) slowly slither from the top of the door frame diagonally across and up the 15 foot wall to the window sill, presumably to do hoodrat things with his snail friends. If I knew he'd be so tasty with garlic and butter, I would have made more of an effort to capture him. 

Who am I kidding, everything is tasty with garlic and butter.

This is what I get for being addicted to MasterChef (aka Gordon Ramsay's hair and accent). They make all this fancy food, and then I simply cannot continue living until it's inside me. A few weeks ago they made beef wellington, which is basically a super upscale burger pocket, except yanno, with tenderloin and puff pastry instead of ground beef and bun. And fancier toppings. I had to experience this. (Cow meat + carbs = burger, right?) So last night my manfriend and I went out for a fancy pants dinner at a fancy pants restaurant because we're fancy pants people who wanted beef wellington.

And also because it's my birthday today. 29? More like twenty-foinnnnnnnne.

Dallas folks, this was at Table 13.
Recommend.
Manfriend is turning extra tricks this month to afford it.
Three dollar signs.

We nommed escargots, bacon-wrapped figs (shitbitch these were good), beef wellington, chicken cordon bleu and bananas foster because we're goddamn worth it. And yanno what? It didn't even mess up my macros that much. Not that it matters, because life is for living and if you don't splurge on your birthday, then you're basically Hitler. 

Sure, 1,000 calories for one meal is a lot, but look at how glorious.
Shhh, just look.

I'll figure out how to make those bacon wrapped figs and post the recipe. They would be perfect for a holiday party. Or for eating naked on your couch watching MasterChef. Whatever you do is your business.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Knee update

I have my knee doctor appointment this afternoon that I reluctantly made after having some pretty intense knee pain every time I workout since I can remember. Seems like 9 months post-op should be minimal pain and back to regularly scheduled programming, but NOPE.

Funny story, the other day I left my overdue library book upstairs and I was already in my car in a serious hurry to leave. This was one of those days where I needed to leave like 15 minutes ago (so most days), but ain't nobody got time for late fees. I ran back in my house and took the stairs two at a time like a gangsta. Except as soon as my bad leg came down on the first set, it immediately buckled and I crashed down hard. I caught most of my weight on my hands, so I didn't eat carpet or anything (no homo), it was just startling. And it made me even later.

That's not the first time my knee has buckled, but it's the funniest. Also, probably not a thing that should happen? I'm no doctor though. Cryo hasn't really been helping over the long term. The cold helps the pain initially, but it comes back in full force within a few hours.

I'd also like to go on the record and say I followed all the rules post surgery this time, and there was never a moment that I felt like I reinjured it. It's just always felt unreliable. Kind of like a generic brand tampon. The box says they work, but you don't really want to put all your eggs in that basket. The stakes are too high for white pants or swimming. My knee is akin to generic feminine hygiene products. 

There is clearly some kind of dark sorcery happening and I'm going to request that he insert some adamantium in my knee joint, make me a skinny margarita and send me on my way. Good day, sir.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Road Bike

I get a lot of questions from n00b triathletes about my bike. Probably because I, too, am a n00b triathlete. My first race, I used a cheap old hand-me-down mountain bike. Don't do it, y'all. It. Was. Awful. My legs were so tired and it was SLOW AF. I hoped a car would cross over the coned barrier and hit me just so that I could stop riding. 

Not to be melodramatic or anything.

After that race I started researching inexpensive road bikes. Listen, I'm not about to drop thousands of doll hairs on this. I'm not even gonna drop one thousand doll hairs on this, not even close, so I was a little concerned when I Googled something like "inexpensive road bike" and all these articles claiming you don't have to spend $10k on a fancy bike offered the least expensive alternative as $3,000. In what universe is that inexpensive? Not mine. I can buy a lot of cheeseburgers for $3k, mkaaaaaay.

I went to a local cycling store to ask a pro and try some on. The thing about road bikes is they come in different sizes based on your height. The other thing about road bikes is you can be a different size depending on the brand, so it's really helpful to test out the brand you're looking to buy. I looked at a size chart online and it said I'm a 49-50. In the store I was a 46 in one and 50 in another. Neat.

