Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Ice ice baby, dun dun dun dun dadadundun

In exciting news, I've discovered the most amazing ice packs in the history of everything from physical therapy that I use daily. Y'all. If you have any sort of chronic inflammation that you ice on the reg, you NEED one of these. Seriously, they're so good.



I confessed my love for them to my physical therapist, and she informed me that you can buy them on Amazon. Shut. Up. Give me two. So I ordered two because holy shitballs, they. are. worth. it. It's the perfect amount of coldness. It velcros so that it stays put. It stays cold for a solid 30+ minutes. And it's huge - 9"x24". Totally worth every penny. Y'all, I'm so excited about my ice packs. It's called Elastogel and you can find it HERE. See for yourself. F'real.

But seriously, it's getting realio over here. Realio boring. I'm so done with this gimp knee, I can't do anything fun. The other day I was watching Chris Hemsworth have glistening, steamy relations with some ho a female that was very pretty and tan (it was in Rush, which was actually pretty good), as I sat on my couch bundled up in the pajamas that my manfriend had to help me put on, strapped in the machine that forces my leg to bend and straighten, stuffing my face with chips leaving a crumb trail of shame down my shirt. (I'm sexy and I know it.) Chris Hemsworth and friend were all tangled up in sweat lust-thrusting to the beat of the music as the gentle purr of my CPM machine kept me firmly planted in my lame reality.

5.75 months to go.

Walking in to work I race people (they don't know it) and today I totally passed this little old lady (then I spit in her face and slapped her notes out of her hand, like you do). I quit crutches (I wish I knew how to quit you) a week after surgery, same with pain meds. It feels good to be walking again, even though I hobble for a bit at first after I get up from sitting for a long time. Even though at the end of the day I'm so tired that I will give my kid anything he wants if he just goes to sleep so I can. Even though walking isn't running. Honestly, every day is a little bit better and I get stronger and stronger. This is all like déjà vu, except I feel like it's taking longer this time. But maybe I'm just impatient, it's only been 11 days. Not that anyone's counting.

Friday, November 14, 2014

So what now?

Recovery is a bitch. A big. ol'. bitch. The thing is, I still have everyday life stresses like work, paying bills and my kid, who thinks it's totally appropriate to burst into a scream/crying (scrying?) fit because I asked him to put on his socks. 

In my head: Listen, you little shit. You better get it together or I'm gonna smack you with my crutches.

What I actually said: Listen, you little shit. You better get it together or I'm gonna smack you with my crutches.

Just kidding. But seriously. Don't cross me, spawn. 

The thing I typically do to relieve stress, I can't do right now. (No, not masturbate. The other thing.) It's been over a month since I've had a decent run. It's been almost that long since I've been to the gym at all. Now that I've had surgery, at least I'm in the process of healing. While it still hurts real bad (my lips hurt real bad), I know that in a few months I'll be able to get back to running bigger better stronger faster than ever. But what do I do until then? Eat all the things? Gain all my weight back?

Fuck if I know, bro. I'm no expert, I'm just some chump that lost a bunch of weight. I do know that my arms aren't injured, they can probably still pump some iron. And I know that my abs aren't injured, they could probably still sit some ups. And I know that exercise sets my mind right. And I know I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.


So far this time it's been hella more painful. I don't know if it's because it's the second time on the same leg and my knee is all wtf, bruh NOT AGAIN, NOOOOOO! Or if it's because they repaired more in there - the ACL and both menisci. (Probably the latter.) This time I have grand plans of listening to my doc and physical therapist and not pushing my limits. Also, I definitely have to keep my diet on point since bacardio is a thing of the past and future but not the present. Cheers.

Friday, November 7, 2014

ACL Surgery - Planning and Killin' It

Today I'm rockin' another ACL repair, aw yeahhhh. It would be silly if I didn't learn from past experience. I know that it's gonna be about 4-5 days before I feel like doing much beyond sitting and poppin' pills, so I've been busting ass (which I recently learned means farting, however in this case I mean working hard) all week to prepare so that this time around, maybe I'll be able to actually rest like the doctor ordered. 

Buy and prep. I spent a small fortune on groceries last weekend to prep a bunch of healthy food to freeze and then thaw and eat. Gotta be on point with this diet game. And by diet, I of course mean food intake, not some fad diet plan I'd never consider.

All the tupperware.
All of it.

If you come to visit me, don't bring food. Bring booze and cake, obvi.

Budget to order a muhfuggin' stuffed crust pizza. Meal prep is great and all, but surgery hurts and sometimes pizza makes the hurt go away a little bit. Plus, omfg have you even had stuffed crust pizza?

Clean all the things. I did all of my laundry last night, but lezbehonest, it's probably going to stay wrinkled up in the dryer for the next week or so. (Old habits.) I washed all of my dishes, cleaned the bathrooms and made things easily accessible. Like my flats (goodbye shawty heels, I'll see you again one day).

