Can I ASS you a question?

It's time for...Adventures in Single Life!

I ran 5 miles Saturday, but it doesn't even feel like an accomplishment. I'm all, bitch, please. Fi' miles ain't no thang. (I wish I were a real life sassy black woman.) During my run I got hit on by some high school kids in a truck their parents bought them. Ironically it was when Bootylicious came on my iPod.

To them I say:
It looks like I'm nekkid, but really it's a strapless dress. Lolz.

I don't think you're ready for this body's too bootylicious for ya, babe.

If only I had been desirable to teenage boys when I was a teenage girl.

Then I got the most convincing spam text ever:

So now I feel like the universe thinks I'm a teenage lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

It straightened itself out Sunday when I went to Target with a friend and she kept catching men looking at my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. (Weirdest song lyric ev, amirite? I always think of breast cancer. And then I wonder why a man would ogle a cancerous tumor.) At the risk of sounding like an attention-whore, I kind of like that I get checked out now. It's proof that hard work pays off, even if the men doing the looking are sometimes oogie. Or from Canada.

You can look but you can't touch it. If you touch it I'ma, I'ma start some drama.

Sunday night we watched the Grammys where my kid thought Taylor Swift was the tits. It was possibly her shoes he was enamored with. The kid loves shoes.

Oh and he let me do this to his hair:
Grown up bedhead on a baby?! Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit.


  1. HAHAHA This post is like 10 shades of funny.

    1. Too bad it's not 50 shades.

      There was a joke in there somewhere, but I missed the mark. Oh well, they can't all be winners.

      :) And um, sorry for the latest reply EVER. Blogging fail.

  2. I've gotten a few of those spam texts too! So annoying!

    The Hartungs Blog

    1. Right? Just when I think someone finally texted me...

      Thanks for reading :) and I'm also sorry for the latest comment reply ev. Fail x1000.


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