Monday, August 25, 2014

How I eat

How I eat: I stab some food, put my fork up to my mouth, deposit food, chew, swallow, repeat. My kid has a different idea of how eating works. It's called "bitch and moan until mom gets mean and threatens time-out over and over until you cry and she makes you eat your food anyway". It's great, really fun. Who knew almost-three year olds were so stubborn?

I digress.

I eat small amounts every 2-3 hours. Usually first breakfast is around 8:30 when I get to work, unless I worked out in the morning. It's always something super protein-y like a shake or a couple of quichelets. And coffee, because duh. If I worked out, I'll eat a ball to the wall and pre-workout beforehand and protein shake after. (That sentence sounded so hoss.)

Second breakfast is between 10:30-11:30 and it's usually some berries or some carrots and hummus. Maybe a HB egg and/or half an avocado. Something light like that. I'm always looking for new snackidoos. I don't eat a ton because my stomach can't handle it right before a workout, which happens at noonish. Sometimes later depending on my work schedule.

After workout I eat at around 1-1:30 - something high in protein and it's usually delicious leftovers from dinner because don't nobody want a soggy sammich every day. Today I have turkey meatloaf and it's pretty legit. (Recipe to come, betch.) I also like taking frozen veggie burgers, just the patties (no buns, hun), because the're supah easy and high in prot. (Gotta prot, bro.) I like almost all of the flavors of both Boca and Morningstar Farms, and with a little hot sauce, they're a pretty solid meal.

Then at around 2-3 I'm craving some chokit. Hard. I like the mint chocolate chip flavored gum from Extra for cravings like this, but honestly sometimes I just eat some damn chocolate, or at least something sweet like a banana and almond butter. Sometimes I make iced coffee too because it's the elixir of life.

At 4-4:30 I eat some veggies. Today it's sweet potatoes and green beans, but I make broccoli, carrots, squash, etc. Whatever's on sale at the store I bake or steam a shit ton of it, portion it out and eat it all week.

Alllllllll day long at work I'm drinking water. No cokes. No juice. Water. 80-100oz/day. It keeps you full and is super good for you, it's a total no brainer. I eat a lot of protein to keep me full as well. 

For dinner, I usually cook once or twice a week and then eat leftovers. Last week I made some fish tacos with baked salmon fish sticks and tequila lime slaw that were the bomb diggity. As much as I'd love to claim this recipe as my own creation, it's pretty perfect as is and I didn't change a single thing when I made it. The only thing I would change for the future is I'd skip the sauce for the slaw and use the sauce from the fish sticks in the slaw. 

Night time snacking is my biggest downfall. (Sista has the munchies.) I have to shut the kitchen down after dinner - lights off, teeth brushed, absolutely no mustard and onion pretzel pieces and/or cookies and/or cheezits. 50% of the time, it works every time. I guess that's why I don't have abs yet. We all have things we need to work on, amiright? But seriously, if you haven't had mustard and onion pretzel pieces, don't. Those bastards are deliciously addicting. Delicting.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Just, I dunno, stop being a jerk about it

I got tagged in an ice bucket challenge video over a week ago. I donated money in lieu of dumping ice water on my head, albeit it was after my 24 hour window because I can't be on time for anything, ever. 

Maybe I'm just not as big of an asshole as the rest of the internet, but I'm pretty okay with the ice bucket challenge taking over all of my feeds. Some of the videos are funny, brah. Why you gotta shit in someone's koolaid? Just don't participate if you're not interested. Maybe take a break from social media for a minute until it passes, lawd knows we could all use that. This weird, silly, viral brouhaha is raising tons of money and awareness for a disease a lot of people know little or nothing about, so that's pretty radtastic. I definitely learned something after googling it. 

No, millions (thousands? hundreds? whatever.) of people dumping ice water on their heads will probably not cure ALS. Yes, this challenge panders to our narcissism. Overall, I'd say it does more good than bad, though. Where does the money raised actually go? Depends on the charity you choose to donate to, I suppose. You can see how money was spent in 2013 for the ALSA HERE.

And you can watch Tom Hiddleston's abs here:

Or watch here.

Yeah. I'd say I'm pretty okay with the ice bucket challenge as a whole.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Sundays (and a propeller tutorial!)

On Sundays I keep myself busy. My son goes to his dad's house in the morning and I have allllll day to be sad and lonely about it, so I try to keep my mind off of it. I workout, run errands and do house projects.

