Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Dear 16 year old me

Dear 16 year old me,

We have a lot to talk about, but let's narrow it down to one thing right now. Can you please eat more than 500 calories in a day? It's not going to work and you're not even fat. A hard boiled egg and a pickle is not lunch. 5 saltine crackers is not dinner. Whatthefuck, child. Do better. Listen, I know you're not the skinniest, hottest girl in school, and the thing is, it's gonna get worse before it gets better re: body fat %. Let's just be real. When you finally discover trashcan punch and Sukhothai in college - it's a local "Thai" place near your school where you can get A LOT of questionable Thai food for like $5 - you're in for an awakening. (Just ignore the cockroaches. It's fine, they don't wind up adversely affecting you.) When you get married and comfortable it's going to get even more rocky re: body fat %, but it will get better. You will figure it out eventually, but it would be helpful if you could build a healthy foundation now. You're not always gonna have the metabolism of a teenager and soccer every week to burn off any excess calories from all the times you slurp a shake from Steak 'n Shake and mess with the sign out front. That is, once you finally snap out of this 500 calorie/day business.

Also, you definitely won't remember who the hottest girl in school is when you're my age, and neither will anyone else. That one guy who looks like a serial killer winds up in jail, though. Not for serial killing, but still.

Also, your glasses are cute and will be totally in style in just a few years. Rock 'em and don't listen to your brothers. They're just being dicks. 

You at almost 30

P.S. I don't want to spoil too much, but you wind up getting divorced. Since you tend not to date/marry total doucheknobs (except that guy you're about to date in a couple of months - he's funny, but he's a real asshole to everyone. Open your eyes and you'll see it, and definitely don't let him touch your boobs), it's actually pretty easy and amicable. Great job. In the next letter we'll talk more about who you should and should not allow boob access. Ta ta for now. (Get it? Tatas? You are and always will be hilarious with zings like that.)

It's really their fault for having their sign on the ground.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015


I used to eat breakfast on the go. And by that, I mean I was too rushed in the morning to consider cooking anything at home, so I'd have some meal-prepped quichelettes that I'd grab from the freezer and eat when I got to work. I barely had time to pour a cup of coffee, and forget it if I had to actually brew the coffee like some sort of servant. 

Now I have a spaceship coffee maker that I can set to brew ahead of time. Tangent: This was a recent purchase because I've lain to rest no fewer than three coffee makers over the past two years. It has not been a good time in my life for small kitchen appliances or knee injuries (RIP 90s electric can opener).

Now I usually fry 2 eggs while I'm getting coffee, feeding my dog and packing my lunch. If I just let 'em go, the timing usually works out so they're done when I'm done with all that. I love starting my day with a tall glass of efficiency. Recently I started to get weird with it and I scrambled two eggs and added cottage cheese.

Y'all. That's what I wanted to tell you about. Scramble those mofos up - it takes a little extra time because you actually have to stand there over the stove (barefoot and pregnant not required), but it generally cooks faster than frying so it's NBD. Then add 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese. Total macros: 210 calories/6c/10f/23p. All that protein keeps me full for longer (gotta prot), so I usually skip second breakfast and go straight into first lunch at around 11am. 

I know it sounds a little questionable, but trust. It's good. Try it.

I woke up like this.

Monday, August 24, 2015

It happens

It's been almost a month since I've exercised (until yesterday) because my knee hurts and that's a really good excuse to sit around and eat ice cream until it feels better. The thing is, it hasn't really ever stopped hurting since surgery. Honestly, it hasn't stopped hurting since my first ACL surgery 2 years ago. So why did I stop all of a sudden? I don't know. Life gets busy I guess, and it just sort of got to me and I got lazy and it got easier and easier to skip workouts.

