Every time I have a race coming up (eek Saturday!), as it gets closer I feel like I’m gonna pass out and shit my pants. Call it nerves. Call it crazy. Whatever.
So here’s the thing. I’m poopshy. That means I will wait you out if you come into the bathroom while I’m deucin’. If you come in and don’t realize I’m dropping the kids off at the pool and start your own battle with No.2, we’ll be in there until you crack under the pressure or one of us dies. I WILL win the battle.
For this reason, I always check under the stalls when I walk into the bathroom. I do it partly as a courtesy to others who may be poopshy like me and partly to scope out the joint to see if the mission is a go. On occasion, I forget to look as I’m walking in, so I have to crouch down and check when I’m already committed to a stall.
Like the other day.
I sat and realized I hadn’t secured the area, so I bent down to glance under all of the stalls. No problem, the coast is clear, which was a good thing because the train was coming no matter what. As I went to upright myself, my necklace got caught on the lacy part of my underwear and I was STUCK. My hands were fumbly and I couldn’t get un-stuck with the mounting pressure in my guts. Someone could come in and ruin my window of opportunity at any minute, so I did what anyone would do. Pants around my ankles, bent in half, connected by my necklace to my panties, I deuced it out.
Ain’t no shame in my game, bro.
Moral of the story: Just don’t wear underwear. I feel like a lot of problems could be solved that way.