Siri can suck it

Yesterday I learned that you have to not be a dipshit in order to use GPS like Apple or Google Maps. Yesterday I also learned that I'm a dipshit.

I had the day off and I had to drive across town the planet to Fort Worth to do a favor for my brother. I have never not gotten lost when driving to FW. Never. And that's in optimal conditions.

Well that looks foreboding.

It was rainy and shitty out, not to mention every single highway had construction and detours. I swear, there was a point when Siri got exasperated with me and she was all "(audible sigh) Ughhhh rerouting. Slight LEFT you dumb bitch." And I was all "I CAN'T BECAUSE THERE ARE FUCKING CONCRETE BARRIERS, SIRI." And then she gave me the silent treatment like a typical woman. Whatever, I can kick your ass, Siri. Pick the time and place.

This picture doesn't do the clusterfuck justice.

This was the kind of trip when I also had to use GPS to get home because I was so far out in BFE. My dog loved it though. He fucking loves car rides. I should take him more, but I guess I'm just an asshole.

Pomeranians are at least 80% fur.

So I finished up the errand and headed back, and was welcomed back into my neck of the woods with a goddamn ticket. It's not even for anything cool like speeding or having an illegal exotic pet. I turned right on red in a place where that wasn't allowed. I wish I could say I was being a muhfuckin' rebel, but I had no idea. I also wish I could say that I talked my way out of the ticket, but I sure didn't. Flirting totally didn't work.

The only awesome thing? He was Officer McClain. Like on Die Hard. (I mean, technically it's McClane on Die Hard, but whatev) When I saw his name, the first thing I wanted to do was say "yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" and speed off. I didn't though. I'm much more brazen inside my head. I wonder if his first name was John.

In awesome-and-not-shitty-at-all news, HubbyJack made me the cutest damn blog button I ever did see, with absolutely no direction from me:

It's pretty much perfect and he's pretty much the tits.
You can totes stealsies the html and put it on your blog if you like my shit!
<-- Scroll up and it's on the side over there.
Unless you're viewing this on a mobile device, then you have no idea what I just pointed to.
Your loss.
Kidding, you can "view the web version" to see.

And finally, it's Day 3 of #Nerky30ds! If you aren't receiving daily profanity-laden motivational emails from me and you'd like to be, email me at meg(at)nerkyblog(dot)com. My abs are so sore that I thought I broke in half when I sneezed earlier. My quads and whatever muscles are in my armpits are mad at me too. No pain, no gain though. My armpits are gonna be bangin' at the end of this.

Comments

  1. I hate Siri! I just got a new phone that has her... I thought she would be loads of fun and we'd be best friends.... But the dumb bitch can't understand half of what I say and she pronounces my name weird!

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  2. I love you. That is all. Oh, amd I am gonna put your cutie patootie button on my blog when I get home to my computer!

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  3. I inevitably get lost anywhere I go, my sense of direction is pretty much non-existent. I love to yell at my GPS though because it is totally her fault.

    Sorry you got a ticket, I can't ever talk my way out of them either. You should have flashed him some titties and maybe that would have worked. ;)

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  4. Um yeah, totally DON'T miss Dallas traffic - were you on 820? In all my years living up there I came to a few conclusions... 1) there is never a time or day that 820 isn't fucked 2) there is never a day, week, month, or year that construction isn't f-ing up my drive oh and p.s. the worst is/was the 114/121/635 cluster fuck, I can't even tell you how many times I ended up in the damn airport or something! Ugh, and don't even get me started on that bitch Siri!

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  5. Umm yeah that is the most kick ass button I have ever seen!!

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  6. Thanks for saying I'm like God's pillows.

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  7. I seriously feel the same way about driving anywhere in Southern California. I get lost every damn time. And the GPS acts like I'm an incompetent nincompoop who couldn't pass the 2nd grade time reading test.

    I effing hate GPS-judgement.

    Also, why do places do weird shit like "not right turn on red"??? That's dumb.

    Your button is epic. Love.

    ReplyDelete

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