Think ahead. Y'all, I LOVE Christmas. I always have. Putting up the tree is my favorite, and like most people, my Christmas stuff is in the attic. Unlike most people, I'm not going to be able to get up in my attic to get it down. I enlisted help getting it down and put my tree up earlier this week because I have a totally valid reason to be decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving. Not that I even need it.

I put bottles of water (I'm sorry, environment. It's just for a little while.), extra clothes and snacks near my couch so I don't have to get up too much to get stuff. Ever tried to carry anything when you're on crutches? Shit gets real. I put my toothbrush in my downstairs bathroom because stairs are life-ruiners post-ACL repair. Life. Ruiners. I also dug up my backpack to carry things around, especially when I go back to work. Stoked about crutching around my office. No, really. 

Colace. I don't know if you know this, but they give you pain medication when you have surgery. (The only reason I'm even doing it.) The thing is, taking pain meds can stop up your pipes ifyaknowwhatimean (poop). I don't need that in my life, so I'm prepared. This bottle of Colace has gotten me through a C-Section and my first ACL repair. I've built a relationship with it. (Now that I think about it, it may be expired. Whatever.)

Gas. (For my CAR.) Getting gas for my car is one of my least favorite things about being an able-bodied adult. Enter post-surgical pain, a cumbersome straight-leg brace, crutches and cold weather. NOPE. I filled up my tank to delay the inevitable for as long as possible and maybe I'll luck out and someone else will pump my gas for me when I need it. I'm merely a crippled female.


Rest. Listen, don't be jelly that I'm gonna sit on my couch and watch Star Wars all day on Saturday in machete order. Judge away, honeybadger don't give a fuck. This time around I may mix it up and follow the rehab schedule instead of getting ahead of myself, then maybe my knee will heal properly and won't hurt every time I run. I mean, maybe. Doctors probably know what they're talking about, I guess. Anywho, think happy thoughts, y'all! I'm probably currently in an anesthetized and/or pain killer stupor, just now beginning the long road to recovery. 1 day down, 179 to go!

Friday, October 31, 2014

Frisky Friday (sort of) but mostly, we have a winner!

Just real quick, I'd like to congratulate Leslie M. on Winning the Younique 3D Fiber Lashes giveaway! Leslie, please email me your address. You're gonna love it! Bummed about not winning? Before you do anything drastic, don't forget that you have until tomorrow to buy it as part of my party: Click here for the magic. (<--That's a link to my virtual party.) It really is awesome!

Halloween is one of my favorite times of year. Do you love dressing up as slutty as possible on the one day of the year it's encouraged? Of course you do. How else would everyone know you're DTF?

Listen, I'm not talking the boring ol' skimpy lingerie plus angel wings or devil horns. That's been done. Corset and cat ears? Anything with cat ears? Ehhhhh. Old news. We need something a little more unique. The competition is fierce at the Halloween ragers I frequent, so you gotta keep it fresh. Don't worry, though. After much searching I found the perfect costume:


It's topical. 
It shows a lot of skin, so it's clearly ironic and risqué. 
It's definitely not insensitive. 
Or too soon. 
Or the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
It's perfect.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Here we go again.

Nobody thought it. I finished the Tough Mudder. The next day I walked around The State Fair of Texas for a few hours. I mean, it hurt and it was swollen, but come on. The Tough Mudder was tough. It's par for the course to be in a little bit of pain the next day.

Fast forward 2 weeks of RICE-ing. Rest. Ice. Compression. Elevation. This isn't my first rodeo, I know the rules. I give running a go and I can't. I just...can't. I hobbled about a quarter mile and then had to walk home. Every strike against the pavement felt like I was being stabbed with Michonne's katana, and my leg felt unstable under my weight. I was discouraged. This was when I thought, oh shit maybe I really hurt myself. I called the doc on Monday and make an appointment for Thursday, the soonest he was available. After x-raying, he scheduled an MRI immediately and then I had to wait an entire weekend to get the results, not before they called me in urgently on Saturday morning for additional imaging. Monday I got the report, but it has a lot of medical words and dammit Jim, I'm a blogger not a doctor. One thing stood out to me in the second bullet point though. Shit.

So I stressed. I was all nerves for the rest of the day until my appointment on Tuesday. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. But it could still just be a torn cartilage, right? Maybe the radiologist read the images wrong. I walked in to the doctor thinking it's, worst case, a torn meniscus, and best case, I'm just being a whiny little betch. I wasn't even allowing the other thing to enter my mind. I couldn't. I guess I was in the denial phase.

They were running on time, thank the lawd because I couldn't take another minute. The medical assistant, who is this awesome athlete by the way, took me back and gave me some wicked hot paper shorts to put on under my dress and then I waited for the doc. He came in, did one more examination, testing the limits and range of motion and then asks me to sit up. And then he said it. "You've re-torn your ACL."