I took my knowledge and went home to my trusty old friend, Amazon. I'm all about that Prime life. You can't test ride an online purchase, but I was willing to take the gamble. Plus, people get mail order brides and that's kind of the same. 



THIS is Winter . I went with a size 50 and it's a little big for me (twss), but still manageable. I also bought a water bottle holder and a bike pump to fit the weird tire valves. Did you know that road bike tires have a different kind of valve? It's called a presta valve and it's the other hole on your pump if you have a pump with two holes. I just bought a small handheld one(There are almost too many jokes.) 

I didn't buy cycling shoes, shorts or any other gear. I just use my running shoes to ride and I already had a helmet. That seat feels like somebody punched you in the taint when you go for a long ride though, so I may invest in some padded shorts or a padded seat. 

The way you ride a road bike takes a little getting used to, but overall this bike is a thousand times better and faster than the mountain bike. It was definitely worth the money to me as a casual rider and budding triathlete, especially now that I've used it in an actual race. 

So to recap, go get measured at a real bike store. Ask questions, they're super nice and helpful. It's not necessary to go balls out and spend thousands of dollars on an expensive bike and gear, though. Unless you're spending someone else's money, then do whatever you want before you get caught.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Tolltag Triathlon

It's official, I can cross triathlon off my bucket list.

The Swim. It was in a small lake with a pleasant view of the sunrise over the city dump. Ah, the smell of rotting garbage and fear, just the thing to pep you up before a race. At least it wasn't poop water like last time. We started out in the water, meaning no wall to push off from and no ground to stand on. Wait, and you mean there's not a pretty black line to follow so I know I'm going straight? And bitches be kickin' me? No. NO. I don't like it.

Plus, I'm slow. Y'all, women started the race after the men and almost all of them got ahead of me in the swim. I don't know if I'm bad at it or I need more practice or maybe I'm doing it wrong, but I wound up like the 5th to last one out of the water. Not a great confidence boost at the beginning of a race.

The Bike. I eventually caught up to people on the bike so I could shout WINTER IS COMING. That was my goal for the whole race. Achieved.

Serious triathlete selfie.

I passed lots of dead animals on the side of the road. I'm not sure if they were hit and run cycling casualties or death by natural causes, but there was a squirrel, frog, bird and what I thought was a leaky backpack, but it turned out to be an oozing armadillo. Otherwise known as lunch.

The Run. My legs weren't as dead for the run this time. This is probably due to swimming instead of running for the first leg and also having a better bike. Better bike = less effort. The first mile was hard and I was mentally chanting, "I...can...do...this" with each step. I would slowly creep up on people and pass them (on your left!) and I made a little game out of it. "Alright, purple shorts, I'm comin' after you." "Yeahhhh, on your left!" "Alright, purple shorts is old news, I'm lookin' at you, black tank top." And so on.

This little game kept my mind off running in triple digits and that's what matters.

Boom, done.

It was fun and I'm glad it's over. My knee pretty much kills, not only after this race but after every time I workout, so I finally broke down and scheduled an appointment with my knee doc. Fingers crossed he says, "Oh that? That's nothing. I have an easy, non-surgical solution for your pain. And here's a million dollars."

How cute is my cheering section:

What an adorable little medal stealer.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

How wet are we talking?

Today I got in my car and was backing out of a parking space when that Keith Urban song came on the radio where he says, "I'm gonna meet you with a warm, wet kiss" and I couldn't change the station because the backup camera was on and I can't mess with the radio when that's taking up the screen and it hasn't been an issue until today when I decided I'd rather put small children and animals in potential danger of my cavalier reversing than ever hear that lyric again. It just seems like a sloppy, irresponsible way to get a yeast infection. (Oh, did he mean a kiss on the mouth?) Why does he specify that it's wet? Does it involve saliva escaping the reasonable realm of containment and dribbling down my chin? Because I'm out on that. Let's keep it together, man. Dribbling's not sexy unless you're Lebron.

I'll take my chances blindly backing out of narrow parking spaces in busy parking lots. I'll parallel park like my father before me, no tricks. Just, please let me change the radio station while I'm in reverse or I will most certainly projectile vom on the inside of my windshield, and that's gonna be really hard to clean. 

