If I knew then

I posted this picture on Instagram a couple of weeks ago to astoundingly positive affirmation that I did, in fact, make the right choice to shed 70 pounds. Imagine that.



Now that I'm at 130 (sometimes) and a size 4 (always), my weight fluctuates and goes up and back down and I don't give two shits because I feel just as good about myself at 136 as I do at 130 because I worked hard for these results and succeeded. I weigh myself every now and then (usually on days I feel fat because I'm a masochist) just to keep it in check, but really every time I see one-thirty-whatever on my scale, I feel proud that I worked hard and learned how to be healthy and exercise properly.

If I knew back in high school what I know now about eating well, I would have never eaten a hard boiled egg and 5 saltine crackers for lunch because I wanted to keep my daily calorie intake under 500. I would have never skipped breakfast. I would have never binged on kit-kats and root beer alone in my bedroom because I was so hungry and addicted to sugar.

I'm not gonna go as far as to say I had an eating disorder, because I think that belittles the struggle of people who have a serious problem with anorexia or bulimia. I did have serious image issues that I'm still working to overcome.

Honestly, I wouldn't have cared about my weight if I knew then what I know now. Like most insecure teenagers, I thought thin equaled beautiful and I didn't see myself as thin because there were girls thinner than me. I didn't see that I had big boobs and a nice ass. All I saw were the fat rolls when I bent over and that my jeans weren't a size 1.

This is my stomach now, after gaining and losing 70 pounds of fatty fat AND having a kid.
Not too shabby, y'all. Flaws and all.

I weigh now about what I weighed back then, but I've put my body through a lot in the mean time. My stomach still rolls when I bend over, but it's a far cry from what it was 2 years ago, and honestly it's better now than it was in high school because there's muscle under there. My fat still jiggles when I run or dance, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that notices. I'm confident that I worked hard to get to where I am and I like being soft. You'll never see me with a six pack (unless it's beer) because I like having a feminine shape. I'm no longer the shy, insecure girl that compares herself to other women and I haven't been for a while.

Sure, I still have insecurities, but everyone does, so whatever. How about we build each other up instead of cutting each other down? I rarely have a problem with negativity here, but when I do have someone say mean things that attack my integrity, choices, friends, parenting style or whatever (and don't EVEN go there with my kid - you can kindly fuck off because I will go straight-up mama bear on you), it hurts my feelings just like it would hurt yours. A lot of other bloggers who put themselves out there have full-on consistent haters just like mean girls in high school. Isn't it crazy, this internet-driven world we live in when you can discreetly lurk around people who intimidate you and post negative, mean comments based in hate and insecurity with confident anonymity? It's cowardly. Let's start with giving each other a little bit of respect - you never know what someone has actually been through or is currently going through. Everyone will be much happier in the long run, and isn't that what life is about - being happy?

Comments

  1. Great post! and I'm totally jealous of that belly! Good job!

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  2. I love this post! I agree that everyone is fighting some sort of battle so we should all be a little nicer.

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  3. You look amazing. Thanks for being honest and sharing your story.
    I wish I had started exercising/eating right many moons ago because it would be like normal to me now. It's hard. It sucks. I need a good kick in the ass.
    xoxo
    Rachel

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  4. Love everything about this post!!! I totally wish I could go back and talk to my high school self who decided to lie about my weight on my driver's license at 16 years old because i thought I needed to lose 5 pounds....who cares about the number! I agree with you, I've put my body through a lot but I'm actually happy with it now and hope I can instill some of my life lessons in my daughters so they don't fall victim to the "thin culture". Keep up your thang girl, I love stalking you :)

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  5. Love this. And your stomach. When mine looks like that ima be naked all the time. let them try to stop me.

    The hate and internet bullying in the blogging community baffles my damn mind.

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  6. Love this post girl! Well said! You look amazing!

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  7. Amen! to the last part....and you look fantastic mama bear!

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  8. We must have been on the same wavelength today. My post was all about the mean girls on the internet.

    I went through a season, I think in high school, possibly middle school, where I ate 5 fat free crackers and an orange at lunch.

    W. T. F.

    So sad.


    You look beautiful and are such an inspiration!!

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  9. LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. I can't wait to have a stomach like yours.

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  10. Did we all do that?
    Diet sprite and 1 apple, 1 orange.
    bowl of rice for dinner.

    Seriously set me up for a long struggle (and still) of what real normal healthy people are supposed to eat.

    and the haters?
    Mama always said 'if you don't have anything nice to say.....'

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  11. You just encompassed so many of my favorite points from things we talked about at the beer run. About the incredibly extremes we put our body through. Women being feminine. Haters, and why they feel the need to hate (although we got distracted by the Cheer sign at that point, which was unfortunate and fortunate at the same time).

    You are a badass, and if anyone doesn't believe that, point them my way. I will set the record straight for them.

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  12. Very well said. There are always people that want to cut others down usually cause they are unhappy themselves. Don't let there unhappiness bring you down

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  13. Great post! I'm currently working towards losing about 70lbs myself....

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  14. Awesome. I am currenlty drinking coke..out of habit and boredom..Just read this and I feel shame.
    you are so right. ..need to put the fork away to see results...

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