Every time I have a race coming up (eek Saturday!), as it gets closer I feel like I’m gonna pass out and shit my pants. Call it nerves. Call it crazy. Whatever.
So here’s the thing. I’m poopshy. That means I will wait you out if you come into the bathroom while I’m deucin’. If you come in and don’t realize I’m dropping the kids off at the pool and start your own battle with No.2, we’ll be in there until you crack under the pressure or one of us dies. I WILL win the battle.
For this reason, I always check under the stalls when I walk into the bathroom. I do it partly as a courtesy to others who may be poopshy like me and partly to scope out the joint to see if the mission is a go. On occasion, I forget to look as I’m walking in, so I have to crouch down and check when I’m already committed to a stall.
Like the other day.
I sat and realized I hadn’t secured the area, so I bent down to glance under all of the stalls. No problem, the coast is clear, which was a good thing because the train was coming no matter what. As I went to upright myself, my necklace got caught on the lacy part of my underwear and I was STUCK. My hands were fumbly and I couldn’t get un-stuck with the mounting pressure in my guts. Someone could come in and ruin my window of opportunity at any minute, so I did what anyone would do.  Pants around my ankles, bent in half, connected by my necklace to my panties, I deuced it out.
Ain’t no shame in my game, bro.
Moral of the story: Just don’t wear underwear. I feel like a lot of problems could be solved that way.


  1. Seriously?! I may have just peed a little. I just laughed SO f#cking hard! Thanks for sharing, I needed a laugh today.

  2. holy sheep! That was hilarious!!
    I have no shame and no shyness what so ever! hehe and I purposely stay in the bathroom to bug the crap out of people (pun?) I put my makeup on, fix my hair, dawdle and just imagine you squirming and cursing me under your breath. hehe.

  3. Too too funny! I too will hold up the train if someone comes in mid departure.

  4. Omg I am laughing at my computer at work about poop. hah! And I'm glad I'm not the only person that's poopshy. Never knew the "official" name for it until now. I felt bad the other day when I was taking my time and primping in the long mirror in the bathroom....then I realized someone was in there waiting me out. I felt bad for stalling their train

  5. Ammon and I both ascribe to the theory of wearing no undies. Saves on laundry ;-)

    My worst nightmare is having to poop in a race, with no portapotty in sight.

  6. I have come close to death many a time when every bish AND her sister have come into the bathroom and I'm waiting them out. OMG. I have stood CLENCHED for what seems like eternity until they leave and it is painful and I break out into a sweat but here's the kicker........once they leave and I can finally do my thang.....silence. Not a peep, not a splash, nothing. I've almost killed myself for a silent poop. Say whaaaa???
    **too much?

  7. I'm still laughing at the mental picture of your necklace caught in your undies. Lolz I'm not poop-shy (totally read that as poop-shee at first), but I do hate it when someone chooses the stall right next to me to do their business. Fuck off Paula, there are seven other stalls to choose from!

  8. Holy shit!! This is the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time!!

  9. Dude, I dealt with digestive issues all through my college years of communal bathrooms. Nothing loo-related makes me nervous anymore.


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