Friday, October 17, 2014

Frisky Friday: When is it okay?

It's been a long time since I've been in the beginning stages of a relationship, and with it comes certain benefits. (Eyebrow waggle.) For one, we still like each other. It's nice to have someone to do stuff with, like when I need a plus one for brunch. (Because I'm a career-minded twenty-something that totally brunches now.) It's also nice to have someone to text all day and bounce ideas and silly stories off of. Of course I have friends for that, but it's a different dynamic. The thing is, at what point can you ask certain questions? We've established that we are, in fact, a thing, as in exclusively dating each other, sooooo when can I ask for his HBO Go login?

I mean, Game of Thrones, right?

Is it a certain amount of time that passes or number of dates? And at what point is asking for his wifi password when I'm at his place okay? It's just that I could Instagram my meals so. much. faster. This guy has already cleaned up my kid's vom, so surely we're at the point when connecting to each other's wifi isn't weird. (Not even a euphemism.)


These are real first world issues, guys.

Monday, October 13, 2014

It's been over a week

since I've been to the gym. I hurt my knee in the Tough Mudder, and I'm going to listen to my body and rest (for once) until it stops aching and the swelling goes away. I'm afraid it's FUBAR since I didn't let it heal right after surgery, so now I'm just walking on eggshells trying not to make it worse. Aside from my knee hurting, it's been preeeeeetty rad, not even gonna lie. Turns out I needed a physical AND mental break. While it's been nice not having to pack my gym bag every day, remember my pre-workout or have double the laundry, I am stoked to get back to it. Gotta get swole, bro. Actually it's more like, gotta lean out, bro. I'm starting to miss it as part of my routine.


Because I didn't have to worry about hitting the gym yesterday and my kiddo was at his dad's house, I had plenty of time to get all of my housework done, answer emails and I even baked a cheesecake in the likeness of George Lucas. And by that, I mean I accidentally wasted my entire afternoon watching Breaking Dawn part 1 from start to finish on tv, commercials and all. I don't know how it happened. One minute I'm roasting sriracha lime pumpkin seeds (SO GOOD) and the next I'm parked on the couch watching Bella's RIJSF (resting I just sharted face) for like 3 hours. It's embarrassing and I am ashamed. And once it was over? I watched the second half of The Devil Wears Prada with commercials. This is a movie I own. What the actual fuck. (Sidenote: I love Emily Blunt's character.)

Anyway, my point is it's been over a week since I've worked out and my size 4s still fit. Slowly I'm learning that I won't balloon back up to 200 pounds if I miss a gym sesh, not that I want to make it a habit. These abs aren't gonna grow themselves.

My other point is I just recently got cable after not having it for years and years and clearly I need to reevaluate my life choices. The Walking Dead tho, amiright?

Friday, October 10, 2014

Frisky Friday: Tough Mudder Plus One

To close out Tough Mudder week, we need to talk about arguably the most important part. The end. The part where you shower and it's the third most glorious thing you do that day. The first, of course, being finishing the race and the second coming (in your mouth) next. And by that, I mean the cheeseburger you inhale sitting on the couch, pantsless.

No pants are the best pants, amiright?

For this to occur, you need a person willing to go out to a real restaurant and procure a cheeseburger for you. I'm not talking fast food. You've worked TOO HARD to waste your energy on that noise. You deserve better, by golly. Drive-thrus are beneath you, ain't nobody got time for sloppy form and subpar flavor. Bonus points if your person also brings sides, because at a real burger restaurant you have to order those separately. Skipping fries is perfectly normal on a regular day. Today? You go on witcho bad self.

Extra bonus points if they also bring wine. Oh you fancy.

Extra extra bonus points if they also go out in the morning and get you donuts. (They were pumpkin spice because PUMPKIN ALL THE THINGS. I ain't even mad, they were delicious.)

