How to trick people into thinking you're a professional Baketress: Part 2

Gimme some sugar.

Icing sugar.

Or mouth kisses. 

It is Valentine's Day week after all. Girls celebrate holidays for the entire week the holiday is in, everybody knows that. Except Christmas, Christmas lasts for months.


Royal Icing hardens and becomes shiny and smooth. It's great for decorating cookies or making decorations for cakes, but you wouldn't ice a whole cake with it. You can, however, use it as a "glue" for when you need to stick pieces or fondant, cake, etc together.

My 100% awesome royal icing recipe:

This will make enough for the cookie recipe from yesterday.

Also this recipe is slightly modified from one I found online 100 years ago (I was on the internet before it was mainstream) if you recognize it, please don't yell at me for not citing the original source. Hey, how 'bout I make you some cookies and we call it even?

Los Ingredientes: 

4 cups (half a bag) of powdered sugar
2 1/2 tablespoons meringue powder (you can buy it at craft stores in the baking section - it's basically powdered egg)
1/2 cup warm water
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
additional water as needed

Whisk warm water and meringue powder in a mixer bowl by hand (whisk it, whisk it good) until frothy. Add cream of tartar and mix with whisk until blended. Pour in all of the powdered sugar and mix everything with your bitchin' mixer for 5-10 minutes on the lowest speed until it looks like runny icing. 

The knife method:

When you run a knife through your icing, you want it to go back to a smooth surface in 4-5 seconds. That will give you the perfect consistency. If it takes longer, your icing is too thick and it will be a bitch to use. If it takes less time, it's too runny and will slide off the edge of your cookies.

Add sugar if it's too runny and water if it's too thick. Most often for me, it's too thick (that's what she said) so that's what I use the additional water for in los ingredientes.

Now you want colors. I think if you add up all the time I've spent dying icing it would equal days. Days out of my life, gone forever, just to get the perfect shade of pepto bismol pink.

Use GEL food colors found at craft stores or baking supply stores. The liquid food coloring will make your icing runny. Stab a toothpick in your color gel a little bit at a time and mix in your icing until you get the hang of the ratios you need.

 Pepto Pink

Pro tip: Brown and red icing are THE WORST. It takes a ton of gel to get to a decent shade. I'm just sayin'. 

For cookies, I use squeeze bottles instead of icing bags. It's easier because the icing is runnier than cake icing. I don't like the bottles I have though because you can't add an icing tip for fine writing. Wilton FAIL.

The red bottle is one I bought recently and you CAN add an icing tip, so I always put the color I'm gonna write with in that one and use a #2 tip. Just the tip.

And that's it! Notice how all of the bottles have caps. Royal icing hardens when air touches it, so you want to keep your icing airtight until you're gonna use it.

Storage: Put dem bitches in the fridge. You can store it for a week or so, but you'll have to stir it when you're ready to use it again because it will separate.

You can also mend broken hearts with royal icing.

Unbreak my hearrrt, say you'll love me again

Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it! Break another little bit of my heart now, darling!

Oh. Cool thanks!

Note: Googling "songs about a broken heart" the day before Valentine's Day makes me feel like a sad, lonely fuck. 

I mean, I'm not particularly sad or lonely, but that was depressing, man.

Tomorrow's agenda: Decorating.

And here is the Sugar Cookie Recipe in case you missed it.