Frisky Friday: Sexting

Y'all play that game with your friends where you text them a famous person's name and then they reply with whether or not they'd hit that, right? Me too. In fact, we've been doing it for so long that now we just say "so-and-so's a yes" and then get a reply like "oh, totes." My bestie even knew just what to say when I told her I got a job:

I'm not sure why I'm so into Gordon Ramsay all of a sudden.
I've never even seen his show.
Probably his hair.

Anyway, so texting with your besties about famous people you'd work your magic with is totally cool and normal. Sexting, however, is fairly new territory for me. It's all fun and games until you get a dick pic.

I'll spare you a picture here.

It's not that dick pics aren't welcome at all. They have their time. "Always" is just not the time. Here's why dick pics are so prevalent: Men are visual creatures. They want to see t&a, and assume that women want to see their junk. This is where they're wrong. It's not that we aren't visual, it's just that that visual in particular isn't the one that turns us on the most, amirite ladies? Send me a picture of you doing the dishes without me asking. Send me a picture of you doing anything without me asking. (Ha, I kid.)

But seriously, where men are visual creatures, we women like to use our imagination. Send a picture where we can see your hair, so we can imagine running our fingers through it. Write out a fantasy where you go step by step and say what you'd do to us. Send a picture of your muscular arms so we can imagine what it feel like for you to lift us up against the wall.

Damn, NerkyMeg just got real.

But I mean, come on. We're sexting. Give us something to work with. Who can I think of that has both fantastic hair and fantastic arms...?

At least I'm consistent.

General rules: 

If you're a politician, don't sext anyone but your wife/husband. Even then, you probably just shouldn't do it. You know someone's gonna dig that shit up on you later. Politicians never get to have any fun.

Everyone else, don't sext anyone but your wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend. By this, I mean that assuming you are in a relationship, do not sext someone outside your relationship. That's called cheating.

If you're sending a nudie, do not, under any circumstances, include your face in the pic. You never really know a person's intentions and it would be supes embarrassing if that shit wound up on the interwebz. Remember how nervous Anne Hathaway was that one time when she and her boyfriend broke up? Then she was naked for the entire movie in Love and Other Drugs. Go figure.


Unless you want to build a negative reputation for yourself, I'd really only stick to sexting if you're in a relationship. A friend with benefits is cool too, I suppose. You'd have to trust them a lot though. Also, I'm pretty sure guys will show their friends your nudie pics if they're good. Or if they're bad. Or if they're mediocre. Point is, those pictures will probably get shared. They are, however, less likely to do that if they're in a relationship with you. Also, this brings us back to the previous rule about not having your face in the pic.

Don't get all weird. If Christian Grey had sexted Anastasia before he had a chance to trick her into loving him with his billions of dollars and ridiculous good looks, she never would have taken the bait. Homeboy was into some weird shit. You should at least test the waters before you jump in feet first to chains and weird metal balls.


If you are absolutely bent on sending a dick pic, maybe do a little landscaping first. Don't mow the whole lawn, just trim back the hedges a little bit. No one likes unruly hedges. Same with vageens. 

Boom. You are now Sexting = Level Expert. May the force be with you and your lightsaber. (Just so we're clear, only the first picture was a screenshot of my phone.)

Comments

  1. I think I would be okay with a dick pic from Mr. Levine. OMG, I can only imagine!!

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  2. I DON'T play that texting game with my friends, but it's ON! What a great idea! (I'd also not be mad about a sausage pic from Mr Levine).

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  3. Ha ha ha ... I totally agree with all of this! So funny =)

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  4. Apparently commenting through my phone is a big fail of deletion.

    This reminded me of conversations I've had about the differences of male vs female strip clubs. (I've never been to any sort of clubs of course)

    Most male-oriented strip clubs are just in your face, sometimes literally.

    Female strip clubs usually tell a story and have plots.

    Sound familiar?

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  5. oh meghan you crack me up. you really seem to know what you're talking about ;) I agree on all front....except I think gordon ramsay looks like a pug. (and not in a cute way)

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  6. Your parents read this and told me that you are supposed to leave your phone on the kitchen table before you go to bed.

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  7. Oh my word. I'm always paranoid of those overzealous people at the FBI and CIA digging through my text messages. So I keep them incredibly boring. But if I ever, ever think to sext, I will keep every one of your rules in mind as I blush and remind myself that I am over the age of 12.

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  8. HAHA! I could totally use a friend who texts like you do.

    PS-Great tips!

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