Monday, December 30, 2013

Dear Douchehole

Dear Douchehole,

Yes, I'm nerdy. You knew that before you started talking to me. Thank you for calling me smokin' hot (more than once, even!), it's not generally how I would describe myself. It's too bad the compliment fell on deaf ears due to your continuous condescension. (Let me refresh you: "You're like, smokin' hot! But you're a nerd...") Is it cool to make fun of people for being in band in high school ten years after the fact? I wouldn't know, I don't hang out with bullies. Real talk, bro: People who give a shit about a person's social status in high school are not people I want to associate with, regardless of how muscular you are. 

The real bummer is that you totally would have gotten laid. I mean, those arms. Goddamn.

But not anymore, your personality killed it. Are you used to girls chasing you because of your body? Let me tell you something: I have a nice body, too. I've worked hard for it just like you have. Unlike you, it's not the only thing I have to offer. Your insecurity is showing, and it's not a good look.

You mentioned that you couldn't bear thought of having just one vagina for the rest of your life, and that's why your longest relationship has only been 2 months. Well, you're right about that, in a way, because that is literally the douchiest thing I've ever heard from a person I've known for 20 minutes. Any woman with half a brain would see through you and run away. I mean, shit. You have to hide the douche within for at least a little while. It's like you're not even trying.

I'm sure you'll be fine. You'll find a hot blonde who doesn't know who Captain Kirk is and who is excellent at essing your D soon. I'm not that girl, and you'll never know whether or not I'm good at using my DSLs. (Thank you for calling them that, though. Definitely appropriate for a first encounter with someone.) Do you find it shocking that I'm not interested in you? That your shitty personality is a deal breaker? That YOU would get turned down by a NERD? My vagina will not ever be a problem for you. You won't have it ever, much less for the rest of your life.

Argo fuck yourself,

Nerky Meg

17 comments:

  1. No amount of muscle would ever make up for that big of an ass! What a dick and I bet it was a small one at that!

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  2. Bahaha... you tell um! I always laugh when I hear the "one vagina for the rest of my life" bullshit. I'm stuck with one vagina for the rest of my life, and I think it's pretty damn awesome. The one penis I'm stuck with for the rest of my life ain't bad either. ; )

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  3. What a jerk! You deserve better than him and what Jenn said. He was probably underwhelming in that certain area!

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  4. Ha! Sorry you had to deal with that but wow it made me laugh. Some people are completely clueless!

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  5. Oh my gosh...how does he even get ONE vagina?! What the hell??

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  6. "SO SAY WE ALL!"

    Rock on Nerky, a guy who is hot AND smart will come around and see you for the awesome catch you are.

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  7. Dude?! He was dumb enough to not even fake it for the sake of getting laid? Dumbass. My nerdiness makes me even hotter to guys who know how to appreciate it. My hubs now finds it oddly fascinating that I can keep up with the boys on most nerd topics more than he can.

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  8. OMG THIS IS AMAZING! LOL WHAT AN ASSHAT! God these people seriously exist?!

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  9. Is there a correlation between percent body fat and douchebaggery? As one goes down the other goes up? Or maybe it's musculature. There are plenty of skinny boys that don't have that attitude. All that whey protein must be clogging that brain cell's access to his DSLs. Yep. I said it.

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  10. You write some cool shit. And I love following you here and on IG. But this... THIS is Goddamn genius. Every damn word was amazing. I loved it and I REALLY loved the line about high school. Seriously. You rock.

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  11. Hahaha THIS is why I love you! Please don't ever change your writing style, you're hilarious and honest and I love it!

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  12. I'm sure its really hard for him with all the pussy he must be drowning in. And, if he didn't have a huge tribal tattoo on his bicep, then he really isn't even trying.

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  13. This was so funny, and yeah dude it a moron. Please don't think all guys with muscles are like him. I played football for 20 years and I compete in smaller local bodybuilding shows, men's physique and my wife does fitness. There a lot of truly good people in the fitness industry that love helping others. Plus even muscle guys can be geeks, my wife and I love going to ComicCon and other types of Con's. Keep hope alive that a REAL man who has a brain with an IQ over 100 will get to know you. Great read though, still ROFLOL...

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