Sound familiar? It happens. You gotta stay on your game even when you try to trick your own damn self out of it. I'm a little limited while my knee is (hopefully) healing for real this time, so I got this nifty lil piece of magic for my bike called a mag trainer that makes it so I can ride inside. Thataway I don't leave my kid home alone while I train, because I'm an A+ parent. He's very excited that he gets the treadmill all to himself now. We exercised together yesterday and it was just as cute as you think it was.

I kept it light on muh knee with 20 minutes on the bike and 30 push-ups so I can build from there. I'm gonna do 30 push-ups with every workout for the next month because I can't be Lord Swoledemort for Halloween without some pumped biceps. Why 30? WHY NOT 30.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Post PRP

I did a PRP injection a couple of days ago to see if I can avoid a third knee surgery, because it's just getting kind of ridiculous at this point. Plus, if it didn't repair my meniscus the last time, why am I gonna eagerly jump under the knife again? Uhnothankyou. Ima try some science first.

I'm no scientist (despite how much I love it), so if you're a PRP guru and you spot something incorrect here, let me know. Basically, they sucked blood out of my arm with an XL syringe. I didn't take pictures, you're welcome. Then they put that blood in a machine that spun out the red blood cells and kept the platelets and plasma, to make it Platelet Rich Plasma. (Aha! That's the thing it's called!) It filled a syringe that was much smaller, only about 4cc's of liquid. THEN they pulled a reverse-vampire and put it back in me, in my knee. So here's the thing, they numbed the skin so I didn't feel the needle stick from the injections, until there was one spot (okay, two spots) where he had to go much deeper (uh, twss), past where the numbing meds stopped providing their magic. Y'all. I thought I was going to break the table I gripped it so hard and suddenly. That shit HURT.

But not as bad as knee surgery. It's all about perspective.

My knee was a different kind of painful afterwards than it was when I went in - full and generally tender all over - but I could walk on it. I gimped out of there and went to get some Tylenol for the pain - no NSAIDs allowed because the inflammation is part of the healing - where I invited the most terrifying karma by parking in the pregnant lady parking spot when I am not, in fact, a pregnant lady. It was just so close to the door and walking was a bit of a challenge and it's not like it was a peak time or anything and now I'm rambling because I don't want to get pregnant and I'm not ready to adopt an abstinence-only lifestyle. 


After I got my Kroger brand extra strength acetaminophen, I went home and iced it with my bitchin' ice pack from knee surgery. I have two, so I whammed with one and then I bammed with the other while I only sort of enjoyed the Kroger brand piece of chocolate cake I also bought, and then before I knew it, it was time to pick up my kid from daycare and I had to mom for the rest of the night. The pain from the injection made me grumpy and stiff for the rest of the evening, but the following day it was a lot better and I was more pleasant to be around. I mean, still not totally pleasant. I'm always an asshole, just sometimes moreso than other times.

It's the one to the left, to the left.
It's barely even noticeably swole.
Which is coincidentally also what people say about my biceps.
Womp wommmmmmp.

Here's hoping the science behind it is sound and my body will heal itself. It happens slowly over a few weeks, so it should steadily start feeling better and better over about a month, when we will assess whether or not a second PRP injection or prolotherapy is needed. Here's an article about it. And here's another one, in case you're interested. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

PRP 4 me. (That was lame, sorry.)

Today's the day.

Knee pain is overall pretty lamesauce, but it could be worse. I'm hoping my witch doctor will fix me right up, I'm ready for it to stop hurting. I have a PRP injection scheduled to, fingers crossed, avoid being cut open for a third time in the same spot. It stands for platelet rich plasma, and the internet says it can heal menisci non-surgically. The internet never lies.

More to come on that after it happens. My appointment is at noon and then I have the afternoon off just in case the shit hits the fan to rest, play Lego Star Wars (I might be addicted) and have the cabana boy fan me with a giant leaf. 

It's been a fine line of really awesome and really lame over the past few weeks since the tri. I haven't worked out at all. I've lost motivation since I don't have a race forcing me to train. Plus, my knee fuggin hurts. That's just real talk comin' atcha. I'm hoping this PRP business will help and kick me into gear a little bitskies. I gotta get a little relief so I can get back to business. It's either that, or I start working on my winter bod.