This is the first time in my life I've experienced the post-race trifecta of burger+sides (jalapeno poppers, to be specific. MUH FAVE), celebratory wine and donuts the next morning without having to lift a damn finger. (My manfriend is the tits, obvi.) It was amazeballs and I definitely recommend it as a post race ritual. Ice bath, shmice bath. Gimme food.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Tough Mudder Part 2 - Tips

Are you gonna do a Tough Mudder? I'm definitely glad I did it and I now have the headband and shirt to prove it. I don't feel like I need to do another one, but I may change my mind once I forget about how much my knee hurts. And once I figure out how to handle my asshole stomach. I have a few tips (just the tip) for future mudders. Or read Part 1 first - the story.

Numero uno: Once you decide you're going to do it, buy your race entry. They increase the price every coupla months and it's already hella expensive. They're gonna nickel and dime you for everything, too. Parking and bag drop were both additional fees not included in race admission. Spectators also have to pay to get in.

Numero dos: TRAIN IN THE RIGHT TERRAIN. This was a HUGE oversight on my part. I was all, pffffft I'm a runner. 10-12 miles ain't no thang but a chicken wang. Once I started running those hills I was wheezing a different tune. I should have done way more trail runs than I did (um, zero) and increased the incline a lot more when I used the dreadmill. 

But it's not just about running. A lot of the obstacles required upper body strength, like climbing the side of a 20 foot cliff, monkey bars, rope climb, etc. I put in a lot of work on my back and triceps and I wish I would have done more about my teensy biceps, although I didn't have an issue completing most of the obstacles with the work I put in. I just wish my arms were a scotche more swole, yanno? I still found the running to be far more difficult than all of the obstacles, though.

Numero Tres: Wear clothes you don't mind losing or tearing, and make sure they are fairly tight and don't lose their shape when wet. I lost my bandana and my cotton shirt, which was just as well because it got really heavy every time I got wet or muddy. The flip side is that I wore that shirt because I was okay with ruining it. Still - I'd advise against cotton. Also, definitely don't wear your brand new Nike Frees because they're gonna get super gross.



The Point
The point of the whole race is to complete it as a team. It's not timed and a lot of the obstacles would be damn near impossible to complete on your own. Everyone helped everyone and the spirit of the whole race overall was warm and fuzzy (and a little pukey).

The Obstacles
There were the obstacles you would expect - climbing high walls/bales of hay/cliffs, crawling under barbed wire, rope climbs, etc. You know going in that you're gonna have to tackle those, so no biggie. I'm so glad my brother was there to give me a leg up on some of the tall ones. One set of walls we had to scale were actually angled toward you, so gravity made those suckers a big bitch. Happily, it was one of the first obstacles so we all had plenty of strength. The other set of walls (Berlin Walls, if you're familiar with obstacle names) were MUCH taller and over half way through the race, although I'm not sure which was harder.

Arctic Enema


I was nervous about it - a pool of frigid water you jump in, swim under a divider in the middle and climb out. It's like ripping a bandaid off - you just have to jump in. It was a bit nippy. And by that, I mean it was so cold I couldn't catch my breath. I'm talking arctic. I had to focus all of my energy on breathing out my nose while swimming under the divider so I didn't involuntarily inhale while trying to catch my breath. Also worth noting, the water isn't clear. Not that you'd want to open your eyes in it anyway, but you also can't see what's ahead of or below you. Afterwards though, I was damn sure awake. It gave me the kick I needed to git 'r done.

Funky Monkey


It's like monkey bars on steroids. You have to have back and shoulder strength and stubbornness to get through it. Y'all, when I got all the way across I legit felt like a ninja warrior. The monkey bars don't go straight across the pit of water, they incline for the first half and descend back down for the second half. Don't nobody want to be the one that splashes into the water, right? Don't worry, I got my chance to fall off an obstacle later. This one, though? Nailed it.

Balls to the Wall


This was probably my favorite one because I felt strong and powerful, completing it in record time. You use a rope to climb up and over a 12' wall. The trick is to use your leg strength to push off just as much as your arm strength to pull yourself up.

