Frisky Friday: First Date Rules for My Girls

I'm not an expert on much (except planking - I can plank like a motherfucker), but I do know how to be the kind of girl that guys want to hang out with, apart from totally getting their Star Wars references. I'm gonna share my secrets with you, in memes. Because why not.

Rules for a first date:

Don't dress too slutty. If your boobs are pushed up so far that there's a real fear of them bruising your chin, then maybe you should change. 


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It will just be distracting. Do you really want him to stare at your cleavage all night? It sends the wrong message. You can't turn a hoe into a housewife. By the same token, it's still a date. Don't wear a t-shirt or whatever. Come on, you know how to dress yourself.

Learn the major sports teams in your city. You'll look like a total dipshit if you have to ask what sport he's talking about. Guys talk about sports a lot. It's probably going to come up. (That's what she said.)



Skip the girly drama bullshit. Nobody cares that your best friend's cousin's boyfriend is a douche canoe for whatever reason and so now we're supposed to hate this person we've never met. No. In fact, let's skip that all the time. Blanket rule from here on out: no girly drama bullshit. Ever.


Smile a lot and laugh at their jokes. It has to be genuine though, no faking because they will notice. Besides, you'll be doing enough faking later in your relationship. (Hey-o!) If he's not funny, then gtfo. Sense of humor is number one. (For me at least.) If he can't make you laugh, then what the hell are you gonna do in between horizontal naked dancing?



Aside from being super mean all the time, Gordon Ramsey is ridiculously good looking. I can relate, working in a kitchen is stressful. I'm a woman after all. (Are you on Twitter? #tweetsfromthekitchen.)

Don't order something high maintenance. Look at where you are and order accordingly, and for fuck's sake do NOT send your order back to the kitchen for any reason unless what they brought you might kill you. Just pick off the mushrooms this once. (Unless mushrooms are the thing that might kill you. Then send that shit back, but be very polite and apologetic about it.) 


Reach for the check. This isn't the 50s. Do you have a job? Then pay for your shit. He might insist on paying and that's fine because it's manly/traditional/masculine/etc. or whatever, but you have to at least reach.

I couldn't find a good meme for this. Clearly the internet disagrees with my theory.

No sexy time. Don't give it up on the first date unless you plan on this being either A) a one night stand, or B) a fuck buddy. If that's fine with you, then great. No judgment here. If you want a relationship though, then you should take it slower. You get more respect and it's more fun. 



I read once that the worst thing that can happen when a guy invites you over to watch a movie is actually watching the movie. That may be true for later dates, but not the first one. He will just think you're easy if you hit that on date one.

You're welcome for these wise words and unsolicited advice. Live long and prosper. May the force be with you. Expecto patronum. 42. 

Comments

  1. Excellent advice my friend. Fortunately, I lucked out with a guy who doesn't particularly care for sports so I don't have to fake that interest. Win! I will just continue to be an excellent supporter of his Star Wars obsession which includes reading every book ever written on the series.

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  2. And then when you're married you don't have to pretend to like sports anymore. Or worry about putting out. Ever.

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  3. Have I mentioned that my sister is awesome? No? Hunh. Must have overlooked that. You're awesome.

    But only worry about the sports thing if you're good with a guy who loves sports. Plenty of us don't particularly care for them. =P

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  4. can't turn a hoe into a housewife...man, it's been a long time since I heard that one. and I'm so glad I'm not alone on the reach for the check issue...I mean, come on! :)

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  5. Gawd, I wanna be friends with you ! Fantastic advice. I love Star Trek and tonight is D & D night at our house with the Mr.'s friends. Oh wait! Is that a whole new level of nerdiness?

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  6. I love that you used the phrase Sexy Time. And this was hilariously awesome. I'm not single, so I can't take any of your advice to heart... but the Nicky Minage fake laugh thing is absolutely accurate. Who dates someone who isn't funny???

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  7. I don't know what a douche canoe is..but I know it made me laugh and snort. First I type snot..that might have happened too.

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  8. I find a nice compromise is to agree to him paying but I leave the tip. I also like the guy paying it's whats done but I sure as hell am going to offer to go 1/2s at least.

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