Y'all, I'm really proud to own my own property. How many single parents in their twenties can say that? Fuck a buncha paying rent, this betch has a mortgage. I totes maximize it by painting the walls bright colors, doing bitchin' murals for my kid and hanging geek-girl art on the walls because I can and I don't need no permission from any man. (z-snap)

A couple of Sundays ago I painted a car/plane mural in my kid's room, then my manfriend added a real propeller to the airplane I painted. I legit have to give him all of the credit for it. I texted him asking if it was possible to make a 3D spinning propeller for the plane because I thought it would look neat, and next thang I know he's at my house with some wood (heyyyyy) and some tools. 

And now it's time for an oddly specific tutorial: How to create a spinning propeller for a muralized biplane. 

Step one: Draw out your propeller design and start shaping the wood with a dremel. Once it's shaped, sand it smooth like buttah.

Yer gonna get messy.

You'll also need to drill a hole in the center (not pictured, see step 3)

Step two: Paint. Once it's painted, spray it with polyurethane to seal it.

Check out that sweet straight line.
Bitches love straight lines.

Step three: Assemble your hanging apparatus for cheap/free. Find a cheap pen and a marker you likely stole from a hotel room. You'll need the outer casing of each cut to the length of the hole in the propeller. You need a pen because it will fit perfectly around a screw and allow the propeller to rotate within the marker casing, which is slightly larger. Does that make sense? No? Let's look at pictures.

The pen is the teensy white piece (about 1/2"-3/4" long) right next to the screw.

The marker piece is glued in the hole that we he drilled in the center of the propeller, creating a smooth surface for rotation. The piece of the pen goes on the outside of the screw and fits inside the hole, that way the propeller will be securely affixed to the wall while still allowing for rotation. 

The other washer is on the back so it spins smoothly once attached to the wall.

Step four: Hang that ish up and eat some lunch. You deserve it. Don't forget to put one of those plastic thingies (thingys?) in the wall unless you drill it into a stud. (The wall kind, not the man kind. That would be gross, he'd bleed all over it.)

My kid loves spinning it.

A look at the rest of his room:

Two bright accent walls and a lot of toddler accessories.
I can't help it that he can rock a fedora better than anyone I know.

That Batmobed, tho.

I saw the Batmobile bed on Pinterest and was super bummed and disappointed in myself that I didn't think of it first since I already have a racecar bed. Spray paint the bed black, paint the bat symbol, spray to seal. It's really that easy.

I painted the car forever ago and finally added in the background.

Boom, nailed it.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Frisky Friday: What to do when you have a last minute date and you haven't showered in three days

(Catchy title.)

You weren't planning on seeing anyone after work today. Your legs, pits and coochie are hairier than you'd prefer anyone to get up close and personal with. You stank. You can get away with dry shampoo for work, but do you want somebody biting your ear up in that rat's nest? No way.

So what do you do? 

Going to the gym on your lunch hour has never been a better idea. Not only do you get your workout in so you're tight as a tiger, but you also get to shower-power. Say a mini prayer/thank you to Stormtrooper Jesus for that coupon for a free razor you got last year so you threw your old razor in your gym bag. AT LEAST shave your pits and legs, at least. Be sure to wash that nasty ass hair, even though you're gonna have to blow dry it and you left your flat iron at home.

Once you get out of the shower, blow dry your hair on the cool setting because you're still hot from your workout and the shower. Did you forget that you don't have an actual brush in your gym bag? (Shit.) Make a mental note to throw one in there, or at the very least a comb. You're gonna have to use your fingers today. (twss?) 

Get dressed, fix your make-up. Go back to work. Race home at 5pm on the dot to figure out your hair sitch. Decide you don't have time to do anything to it and think about wearing something that will draw his attention elsewhere.

But what?

Depends on your activity, doesn't it? If it's a low key evening, like, for instance, this very real situation that happened to me (last Friday), then roll with yoga pants. He's not even gonna notice your lackluster hair with your donk front and center. Plus, it works out because your "date" is actually taking your kid to his house to play with his kids while y'all cook dinner and drink wine in the kitchen, except that, unbeknownst to you, your kid ate something unsettling earlier in the day, so when you go to see why he's crying, he leans his head back suddenly and voms ALL OVER you, your unkempt hair and your yoga pants. (And the couch. And the floor.)

It's a good thing you went to all that trouble showering and shaving earlier.

Pro tip: Find a man who is unfazed by projectile vom all over you and his couch the very first time you go to his house. It's probably because you wore yoga pants. (My kid is fine - it was just something he ate.)

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Things I don't understand

Do you ever sit and ponder about your sick gains? Me too. I also ponder other things, like:

Why is Cracklin' Oat Bran so expensive? All I want in the world is to have those morsels of bran goodness inside me without taking out a second mortgage.

How lamesauce it is when I'm not sore after a workout. I did workout, right? I remember sweating. I remember my sassy gym tank top and coordinating sports bra. Why aren't I sore? It's like it never happened and that is UNACCEPTABLE. I want my workouts to burn count.