Trench Warfare


It was one of my least favorites. You crawl into a trench that's pitch black. You can't see your hand in front of your face, and you push forward until you see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's terrifyingly claustrophobic. You just have to trust that you'll get through to the end and you'll see the sun again one day. Not particularly difficult, just a mindfuck.

Pole Dancer


This is where I bit it. You're supposed to balance on the two poles to get across the mud pit. It was actually inverted from this picture - first you had the incline, then you came back down and it was all above the water. I approached it all wrong - it was late in the race and my strength was sapped. Instead of trying to get across with just my arms, I should have climbed on top and balanced with my arms and legs. The more you know.

Mud Mile


Impossible without help. For the Dallas race, this was all in a trench. The pits were about 3-4' deep with muddy water. The peaks are at least 2' out of the water and slicker'n greased snot (dad phrase).You get a leg up, grab for an arm of someone who's already at the top, and they use their body weight to pull up up as they slide down into the next pit.

Walk the Plank


Little known fact about me, I'm not super enthused about heights. Not a whole lot to this one except a mental barrier. It's about 15' (ish?) above the pool of water and I was so tired at this point that I forgot to be afraid. Plus, they don't give you time to be scared. (YOLO bitchessssss *splash*)

Lumberjacked


The pole was about 5' in the air and was so slippery because it was right after Walk the Plank. Once I got up on it, I carefully turned and balanced myself, then crashed down to the ground, landing hard on my back. I don't have any pointers on this one, other than to be careful. It hurt.

Kiss of Mud


Crawling under barbed wire. The bigger you are, the more difficult this will be to not get snagged.

Everest


It's half of a half pipe (a quarter pipe?), only you have to run up to the top instead of using your momentum on a skateboard. (Fact: I wish I was good at skateboarding.) It was one of the last obstacles and there were people at the top leaning over so you could grab their hands. I made it up to grab the edge with my fingertips and slipped. As I was falling, a guy reached down lightning fast and grabbed my hand. It was like a movie.

Electroshock Therapy


For whatever reason, I didn't even consider beforehand that this would be painful or dangerous. My logic was that they wouldn't be allowed to have it as an obstacle if it were that bad. It does hurt though. Best plan - run straight through. You are SO CLOSE to being done at this point, don't waste time crawling under the wires that will probably get you at some point anyway. Dodge the ones you can and use your momentum to power through the rest. I didn't get hit until I was about 80% through - and all of a sudden I was on the ground.

Like I said, there were lots of additional obstacles that you know you're going to have to do going in - water stuff, climbing stuff, lifting stuff. You definitely have to train - I wouldn't suggest this race as your foray into fitness. Do you have any Tough Mudder stories? Any other questions? Comment or email me at meg(at)nerkyblog(dot)com!

All pictures in this post with the exception of lil ol' me are from the Tough Mudder website. Pffft like you could even take a non-GoPro camera with you for this race. No selfies for you.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Tough Mudder - Part 1

We're gonna have Tough Mudder Week since it was so insane in the membrane. This is part one, the story.

I signed up for the race with my brother and two of his tall, muscular friends. That was my bad. I'd love to say that I'm a superhero and I finished the race strong and powerful, but honestly doing the race with them made me feel weak. After every obstacle, they exploded into a run to the next, averaging what I would guess is about 8.5-9 minutes/mile. Ima be real with y'all. Anything over 5 miles I'm definitely more in the 10 minute/mile range, and the greater the distance, the slower my pace becomes. I spent a lot of energy in the first couple of miles keeping pace with them and it drained me, for serious.


They're all married, calm your tits.

It doesn't help that I can't eat much before exercising due to my asshole stomach. You have to have some fuel in the tank going into a strenuous race like this. I was running on fumes and seeing stars at mile 3. That's 3 out of 11. Shit. This was the first time I had to walk for a while. Yanno, because shitting my pants and passing out this early in the race would have been less than ideal. They met me at the next obstacle which is the first time I lost some of my clothing. Tequila doesn't make your clothes fall off, Tough Mudder does. It was the Arctic Enema, which sounds worse than it was, but we'll get to that tomorrow. I jumped in to the frigid water and emerged negative one bandana and hair tie. Pigtails shmigtails, at least I didn't shit myself. Yet.

