My redneck childhood

I thought Mother's Day-ish would be a good time to talk about how life was as a little girl growing up without one.

I never thought I was any different from any other kid. Looking back, I now see that all of my friend's parents took pity on me as a motherless little girl. They overcompensated for my lack of a female role model and dressed me in the frilliest of frilly dresses, pretty much all the time until I put my foot down and wouldn't wear them from about age 5-26. You should just be glad you never had to buy maxi-pads as a 13 year old girl with your dad. I shit you not, we went to Walmart once and poked holes in ALL of the packages looking for "the green ones". 

Circa 1990. Bangs and frills for days.

Motherless is not the right word. I have a mother. She passed away from breast cancer when I was 18 months old, but she's still my mom. My aunt on that side also had a scare, so I had the BRACanalysis test done last year, and thankfully I don't have the mutant gene that would put me at a super high cancer risk. At least I don't have risky-titties. (Although maybe I could have been in X-Men that way. Mutant and proud.) 

PSA: Get your titties checked, girls. Doc says that because of my family history, I should start getting mammograms when I'm 28. (I'm 26.) And guys, get your junk checked. Rumor has it that junk cancer is no walk in the park either.

I get my sense of humor and stunning good looks smile from my mom. I don't remember her at all, but I have a few things of hers. I found a St. Christopher pendant in her jewelry box, which, fittingly, I keep in my car as he is the Patron Saint of Travel. Plus, it's kinda like she's watching over me (d'awwww).

She was an anesthesiologist like my dad. (Yeah BOTH of my parents were doctors and I'm over here like, "oh...I know a good knock knock joke".) They kept their doctor gear in those big red rolling toolboxes with all the drawers you can buy at Home Depot, and I have hers in my garage now filled with screwdrivers and other manly nonsense. Here's the side of it:

Tell me you didn't lol, even though it's slightly offensive.
Tell me.

So I have a St. Christopher necklace and a buttsex sticker to remember my mom by. I hope that one day when I die, Mylo has equally random tokens that remind him of me.

I have 3 older half brothers and no sisters. We've never even had any girl pets. My family was super into hunting and outdoorsy stuff, so I spent a large part of my childhood in the mud touching dead animals.

It was gross.

My brothers, on the other hand, didn't mind touching the dead animals. 
This picture cracks me up because Andrew is holding up nothing.

I don't have anything against hunting, but keep your bloody carcasses to yourself. Growing up around guns taught me gun safety at an early age though, and I'll be damned if I can't hit a turtle head in the water from 100 yards out, blind-folded and standing on one leg. 

True story: one time my dad left my friend and I in a cabin and went off hunting with my brothers. We were about 10 or 11, playing and talking about boys and we heard a rattlesnake. We were scared shitless, but finally found it right out front and I got my little 4-10 shotgun and shot the bastard. I'm pretty sure that's the proudest my dad has ever been of me.

We also fished a lot, which I hated. I couldn't understand why people would voluntarily TOUCH WORMS. Give me a lure and I can sit there for days, but I am NOT going to touch a worm. It's not happening. NO.

We spent a lot of time at Lake Texoma lighting fireworks and raising hell. Not me, I was an angel. My brothers were the bad influences. We went muddin' a lot. If you don't know what that is, you probably have all of your teeth and a respectable job somewhere up north. We went camping regularly and had 3 farms and a deer lease. I learned to play poker on the deer lease with my brothers and some family friends. One time I won a huge pot and I said "Come to mama!" and cracked everybody's shit up. I've been hilarious since I was 7. HILARIOUS. (They still make fun of me for saying that, almost 20 years later.) 

I'm pretty sure most people thought I was a boy until my boobs came in. I was a huge tomboy until 8th grade when I learned to douse myself in cucumber melon body spray and my BFF taught me how to put blue sparkly eye shadow on up to my eyebrows. That's when I discovered boys and how much fun it is to kiss them and I've been girly ever since. 

Comments

  1. My hero! I wasn't born a redneck but I married one and have been hunting, fishing, drinking and swearing ever since. I can be a girly girl too but I'm not afraid to get dirty. (Ohh dirty, dirty girl)

    Your childhood may sound redneck to some but at least your dad was involved and sounds like he loves you very much.

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  2. Those stickers are hilarious. Offensive and all!

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  3. Oh man! This made me laugh and brought back fond memories! I was raised by my dad too... I would send him to get pads and he would come back with something like the overnight ones, so I had to go to school feeling like I was wearing a diaper!

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  4. Sorry I missed this post originally, I have been wrapped up in my own shit this week. It sounds like you had a great childhood, dead animals and all! I love that you have those little mementos of your mom too. Those stickers are hilarious.

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