Or maybe we can petition that he change the lyric to, "I'm gonna meet you with a temperate, average amount of saliva but still passionate, kiss," or even better, "I'm gonna meet you with a bottle of wine and a back massage," or even better, "I'm gonna meet you with a stuffed crust pizza and a zero calorie Rock Star + vodka because I know your soul and that's what you really need right now."

Because that's real love.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Triathlon prep

Shit y'all, my triathlon is THIS WEEKEND. I don't feel ready and I'm not excited like I was about the first one. I'm mostly nervous about drowning in the lake and I know my knee is gonna be on fire after the 11 mile bike ride and 5k run. I'm just not pumped up about it, man. It really took the wind out of my sails when they canceled the swim portion of the last one. Now I feel like I'm only doing this race because I have to to be able to cross it off my bucket list.

But I will persevere and not be a little bitch about it.

Hey, just a question. Whose idea was it to do any outside activity whatsoever in July in Texas? Any chance we can move this shindig indoors? The forecast says it's gonna be 104 that day. ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR DEGREES. What was I even thinking? It's not just my knee that will be on fire, I may burst into flames before I cross the finish line. Y'all tell my kid I love him and that mommy's sorry she spontaneously combusted. 

To prep for the run, I waited until the hottest part of the day to yog last Sunday. It was 100 degrees, and it's been this way for a while so it's not new or anything. Still not awesome. I have to go slow and focus on breathing (twss), averaging about 10:30-11 min/mile, but it's manageable. I'd rather the heat than it be snowing, so I'll deal.



Schweddy red face after running in 100 degrees.
Letting that stank soak into my couch.

I'm definitely going to bring my new frogg togg to stay cool. My friend brought them after the race last time and it was so amazing that I bought my own. Don't judge me if I can't wait til after the race and I wear it for the 5k. It's hot AF out.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Sugar Detox Update

I'd punch a kitten for a milkshake, y'all. 

I guess that's how you know I needed a sugar detox. I'm almost done, and it's pretty crazy the amount of sugar I would eat in a day before this started. The point of this detox was to become more aware of my added sugar intake and to seriously cut that back, not necessarily to nitpick every gram of sugar in carrots or apples or blueberries even though I eliminated fruit as well. Not carrots tho. Because I'm a goddamn rebel without a cause.

A regular weekday sugar intake:
Coffee creamer: 15g (at least)
Greek yogurt, blueberries and granola: 24g
Banana: 14g
Protein bar: 10g depending on the brand 
Apple and peanut butter: 24g
Afternoon coffee: 17g (at least)
Whatever dessert I had after dinner: 20-50g
Total: 124-154g
Added sugars: 86-116g
Natural sugars: 38g 

And that's just a weekday without me counting the random sugar found in places you wouldn't guess, like the 1g in sriracha. Weekends are different because it's Saturday, so that means donuts or pancakes are the only appropriate breakfast, obvi. And it also means candy at the movie theatre, cupcakes at birthday parties and Sonic happy hour slushies. And Starbucks. And Froyo Friday. 

Shit. That's a lot of sugar, especially when the American Heart Association caps your daily added sugar allowance as a female at 6 teaspoons (24g), or as a male, 9 teaspoons (36g). It's safe to say that even with my fairly healthy sugars, less the coffee creamer and dessert, I'm over the maximum. Well that's eyeopening.

It turns out I crave sugar at around 3pm and late at night (like most people, hence my afternoon coffee), so I really think about those cravings. Am I even hungry? Am I bored? Am I thirsty? Do I just want some chocolate because I'm a grown ass woman who can eat whatever I want whenever I want? (Yes.) If I eat some grilled chicken, will that help? I mean, probably. It would help my nutrition and waistline, but not necessarily curb my craving. That's why I love the dessert flavored gum - mint chocolate chip 4 lyfe. Also, I'm really excited to reintroduce fruit to my diet. That way I can curb some of those cravings with some healthy sugars. Plus, peaches are in season. Dem peaches doe.

After this detox, I'm going to work to stay under that daily 24g maximum. I'm never gonna give up Froyo Friday, though. Not as long as my kid still wants to do it. Who am I to crush the dreams of a child? Traditions are important.