When I say 3 miles, I don't mean 3 miles on a comfortable sidewalk with minimal to no incline/elevation and a jammin' running playlist in your ears. I mean 3 miles on a trail with steep hills, some of which you had to use your hands to climb up. HOW were my brother and friends averaging 9 minutes/mile here? Obviously they are superhuman. Someone please do some science on them to clone their abilities.

Pre-Race bro hug. Literally.
Note to the world: You don't have to stoop over when in pictures with me. Just something I've noticed.

It was at around mile 7-8 that I lost my shirt. My race bib and wristband were long gone, snagged on some obstacle. My shirt had ripped early in the race on some barbed wire we had to army crawl under. The tear lengthened at some point and I felt the two flaps of my soaking wet shirt slapping my skin as I ran, so I ditched it. I learned that all it takes are miserable conditions and the hope of a cheeseburger in my near future for me to be 100% okay with running in just a sports bra.

Every time I started to see stars again, I had to walk. I ran/walked between each obstacle to about mile 8-9, meeting my brother and friends at each one. At mile 9 I couldn't anymore. I had to walk. I was seeing stars constantly and it took every ounce of my being to keep my mind over matter. Pretty sure this is not what they mean when they say empty stomach cardio. 

Honestly, most people were walking almost the whole thing. I clung to that shred of truth every time I started to feel weak compared to my brother and company. It's not fair to myself to compare. The point is, we all completed all the obstacles (no skipping!) and we all finished the race. Right after getting electrocuted. 

Yes, electrocuted.

They tell you that going in. I knew it was coming. Everyone knew it was coming. I don't think I realized just how intense it was going to be, though. I was thinking, oh maybe a little zap. Sounds totes funsies. I was so wrong. Those shocks lay. you. out. There was a long line of people as we came up to the obstacle because everyone was apprehensive about it. This one had an announcer guy on a microphone commenting (and laughing like a HUGE BUTTFACE) on everyone getting shocked. He yelled out to the line of people asking if there was anyone who would just run straight through instead of crawl carefully under the high voltage dangling wire. My brother, friends and I pushed our way to the front and straight up went for it. This is one of the only times I had the size advantage. I shimmied through the wires 80% of the way unscathed before getting hit, then smacking the ground immediately. I was so disoriented by it that as I came back up, I got hit again, this one propelling me through the minefield to the finish line. As I dragged my leg through, I got hit one more time on the calf. But then it was over. I had finished 11 miles and 25 obstacles. I needed a hug, a bath and some food, not necessarily in that order.

The only post-race picture I have because I was too damn tired to selfie more than once.

We crossed the finish line, guzzled 2 dixie cups of water and headed to the rinse station. Hey cool story, they were OUT OF WATER. The volunteer smiled and naively directed us to a pond about 200 yards away where we could rinse off. I wasn't even mad, I was focused. The faster I got clean, the faster I could get food. I walked as fast as I could to the pond, which I imagine was right at about negative 6 miles per hour. We "rinsed" in the murky water and grabbed our bags and hit the changing tent. This was the first place I sat down and it was just the tits. Simply fantastic. I dried off and got dressed as quickly as I could so the boys didn't have to wait on me because I'm considerate even when miserable, and met them outside. They were standing re-hashing the race and I laid down on the grass next to them. Honey badger don't give a FUCK, I was so tired and hungry. Luckily they were nice guys and shared their almonds. (Bitches love almonds.) After laying down for a few minutes and eating a handful of almonds I felt better. Anything heavier and it would have been a vom-attack. It's a slippery slope with my asshole stomach. I exchanged my free beer coupon for a gatorade because beer was quite simply not gonna happen. It's important to know your limits. 

