Soft Kitty

What in the holy fuck is wrong with females? Last night I paid a ginger with a nose ring to pour hot wax on my hoo-ha and rip out my pubes without an ounce of remorse.

I paid her for that.




The night before, I paid an Asian woman who spoke very little English to point out the flaws in my feet and paint my toenails while jibbering in her native tongue to her coworker. Tonight I'm going to get a spray tan - and there will no doubt be a condescending teenager manning the front desk judging me while texting her douchebag boyfriend on a phone her parents paid for. 

Being a girl is a lot of work. This reminds me of "pretty week" in high school. It was the week the school receptionist told us we were most likely to get asked to prom, so my best friend and I dressed up in our finest clothes and did our hair and make up every day that week in an effort to get asked to prom con some poor soul into dating us - and on that Friday the guy I had a crush on asked me to go while we were making out in his mom's Camry. (Fuck yeah, pretty week worked.)

It feels like I'm doing an adult version of pretty week now. Maybe it's because in about 24 hours I'll have this godforsaken leg brace off and I'll feel back to normal (sort of). Maybe it's because I rarely do "pretty" stuff. Maybe it's because I kind of like doing "pretty" stuff. (Maybe it's because I have a crush on a guy just like I did when I commenced "pretty week" in high school.)


So back to the bikini wax. I've never had anything waxed except my eyebrows one time a hundred years ago. So, naturally I went for the Brazilian. Go big or go home, punk. Who doesn't want to have their lady lips waxed on an otherwise pleasant Tuesday evening?


Oh, no big deal. I'll just show my hairy beaver to a stranger, and then let her remove said hair in arguably THE most barbaric way possible. As if they knew it was an oxymoron, the facility was super modern with clean lines, frosted glass and a clinical meets massage parlor vibe, like paying top dollar to have your body hair ripped out is perfectly normal and absolutely an activity you should participate in, without question.

And JUST IN CASE you didn't realize (because I only recently learned this), a Brazilian is everything from your c-section scar to your back door. Everything. (That means your butthole too, guys.) I've never felt so vulnerable as I did when I got my butthole waxed, and that's the damned truth.

Surprisingly, it didn't hurt as badly as I thought it would. I did have the most painful surgical recovery of my life this month though, so by comparison it was like butterfly kisses. On my vajeen. I suppose it was worth it, because now it's smooth like buttah. Or like waxed punani (best band name ever).

Comments

  1. Oh the backdoor part... I remember it well. I got a Brazilian for my wedding and when the waxer told me to get on all fours I was like "well, she's already seen everything else anyway."

    The lengths we go to for pretty, I swear!

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  2. LOL! Too freaking funny! Thank you for the laugh!

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  3. I did this for the first time over the summer for a trip to the beach. I told my waxer when she asked me to flip and get on all fours that I felt like we were having a 'Fifty Shades of Grey' moment together. Ouch!!

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  4. Oh I look forward to your wise words every morning! OMG you CRACK ME UP!!!!

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  5. Ok, now I am sure I will never have a Brazilian done! Never! haha

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  6. The back door waxing is why I've never gotten a Brazilian! Thanks for the laugh this morning :)

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  7. The real question is, did you "trim the hedges" before you let the gardner in? LOL it's like those people that clean their house before the maid comes :)

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  8. I have been trying to work up the courage to get this done....I almost bought a Groupon and then I read the reviews and quickly put my credit card away. Apparently half priced wax = half assed job (pun intended).

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  9. LOL yep that about explains it. The back door is the best part because it's the last part! And it doesn't hurt at all, so you know the worst is over. :D Enjoy your shiny new hairless vajeen!

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  10. ha, I have tried it ONCE and dipped out about 1/4 of the way through. I was all, 'Um, yeah I'm good with the progress so far and need the pain to FUCKING STOP."

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  11. I. Am. Dying. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
    Oh I love you and you're vajazzled vajeen.

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  12. I get my eyebrows done, but have never done the Brazilian. Now I am pretty sure I am out and won't get one lol. Sounds like it would go pretty much like I thought.

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  13. I seriously have to stop reading your blog at work! I start to laugh really hard and then I try to stifle the laughing so that I don't bother my other co-workers. Well today you made spaghetti squash go up my nose.

    You crack me up girl!!!!!! Love it!!!!!!!!!!

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  14. OMG!!! I hope you drank more wine out of a plastic cup after this event because something like having your Kristi Yamaguchi waxed definitely calls for a high class drink afterwards. I'll definitely stick to my razor method!

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  15. So now I am definitely never getting a brazilian! Awkward!!

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  16. Best. Description. Ever. I am cracking up over here! And the "didn't fart" pic is hilarious. Now, you just need to find someone to share you new waxed vagazzle with. Don't keep all that buttery smoothness to yourself.

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  17. Thank you SO much for the laugh!! I'm dying over here!! I have been trying to work up the courage to get a brazilian but I chicken out every time!

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  18. Ha! I'm glad it didn't hurt as bad as you thought--personally, I think the 'outside' is way more painful than the 'inside' if ya know what I mean. Which is not what I would have expected at all! But...I don't see how women do it regularly when they're dating someone--my boyfriend's stationed somewhere else so on occassion its fine, but you have to let that shit grow out every time. I'm not down with that!

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  19. I have seriously thought about doing this, but had no idea about the backdoor part. I'm an idiot!

    Glad you got thru it!

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  20. o. m. g. i laughed the ENTIRE time reading this! i've always been scared/curious about the famed brazilian wax. now i know... :)

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  21. This is everything: I'll just show my hairy beaver to a stranger, and then let her remove said hair in arguably THE most barbaric way possible.

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  22. You friggin crack me up with all of your posts! This one is the best! And so true. I had my first Brazillian back in 2005 when I was living in Laredo TX. One of my local friends recommended a nice lady named Yoly. She was really nice when she had me on my hands and knees waxing my crack-saying "just a little cleanup". I was traumatized and in pain. When it grew back, it was the worst razor burn I've ever seen. Needless to say, I've been rocking the 70's retro bush ever since. F that. I'm way too wimpy. The things women do!!

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  23. You are far more brave than I am when it comes to your lady lips. Ammon has asked me before about waxing, and I just have him "that" look. I don't see him offering to remove all the hair around his dangly bits in brutal, waxy fashion...

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  24. Sooooo the big question is...now that the tenderness should be gone...put that smooth kitty to use yet!!? Lol

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