On the plus side, it's been a nice break. I always have clean sports bras, so that's something new. I generally don't have to worry about smelling like a locker room because I'm not in one every day. I get to run errands or go out to eat at lunch instead of hitting the gym every day, which actually just turns into me working through lunch sitting at my desk eating food I brought most days.

Who can afford to eat out every day, macro or money-wise? Ain't no room in my calories or budget for a daily chipotle chicken burrito bowl with brown rice, black beans, fajita veggies, pico, hot salsa, corn salsa, lil bit o' cheese and guac. Not that a girl can't dream salivate about it.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Sticky Buns

I remember one time in 8th grade, my Spanish teacher, who I'm Facebook friends with now because that's life in 2015, tackled a gnarly tangle in my hair in front of the whole class. She wasn't doing it to be mean, she genuinely wanted to help so I sat there and let her pull and prod until my hair was tangle-free while my face burned roja. 

Fast forward 16 years to Saturday when I got gorilla glue in my hair and my Spanish teacher wasn't there to help me. All I wanted was to fix my flaccid window.

And after all that, it's still just hanging there all limp.

Y'all remember when I installed those screens? The tape I used to create the grid got a little...disappointing in one part. It's okay, it happens. No reason to let it go untreated. Gorilla glue to the "rescue". 

I got my trusty tool belt, propped my ladder up and taught my kid to call 911 on my phone in case I fell, to which he said, "Mommy, just don't fall." Obviously. Here's the thing, I didn't want to take the whole screen off to fix it. I was hoping that I could just glue it and hold it up there since that tape stuff is super light. Wrong. But I didn't know that, so I went for it. I climbed up, wiped the surface clean and stuck the glue on. I held it there for a solid minute or two while I watched my kid play in the grass from the roof. I turned to put my glue back in my tool belt and let go of it, and it immediately flopped down into my messy bun. 

I mean, what the shit, gorilla glue. Isn't it supposed to be the end-all-be-all of glue? Thanks for nothing.

I cursed loudly enough for my kid to look up but loudly enough for him to know whether I said the F word or the shit word. Or the motherFUCKGODDAMMIT word. (It was the last one.) I left the roof and my limp window to deal with my sticky hair. (Heh.)

Turns out gorilla glue dries super fast on hair. Awesome. After a Google search and going to 3 stores, I returned with a hot oil treatment. It helped a little bit and made the rest of my hair super soft as a sweet side effect. Today I'll rock a Nerky Bun and try hot oil again to get the rest of it out. If that doesn't work, I'll have to call my 8th grade Spanish teacher. 

As far as the window goes, I'll have to take the whole screen off to glue it back together and clamp it properly. That's the only part that has come loose, so overall I'm happy with the tape I used for the grid.

And that, kids, is what we call a turnt up weekend.

Friday, August 14, 2015

No running long?

I've spent the last 2-3 weeks coming home from work tired and playing Lego Star Wars on my Wii while my kid dumps cheez-its in my mouth, because I'm on top of my fitness. And my parenting. 

I haven't exercised since the triathlon, and I'm not gonna lie, it's been pretty nice to take a break. Not having to pack a gym bag, having minimal laundry and not messing up my hair and makeup midday is pretty boss, but I have to get back into it. I miss it like a kid at fat camp misses cake. 

As far as my bum knee goes, my doctor prescribed NO running and NO heels, and definitely NO running IN heels, for the next 4-6 weeks while I try going to a witch doctor to heal my meniscus non-surgically. I may have to make another deal with the devil, but that's cool. I'll just add it to my tab.

That doesn't mean I can't bike, swim or do weights, though. He encouraged that, actually, to build strength, so I'm gonna bike, swim and lift my lil heart out because goddammit I'm a good listener.