The cool part was that since our start time was so late (12:20pm), I was parked really far from the entrance. The other cool part was that my car wouldn't start. In an adrenaline-fueled haste, I grabbed the jumper cables in my trunk (thanks, dad!) and waved down someone that was driving by to give me a jump start. Thank goodness the battery died in a place where there were tons of people as opposed to in my lonely garage. (There's a butt joke here.) So now I'm an hour from home, have less than 1/4 tank of gas and need to buy a new battery before I turn my engine off. Oh, and I look like a sad, abandoned, mangy dog. Cool.

I made it to get a new battery and gas, assuring the car store guy that I woke up like this. 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Money Money Money

You know what's so sexy? Managing your budget. Awwww yeah, input those debits and credits into your spreadsheet. I love a good formula. It's my favorite when you change one cell and then a bunch of other cells change, too. Except when they turn red, then it's bad news bears.

Ain't no shame in managing your money, it's real life. Contrary to popular belief, I am not, in fact, rollin' in hunnit dolla bills like most single working parents. The money tree in my back yard hasn't bloomed yet, doggone it. I can't go out and spendy-mcspend all my doll hairs on department store makeup. I buy that shit at the drug store. On sale. And I use ExtraBucks. I shop at Target and Kohl's for clothes. I don't buy stuff that isn't on sale, like ever. In fact, I'm pretty sure I would still be budget conscious if I were to be suddenly endowed with millions of dollars. (Does anyone have millions of dollars they would like to gift me to test this hypothesis? No? Worth a shot.) It's just a part of me. I track everything I spend and it's only slightly less stressful than having no idea if I'll have enough money at the end of the month to pay my cell phone bill. Or mortgage, whatever.

I may have lied. I'd totally buy a motorcycle if I suddenly came into millions of dollars. And I would get a maid. (Is that PC? Is it housekeeper like how stewardesses are now flight attendants?) And I would pay someone to install new carpet in my house instead of figuring out how to install carpet on stairs myself. Actually, I'd get hardwood and pay someone to install that. I'd also pay someone to paint my 20 foot walls. And I would go stay in one of those huts that are in the water in Fiji or Tahiti or someplace way out of my price range, which isn't difficult because my current price range is Galveston. 


All I want in the world is a clean house, a motorcycle, wood floors and a nice, neutral gray living room. And an extravagant beach vacation. It's not like I'm high maintenance. Probably most importantly, I'd make it rain on some bitches set aside money for college for my son. Then I'd get back to using my ExtraBucks for mascara and tracking it in my spreadsheet. What would you do if money were no object?

Monday, September 29, 2014

Leg Day

Leg/ass day is my favorite, because I'm all about that bass. (I'm still not 100% sure I know what that means.) In fact, I'm pretty sure the only reason I could run the half marathon I did last weekend was because I work so hard on dat ass. And dem legs. Actually, I just straight up lied. It was 90% mindset and 10% what I do in the gym. I knew I hadn't put in enough miles for that race and it was too late to fix it. I told myself I could do it and that I was strong enough, not just once, but over and over, and that's how I did it. I even PR'd. It sorta makes me wonder how fast I could have run if I would have trained better. Almost like maybe I should sign up for another one. Just kidding, that sounds awful. I'm still half-marathoned out for a while.

I digress.

It probably doesn't hurt that I workout 5-6 days a week. My problem is that I no longer have the time to do two-a-days, so I have to either do weights or run for my workout. That, to me, is a hilarious problem to have considering I used to hit the gym 0 days a week and my idea of healthy eating was saving my calories alllll day long so I could get a CrunchWrap Supreme on my way home from work. 

Let's get to the butt stuff. (If I had a nickel every time somebody said that to me.) I even made a cute little graphic with a blurry cell phone picture of my bootybutt because clearly I'm a professional.


**not actually a professional. 
Unless you mean professional BAMF.
Because, then yeah.
Totes.

That right there is my current leg/ass day workout. Please use your judgment on whether it would work for you. Dammit Jim, I'm a blogger, not a doctor.

I also always throw in abs with my workouts because I want a flat stomach real bad. Clearly not bad enough to have any self control when it comes to the banana pudding in my fridge, just bad enough to work them in between desserts. I'll post my ab workout(s) lata.