Frisky Friday: Bros at the Gym
I love getting hit on. (Most of the time. Don't be oogie about it.) It's a fairly new occurrence for me because I used to be fat and married, and a side effect of weight loss and divorce is confidence. I take more selfies and I talk to people more readily. Here's the thing, gym time is my time. I'm there to work it out, because I know what it's like to be fat and I don't intend to get fat again.
So I'm talking to YOU, bros at the gym, howsabout you stop staring at girls at the gym?
It's awkward. We're jamming to our bitchin' tunes on our ipods, sweating like whores in church doing intervals on the treadmill. Your eyes burning into my ass is making me self conscious and uncomfortable, and I can't focus on my workout. How am I supposed to stay in shape if I can't get a good workout because I'm distracted by the eye-fucking? It's a catch 22.
Two rules for bros at the gym (You know what I mean by "bros" - the guys that wear the sleeveless shirts to show off their muscles and probably make sex noises when bench-pressing):
ONE - Don't stare. If she catches you looking at dat ass, you're gonna have a bad time. Just be discreet for fuck's sake. This is also true for when you're checking out a girl's rack. She notices when you break your eye contact to look down at her boobs. Come on, man.
TWO - Don't talk. It's awkward. She has to take her headphones out and pretend to care about what you're saying. Do you think she's going to hear what you have to say to her, drop everything and jump your bones right there? Because, no.
Caveat: The only acceptable time to talk to her is if she talks first. "How do I use this machine?" "What does that one do?" If she laughs then she's flirting with you, bro.
And ladies, you don't get to complain about bros staring at you if you dress like a Victoria's Secret model for your workout.
If you still look cute when you leave the gym, you're doing it wrong. Maybe you should ask one of the bros staring at you for workout advice. Oh wait, your abs are already perfect. And your ass. And your arms. And your legs. I'm just gonna assume you don't eat anything and you've had work done. (Okay, I'm just jealous.)
So flirt with me anywhere but at the gym, bro. I'm not interested and your sex noises are making it awkward.