Why I'll never do a cleanse again

Here's the thing. I'm a pretty healthy eater with the occasional rockstar meal. I started this whole weight loss game to be a good role model for my kiddo. I want to show him how to be healthy and how to live life.

Is eating rabbit food all the time really living? In my opinion, no. (Unless you're a rabbit.) I want a double bacon cheeseburger every now and then. And a milkshake. (And I want boys to come to the yard.) Deprivation has never worked for me.

Funny story, I had to buy a blender this weekend.
I guess I didn't win that in the divorce.
Clearly I don't blend things very often.

That green shake was actually delicious, and I'm totally going to make it again:

1 cup coconut almond milk
1 banana
2 cups spinach (you don't really taste it, I promise)

Blend it like a motherfucker. Make sure you blend it really well though, because it's gross when you have to chew the spinach. (REALLY gross. Gag a little, gross. Take my word for it.)

The ginger lemon water wasn't terrible either. Squeeze half a lemon and grate 1/2 inch of ginger root into a cup of water. The ginger pieces kept tickling my throat, though.

I got to choose between chia and flaxseeds for one of the shakes, so naturally I chose:

Um, flaxseeds.
What the shit, are chia seeds made of unicorn dreams?
Maybe I also need those gummi worms.
Just kidding. Mostly.

I was supposed to have this vegetable soup for dinner, and it was fine except that it was soup. If I'm gonna drink my dinner, it's gonna be a margarita, mkay?

I mean, maybe if it had some meat in it. Maybe.

It was mostly veggies for snacks, which I'm totally good with. I do that shit already.

You mean I get eight whole almonds?
It's my lucky day.

I listened to my body and quit the cleanse early. I was eating all of the food in the right order, even the damn cucumbers (blech, they're only tolerable with ranch), and I was shaky and hungry and in a shit mood the whole damn time. I had zero energy and I could barely keep my eyes open at work, much less put any effort into working out. 

Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound healthy.

I'm not gonna come out and say that all cleanses are bullshit, but I am gonna say that I'm not ever gonna do that shit again. Fuck that noise.


  1. My skin took on a gray tone when I did a detox before. It was similar to yours not powders or supplements. It was 3 day cleanse and I made it about a day and a half. I thought my organs were shutting down.

  2. I had great success with my 10 day green smoothie cleanse but I'm not sure I'd ever do it again because it was damn hard to only drink my meals for 10 days. I think it's best that you listened to your body, though.

    I also really do enjoy green smoothies. I throw spinach, pineapple, strawberries and a lime in mine and they are so yummy!

    This is also why I'll never enter a bikini competition or have a six pack. I like to eat, dammit. I like beer. I like chocolate.

  3. I tried a juice cleanse once.... I was going to bed at like 5 in the afternoon because I had zero energy and was so stressed out around food.... What a nightmare!! I don't know how people do it. Good for you for listening to your body!

  4. I am so with you. I have to listen to my body, and my body does not go for cutting out food groups or deprivation. Moderation in all things is what I go for, but I like to eat. It's a battle for sure.

    My friend just did a cleanse in which she was not ALLOWED to exercise for 21 days. How is it possible that something that gives you so little to fuel your body that you were unable to exercise is in any way healthy?

    I don't drink milkshakes...so boys are never in my yard.

  5. Ummm I'm scared of cleanses. Good for you for sticking to it but my family gets scared when I turn into the exorsist and start yelling in tongues cause I'm so dang hungry. True story.

  6. There are a lot of different cleanses, this one sounds pretty awful. Generally when I cleanse I jsut try to avoid anything processed, eat lots of veggies, and only eat lean protein. It seems to work okay for me, much better than the "I eat grass" bullshit cleanses.

  7. I feel like if you are eating right in the first place, then a cleanse isn't really going to do much for you. Just my opinion, though. Good for you for listening to your body and shutting that shit down. I do love me some green smoothies, though. I tend to put frozen berries in mine so they always end up a weird purplish gray. As long as I don't drink it out of a clear cup, its cool.

  8. First of all, I buy chia seeds and put them in my smoothie every morning (flax seed also... I'm an over achiever) and I don't remember them being that expensive. Or being made of unicorn dreams. But I mean honestly... they may be $10/pound, at a tablespoon at a time I don't think chia seeds are going to send you into bankruptcy. Plus, it cool to think that you may or may not have a Chia Pet growing inside of you. (twss?)

    Second of all, am I the only one curious about how this affected your bowel movements? Anyone?

  9. Thank you for being the tester and for letting us know we can move on ;) I need MEAT! But I am going to try the smoothie out :)

  10. Mannn, fuck that noise so hard. No meat = no deal for me.

  11. Yea, that soup makes me want to gag. Just say no to cleanses. HAHA!

  12. So glad you posted about this . . . I see all these cleanses in the blog world and think I'm a failure for not jumping on the band wagon but really, can't we just all eat real food and get along? I love that it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns for you, and you told us the honest truth!

    And you look amazing . . . I've been blog stalking since you first started, and I love how you keep it real! Your hard work IS paying off, and you are setting a great example for you son!

    Rock on sista!

  13. *slow clap* ....and this is why I love you!

  14. The fact that you said you want boys to come to the yard. LMFAO! I would not be able to do that cleanse. I'm not a veggie person. AdvoCare worked for me though... but I was able to eat food :)


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