When {insert animal} pees on freshly cleaned floor. My dog is old and I don't mop my floor that often, there. Whatever, priorities. It never fails that when I do mop and feel accomplished after cleaning my house (like a woman should), I'll go to bed and wake up the next morning to a puddle of "I'm an old dog and I can't hold it for that long, please don't hate me" pee right on the freshly cleaned floor. THANKS OBAMA.

Adobe InDesign. Eat a bag of dicks, InDesign. Why you gotta be so persnickety? 

Why people say, "It's been a minute..." More than likely, whatever you're talking about happened LONGER THAN A MINUTE AGO. (Maybe it happened 525,600 minutes ago.) Be specific. Unless, of course, you are using the phrase literally. "It's been a minute since I typed that I don't get why people say, 'It's been a minute...'."

How people spell my name wrong (and it's written right in front of them). My name is Meghan. With an H. My mama put it there for a reason and I intend to use it. I get that there's a thousand variations of the name, and you can spell it incorrectly all day long and I won't be offended. However, if it's right in front of you, say like in my email address, Facebook, business card, etc., do me a solid and spell it correctly. It's RIGHT THERE.

Why do people wear Converse at the gym? Why is this a thing? (After Googling) Oh, I get it I guess. I still think it's weird, but more power to you. RECANTED. 

Why the terrible parts of 90s fashion are back. Acid washed high waisted jorts didn't look good back then either. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

Healthy snacks for the spawn

As far as my kid is concerned, there are three food groups: chicken nuggets, apple juice and fruit snacks. The thing is, mama don't play that. (SOMETIMES mama plays that when mama is too tired to fight about it.) Sometimes we sit at the table for over an hour waiting on him to finish his food. It's neat. Really fun. Totally not frustrating or anything. When I cook something new, the only rule is that he HAS to try it. He doesn't have to eat more than one bite if he doesn't want to. This works out well because he will think he hates it and not eat anymore, but then he'll ask for it a few days later. This happened most recently with turkey meatloaf. I just need to work on my patience.

The kid loves fruit, thank goodness. Vegetables? LOLNOPE. Won't touch em. Unless I make cauliflower pizza crust and don't tell him like the tricksy hobitses I am. (Minus the hairy feet.) THIS is the recipe I use, only I triple the garlic and add rosemary, and it's pretty rad - bake the crust until it's done, then add your toppings and put it back in the oven just to heat it and melt the cheese.

I've had to search over the river and through the woods for healthyish snack he'll eat, aside from fruit. Homeboy can put away some berries and he loves applesauce and yogurt, but he also likes cheetos and ice cream (duh, who doesn't). Here's what I've found that he noms on the reg:

Outshine Fruit & Veggie Bars are craze-amaze, y'all. Pictured is the apple and greens flavor, but the blueberry/beets is my fave. Tangerine/carrot is also friggin' delish. At 60 calories a pop(sicle) you can't lose. My kid begs for them, little does he know he's eating vegetables, muahaha. You can only get the apple/greens flavor at Target, but the other two are sold at Tom Thumb and Kroger and probably other places. 

Worth noting: the last time I ate one of these I had a headache, and by the time I was done with the popsicle my headache had subsided. I'm not saying they're magical, but all signs point to unicorn dreams as the secret ingredient.

Lentil Snaps are my new favorite "chips" made out of green peas, you just have to be careful and not eat the whole bag. They are SO GOOD and they have more than double the protein and fiber (gotta prot, bro) of regular potato chips and WAY less fat and sodium. The onion thyme flavor and caesar flavors tie for mine and my kid's faves. Buy 'em at Sprouts or Target.

Eat Your Vegetables chips are so. frickin'. good. They taste like regular chips, except there's that added bonus of getting a full serving of veggies with every ounce. The kid loves 'em. The sea salt is the best flava-flav IMO, but the only other one I've had is jalapeno. Buy 'em at Sprouts, Costco, Kroger, etc.

He also likes my "yummy balls" (heh):

They're sweet but also packed with protein so they keep you full longer, plus they give you energy (which is good for me because that little booger is ALL over the place ALL the time). What do y'all trick your kids into eating give your kids as snacks?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Wait so does bass mean butt?

Or click HERE for the video.

Then what is treble? I feel old.

I guess I'm all about that bass, too. That's why I eat healthily and do squats. I suppose it's all about how you look at it. 

In other news, Samantha Marie - you won the Target giftcard for your random act of kindness! Thanks to everyone who entered, doesn't it feel nice to brighten someone's day? Samantha, email me at meg(at)nerkyblog(dot)com!