Why I'll Never Get a Job I Love

The short answer: I'm awkward.

The long answer:

I applied for a job that is perfect for me. Based on their website, I just KNOW I would fit in with these people, and the position they are hiring is a position I have a ton of experience in. I wrote a witty cover letter tying in to some comments on their website. I sent my resume, both a traditional and a graphic designer/ colorful one, along with the cover letter to the email provided. I got an email response wanting to schedule a phone interview.

I'm beyond excited. I have a lot of shit on my plate and I really needed something to go smoothly for me. This was it. 

The phone interview was scheduled for the next day, and it's pretty much all I could think about. I'm awkward and anxious and sweaty. He calls. I try to be cool. I'm not cool. I answer his questions and we bond over how awesome Star Wars is. I'm not even kidding, didn't I say I'd fit in?

So then I get an email a couple of hours later wanting to schedule a face to face interview with some of their team. I'm not ashamed to admit I literally jumped up and down when I read it. This is totally the thing that's gonna go right for me. This is it.

The interview was yesterday afternoon. What else was yesterday? A clusterfuck at work. I didn't get a single moment to prep for this interview and I was nervous about it all day. So I leave work early to head over there. I arrive half an hour early and sit in the parking lot to decompress from the day so far. I walk in 10 minutes early, because I want to be early enough to show I'm punctual, but not weird-early. Smooth like buttah, I say.

And then it begins. Typical interview questions. I'm nervous and sweaty and my hands are shaking. I try to keep my voice even. I try to be the charming, witty girl I know I can be, and that I usually am. That girl is apparently gone for the day, and in her place is Sweaty McAwkward. Awesome. I can hardly remember any of my answers, except when they asked what my weakness was I told them "public speaking", which is true. I should have said "interviews". And then they asked me what my favorite website is. This is a website design company, mind you. I said Google. 


I mean, yeah. Google is super useful. But favorite website? Uh, no. It's like my brain oozed out my ears and I forgot what I use the internet for. 

Listen, get me talking in a regular conversation and I'm good. Behind a computer screen, I can easily write what I'm thinking. Put me on the spot? You might as well be talking to a zombie. 

So now, this company interviewed this girl they thought was gonna be great. I got to skip the first step of the whole process just based on my cover letter. I got an immediate callback for a real interview. I'm completely qualified for this position. It was going so well. Until I had to interview. I'm sure they're wondering who the fuck that girl in the interview was, and what did she do with the girl they were expecting? 

Hopefully my "thank you for having me" email recovered some of my awkwardness. I listed some of my actual favorite sites, which are mostly blogs, and mentioned that I want to write a book some day. Then I made a mermaid joke. You know, like you do.

Since most companies probably won't hire for a position without an interview, I guess I'm SOL. Unless someone I know works there, then you can tell them that I'm not usually this awkward. Or sweaty. Promise.