Fat girl mindset

I promised a blog facelift this weekend, but I'm not ready yet because my computer was being an asshole. I know everyone was waiting with bated breath. It will be soon, my precious.

I posted this picture on Instagram/Facebook complaining about the woes of my computer crashing, to mostly positive reactions. (Y'all are the tits, by the by.)

Only a couple of people commiserated about computer issues.
The rest of you are perverts.

BUT I realize that it may have seemed bragadocious to post a bikini picture like that. I've already done it. Why do I keep doing it? I'll tell you. It's because I still have "fat girl" mentality. I'm aware that it's crazy. I know I'm not fat, I'm a size 4 for fuck's sake. I can't help it, I still subconsciously assume I'm fatmeg, so when I take a selfie and my boobs look all perfect and my stomach looks kind of flat and all of the curves are in the right places, I think to myself, "Damn, I got a good angle on that one!" And boom, it's a keeper.

Because I still have fat girl mindset. 

In reality, I look like that all the time. I wasn't sucking in my belly or turning just right to get my thinnest angle (I know allll the tricks, y'all). I don't know how to cure myself of this, because it's not about knowing, it's about feeling. Maybe it's because I was fat for so long. Maybe it's because I'm scared to get fat again. Maybe it's because when I was fat, I never felt fat. Maybe it's because I'm still self conscious about my little belly pooch and my stretch marks and how my thighs sometimes touch. 

Stretch marks, you say? I know. I don't talk about them much because I HATE them, but I don't want y'all to think that I think my shit don't stink, so BOOM, the ugly with the pretty:

I have tattoos because I'm fucking EDGY.
Also I like polka dots.

I never had stretch marks on my belly/sides until I got pregnant. Now they're super faded and really only visible in the right lighting when I don't have a tan, but I still know they're there. AND I HATE IT. (I love my tattoo so hard though. I'm gonna get another one soon, I can feel it. Mostly to hide my damn stretch marks. I hate them so much.)

The consequences of getting your belly button pierced out of rebellion when you're 18, then taking it out when you're 20 and getting all fat, then getting pregnant, then losing all the weight only to leave a weird scar situation. 
And stretch marks.

I took this picture and thought to myself, "Wow, I look really thin in this picture!" Hello, fatty mindset. I really need to work on that. (I don't really know how to work on it.)

Like I said, they're really only visible in specific lighting, which is why you may not have noticed them in previous bikini/midriff pictures. Same with my belly button wrinkle, it's only super obvious in direct lighting, because it's actually a stretch mark. But still. I'd love to be able to post this:

and agree with it. Yes, I earned my motherfucking stripes. I still wish they weren't there. They're a permanent, embarrassing reminder that I let my weight get out of hand, because even though I got the little bastards when I was pregnant, I think it's only because I was fat to begin with. So I associate them with being fat, not creating life. 

I'm still insecure about some things just like everyone is, even though I lost a ton of weight. It's not all sunshine and rainbows up in here. Everybody struggles with something no matter their size, shape, race, gender, height or whatever. So just be nice. Be supportive of each other. What good does it do to "hate" on people? If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all then look harder.


  1. You're hot, Nerky! Own it!!

  2. Pervert checking in. If I were a guy, I'd totally do you. ;)

    I feel the same way about my stretchmarks and I even had a tummy tuck. Those fuckers were all the way up to my boobs but after the tummy tuck they settled to below my belly button but, they're still there. Actually, some still extend above belly button. Bastards.

    I wish I knew how to get past the fat girl mentality...it's a damn struggle.

  3. You can't even see your stretch marks. You look amazing and I love your tattoo!

  4. I freaking LOVE your tattoo!!!! and you look great!

  5. Sweet baby Jesus, we could be tummy buddies. I also rebelled with the navel ring and I've got those signature stretchmarks too. For me, I gained too much, too fast during the last half of my pregnancy. Oh well. Wore my first two piece since baby about two weeks ago to the beach, and like you, I OWNED IT. KCCO

  6. Damn girl!!! Look at that tiny waist and perfect tatas! You suck. Lol. Stretch marks suck big donkey ballads and I think most of us (unless you're an alien) have them. Mi e are horrible like almost all around my waist BUT it could be worse. Lol. It's hard to get outta the FG mind set. You'll get there. And if not we'll beat it into your head! Ha! Totally kidding!

  7. Let me be totally honest: I have gained and lost weight more than once now, and it's when my fat girl mentality goes away that I start to slip. When I can actually look in the mirror every day and say, "damn girl!" I tend to eat more cheeseburgers, because I feel like I've earned it. That's not to say that it's good to constantly beat yourself up about the way you look, but I think that it's good to remember what you used to look like, and how easy it was to get there.

    Also, damn girl! Those stretch marks are barely there. You have worked really hard, and you look amazing. Be proud that you reined it in before those stretch marks became super-visible, and before you got to the point where you would have to have loose skin removed in order to be seen in a bikini in public. That would not be fun.

  8. I love the tiger stripes quote! What a great way to look at it.

  9. I have the same looking belly button scar as you do! I get asked all the time, did you have a belly ring? Yes..it's called getting pregnant letting it stretch out and then you can never tone that bitch! It's like a butthole on the above your belly button! Errr. So I can completely relate with you! keep up the great writing..you crack me up!!!

  10. You look damn good girl! I hate my stretch marks too! Bah! :)

  11. You look amazing. I have that mentality. Will it ever go away?

  12. Just found your blog through Mama Laughlin. I LOVE y'all's writing style!

  13. Ahhh - I LOVE your tattoo!! I've always said if I got another I would get the deathly hallows (currently re-reading BTW) but that is a GREAT combination!! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!!

  14. I struggle with this ALL THE TIME. Stretch marks and loose skin and a weird belly button ring scar. BUT, you just have to step away from the self criticizing and love your body for what it is and what it has accomplished. You, my friend, are a fucking rock star and your tattoos are pretty kick ass, too.

  15. Thank you for posting this! I also have the weird belly ring scar! Hate it! I know my daughter won't even think about getting one because of my scar. I guess that's a positive thing. lol

  16. Not sure how I got here but I enjoyed your post. About the stretch marks - some guys actually find them attractive, at least those who have gone beyond their puerile visual conditioning and cultivated their tastes with real experience. Not sure if that helps your feeling about them, but they're there now, so might as well appreciate them as another unique and natural (even sexy) feature about you.


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