FUCK. 

Not again. Not when it's only been a year since the last time. FUCK. I asked what the odds are that it's not torn and it could be something else? Zero. Shit. Can I fix it without surgery, could it just heal up? Unfortunately not if I want to continue being active.

So here we go again. ACL surgery part deux on November 7. At least I'll get to go trick-or-treating with my kiddo in his hilariously awesome costume this weekend before being down for the count. And maybe I'll get a pedicure so at least my toes look nice sticking out of that monster leg brace. Do leg braces come in magenta? Maybe I should look into investing in a pretty one if this is going to be an annual event.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Hi, I'm an adult.

I didn't truly feel like an adult until I got divorced. It was the moment I had to go to court and stand in front of the judge and explain my (our) plan for custody arrangement for my son. I stood there nervous AF because he blatantly questioned whether or not it was a good idea. I remember wondering if I should remind him that it was my son we were talking about. I didn't, but back off brosef. I got this. 

By this point, I had done many "adult" things. Some obvious, like buying a car and a house, getting married, having a kid, and some not-so-obvious but still noteworthy like the first time I created a monthly budget or the moment I decided that I might be a scotche too old to wear neon. I still never felt like a real-life grown up. Maybe it's because my dad was always a phone call away to fix it for me or help me, but he couldn't fix my marriage. I had to handle that all by myself.

Since getting divorced, I've done a handful of questionable not-so-adult things, like that time in Vegas (maybe I'll write about it in the book, it really is a great story) and even more adult things like buy another place of my very own, pay my bills, and create a healthy lifestyle. Most recently, I added another check mark to my grownup bucket list - I opened a P.O. Box. Now you can send me stuff! Ya know, just if you want to. Honestly, the handful of times I've given out my home address for people to send me things has made me super uncomfortable. I either reluctantly gave it out or I just didn't respond to your email (sorry for being an awkward turtle). I know most people out there aren't creepers, but it only takes one. I gotta think about my kid and his safety lest that divorce judge give me a smug "I told you so" side eye. Here it is:


With my first package.
(Heh, package.)

You can address it to "Meg(h)an" spelled however you want, Nerky Meg, Nerky, or Literally The Worst and it will probably get to me. Probably. Please send me Harry Potter himself. Or dragon eggs. Or Princess Leia's gold bikini. Or some Kryptonite. Don't let me down, guys. Also, please only send chevron envelopes. Thems the rules.

P.S. Don't forget to enter my Younique 3D Fiber Lash Mascara giveaway! Only 3 days left!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

How to Girl and a GIVEAWAY!

As a kid I was a nerdy tomboy pretty much to the maximum power. I had a velcro Ninja Turtles wallet (that I kept pogs and my Babysitter's Club membership card in), and I didn't wear makeup until my friends took pity/forced it on me. Now as an adult I wear makeup daily and I wish I still had that TMNT wallet. (Being a grownup is lame sometimes.) Here's the thing, ain't nobody got time to waste in the morning, and I'm not about to wake up any earlier than absolutely necessary. I like to make it quick and dirty - I've got my makeup routine down to 5 minutes start to finish now. I have to keep it quick and easy to keep up the guise that I'm totally low maintenance and easy going. (The jig is up!)

Have you heard of Younique 3D fiber lashes? I've seen before and after lash pictures all over the interwebs and been invited to virtual parties, but I just dismissed it as something beyond my level of makeupness until my new friend Jess emailed me. Y'all. Y'ALL. Okay. I'll admit I was a little curious. I know a lot of people are in that boat, so just have a looksee:


The top picture is regular eye makeup, including my drug store mascara.
The bottom picture is only Younique 3D Fiber Lashes. No other makeup.
What kind of sorcery is this.

It's safe to say I'm a fan. It doesn't take any longer than applying my regular mascara and look at how much more volume. LOOK AT. My lashes aren't clumpy or rigid, they're soft like freshly laundered linens. And it's SO EASY. I didn't even curl my lashes first as advised because I'm a muhfuggin' rebel, nor did I need to use a lash brush because see previous statement about it being SO EASY. There's a slight learning curve with using the fibers as opposed to a typical gel mascara, but if I can pick it up easily, then anyone can. For real. I don't do difficult makeup, it's why I've never applied lip liner. 

So here's the fun part - do you want to try it? Enter to win below for your very own FREE Younique 3D Fiber Lashes! Don't want to wait? Visit Younique 3D Lashes by Jess to buy it and see for yourself! Check out the other makeup, too. I've heard it's the tits. 

EDIT: Also, join the Facebook Event to see more posts and information from Jess (and for an easy entry into the giveaway) and if you comment here with a question, be sure to check back to see Jess's answers!

Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway