Muthafuckin' FRUIT TART

Y'all, I'm kind of good at making pretty desserts (Check out my cookies if you're newish). I'm not trying to be all bragadocious, it's just something I'm aware of, like how I'm also good at getting lost and doing math. We all have skillsets.  

Ima teach you how to make a fruit tart like a boss.

You're probably going to some kind of gathering tomorrow, right? To celebrate our country's Independence (and drink beer and eat noms and explode things)? 'MERICA, FUCK YEAH! Here is my go-to summer dessert. I make it at least 3-4 times a year. It's fab for anything from a bbq to baby shower because it has presentation value. Fuck yeah, I love pretty things.

Step one: Put on some shake-ya-ass tunes.

I'd "rhyme with hug" him.

Step two: Bake like a boss.

Nerky's Muthafuckin' FRUIT TART
Also called a "fruit pizza" in some parts of the world.

The Crust
Los ingredientes (because I'm a classy, cultured betch):

3/4 cup butter, softened - that's a stick and a half for you amateurs
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1 1/2 cup flour

Cream your butter and sugar together in a bowl. Add in flour until it's doughy and smack it like it deserves it into an ungreased tart pan. I think mine is 11" (twhs)

The pan has a removable bottom. Cool trick, bro.

Press it into the pan and up the sides so it looks like a crust. Bake it for 25 minutes (or until lightly browned) at 300 degrees.

Cool on a wire rack and await further instruction.

The Filling
Los Ingredientes:

1 package white chocolate chips
1/4 cup heavy whipping cream
1 package (8 oz) cream cheese, softened

Melt your chips and let cool. Mix in heavy cream. Add cream cheese and mix until smooth like buttah. Spread over the cooled crust and refrigerate for 30 minutes or so. It can be longer or a little shorter, I'm flexible (twss).

It's slightly clumpy because I mixed it with a spoon and not a mixer.
SUE ME, I like doing fewer dishes.

While it's setting in the fridge, get to choppin' your fruit. You can use whatever you want, but I generally use a combination of strawberries, kiwi, mandarin oranges and raspberries because the colors look nice together. Go ape shit with it, it's a free country. Red white and blue with strawberries, blueberries and coconut for the fourth? You go on witcho bad self.

For my fruity bits:
1 wee can mandarin oranges
1/2 container of strawberries
1 1/2 containers of raspberries
3 kiwi

mmmm, fruity bits.

Take your canvas out of the fridge and begin construction. The filling should be slightly firm now.

Side note: Does anyone have a 90s can opener like I do?

You have to wear mom-jeans while operating, it's on the label.

While I'm arranging the fruit, I also start the glaze.

The Glaze - it's the difference between a professional looking dessert and um, not.
Los Ingredientes:

3 tablespoons sugar
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1/2 cup fruit juice - pear and pineapple are both good. Apple is just okay
1/2 teaspoon lemon juice

Put it all in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Cook and stir until thick - about a minute or two. Remove from heat and let cool.

mmmm, glaze for my fruity bits.

Have you finished your fruit construction yet? Finish up and then brush glaze over fruit. Refrigerate for at least an hour before serving, and BAM muthafuckin' fruit tart.

NSFW pinnable version for you brave souls that will pin the fuck out of something with the word "fuck" in it. 


Pro-tip: To stay skinny when you bake shit like this, only eat one piece and give the rest away. This one is for work, so as much as I'd love to eat every last bite of this mofo (alone, in my underwear, in the comfort of my own home), I'm not gonna.


  1. You crack me up!!! Love fruit pizza or fruit tart

  2. Hahahah "that's a stick and a half for you amateurs" get outta here Rachel Ray.

  3. ahahahaha I wish more recipes were like yours, far more entertaining!! :) And that looks amazing...I'll be attempting your muthafuckin fruit tart soon!! Thanks for sharing!

  4. NOM NOM!! Looks amazingly delicious and so beautiful! Great job!

  5. Well, I came over from Holly's blog for a quick visit, and read a few posts, then a few more, and maybe some more after that. Directly due to your flagrant use of the f-word, that cute as hell frog post, and several other inappropriate posts, I am no longer just visiting. I'm MOVING THE FUCK IN.

  6. I love your directions. They mirror my own pretty closely, except I usually add a grande glass of wine. Looks delish!


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