What I eat

For the record, I'm not an expert on weight loss. Jillian Michaels totally is and she scares the shit out of me and I don't ever want to be like her or meet her because she might kill me with her bare hands. I don't know if I'm doing it right (that's what she said), but I lost a fuckton of weight, so clearly I'm doing something right.

I used to eat like this:

I'm sexy and I know it.

Now I eat like this:

First of all, water. I drink a ton of water. I fill my 22oz water bottle 3x/day, in addition to whatever water I drink with meals. I rarely drink cokes (that's any kind of sodie-pop for you non-Texans) or any other beverage. Maybe iced tea if I'm feeling frisky. But seriously, I have my water bottle with me at all times. Always. Like, 100% of the time. 

I don't drink alcohol that often and I very rarely have more than 2 drinks in one night because I'm classy a lightweight. Plus, most people know I'm snobby about calories now so we do healthy things like split bacon cheeseburgers. (You have to live a little.)

57 pounds ago (that's right I'm at 143 now muthafuckaaaaaas), I started out using MyFitnessPal to track my calories. It really got me on target as far as portion sizes and about how many calories I was eating at a time. It's a free app and really easy to use and I would recommend it to anyone starting out. I don't use it anymore because it's not just about calories, but I still maintain that it's a good way to start out.

Breakfast: I rarely eat a good breakfast because I wake up with heartburn every. fucking. day. I drink a full glass of water to quell my acid pit and hope for the best.

Lunch: I make good portion choices. You can totally have Chipotle, just get a bowl instead of the burrito and eat half and decide whether your satiated. Don't get chips and drink water. Easy and still effing delicious. Plus, you have dinner for later or lunch for tomorrow. 

If I had a hard workout over lunch, I'll eat a protein bar in the afternoon. You have to eat enough protein in your diet to build muscle from working out. If you are a girl, you do NOT have to worry about getting swole like guys do. Eat your protein, I promise you won't get scary muscles. Men will still want to have sex with you. Or women, if that's how you roll. I know you were worried, I'm here to calm your fears.

Usually I'll have some kind of snack in the afternoon regardless of my workout. String cheese or an apple or a granola bar or something.


During the week I do easy stuff. By the time I pick my son up from daycare he's usually already had dinner there, so if that's the case I'll make something easy-as-fuck after he goes to bed. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to make, it's not happening during the week. Usually grilled chicken and raw spinach are involved. (I love spinach. Also brussel sprouts. My love of brussel sprouts is a sore spot with two of my brothers because of a loophole in the game "sardines".)

Half a grilled chicken breast and an avocado with honey and sea salt. And water.

I don't know how to store avocados without them getting brown, so I always have to eat the whole thing. Oh well, those fuckers are delicious. I actually only wound up eating about 2/3 of the avocado and I gave some of the chicken to my dog. I just can't bear (hah, get it? His name is Bear) those puppy dog eyes.

I eat like a crazy-eyed barbarian.
Silverware is for fools.

If I have class, I just have to plan ahead. I definitely don't cook those nights. I probably have an apple and some pb crackers. Maybe some yogurt or a ham sandwich and some rice cakes.

Weekends are different. Sometimes I'll get a wild hair on my ass and make a beautiful meal. Usually I just make a whole bunch of something and eat it all throughout the week. Last weekend I made a ton of grilled chicken and I've been using it all week in salads or quesadillas/burritos, or just to eat plain with some veggies. It's the tits.

If you want, I can start posting my easy-as-fuck recipes. Typically they involved some kind of pre-work, like having your chicken already grilled or having rice already made.

After dinner: I don't usually eat after dinner. If I'm still hungry, I might have a banana. If I want something sweet maybe I'll have a girl scout cookie (uh, samoas or gtfo). Just one. Portions. Portions. Portions.

And it's not that I never eat bad food. I just don't do it often anymore. I don't crave sweets or queso. (Don't even leave me hanging on queso cravings. That's totally a thing.) It really is a complete lifestyle change. I look at food as something that I am required to have to stay alive, as opposed to looking at each meal as a special event.

And if you missed it Tuesday, this is how I exercise


  1. Jillian scares the pee and the crap out of me. I would turn and run as fast and far as I could if she were ever within half a mile of me.

    If you drizzle lemon juice on avocados they won't turn brown. Same with apples. =)


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