Frisky Friday: The Avengers

It's about to get nerky up in here. You've been warned.

You know how when you're watching a movie and all you can think about is "DAYUM I'd like him/her to slam me up against the wall and have his/her way with me in a rough, visceral, no holds barred moment of spontaneity"?

Yeah, me too. (Don't. Even. Lie.)

So it got me a-wonderin', along with every female and gay male viewer ever, what would it be like to know The Avengers? You know. Know The Avengers. This here is serious business, folks. Let's just start with the main four from the movie. Ain't nobody got time for accessory Avengers.


Captain America. Good ol' Steve. He's the star-spangled man with a plan. This is the man you marry. He's polite, respectful and reliable. He probably won't beg you to do any crazy shit in bed involving 2 pounds of jello and a saddle. He's a good guy, but I maintain that he's kind of...boring. Would a little jello hurt? Just a little?


Thor. That's an awfully big hammer you have there. And Mjolnir's pretty big, too. (I had to.) Thor is super muscular and kind of a doof. He's like an alien/God version of a gym bro - has no idea how to treat a woman and just lumbers around swinging his hammer. Too bad all of his blood is in his biceps, not that being muscular is bad. (I mean, damn.) If anyone could lift you up against the wall, it's Thor. Too bad it would be like a jackhammer. I suppose there are worse Avengers to take a pounding from. 


The Incredible Hulk. Or wait, should it be mild-mannered Bruce Banner?


I feel like the bipolarity here is bad news bears, I mean, unless you're into getting beaten to a pulp by an out of control green giant, which you shouldn't be. Bruce Banner would bring you genetically modified daisies because he knows they're your fave and he's a scientist that can make that sort of thing, and then in the next moment the Hulk would Hulksmash the vase and throw you through a window. It's not a healthy balance.


Iron Man/ Tony Stark. Lezbehonest, he's a total douchhole. He's the kind of guy you have fun with, but don't expect any commitment. It sure would be fun, though. There's something to be said for experience, amirite? I suppose he did put his big boy underwear on and finally settle down with Pepper, but I still think he's an asshole at his core. May the Force be with you if you're into assholes. (I feel like there's an excellent buttsex joke here.) Been there, dated that. No thanks.

I think, ideally, you'd want a mix of these four. I'll take Cap's chivalry, Thor's arms, Hulk's spontaneity and Iron Man's...charisma (ifyouknowwhatimean). Am I wrong? Which Avenger would you want to "know"?

That's enough fangirling for one day. Time to go be an adult now.

Comments

  1. This post is hilarious! And for the most part I totally agree with you! However, I think Thor would be go to Avenger! His barbaric ways would make me feel like a dirty, dirty girl!!! (youknowwhatimean)!!

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  2. I agree with Tammi on this, Thor would be my go to guy. There is just something about him. Maybe his confidence and his "let me take care of it." attitude, which means he is going to get the job done for you. Not leaving you high and dry, and I know you know what I mean here!!

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  3. Angela (@Spamgela twitter and @Cookiemomster IG)January 24, 2014 at 9:07 AM

    um, i thought we had agreed on Black Widow and Hawkeye being included in this. and Coulson, and Fury and OMG WHY DID YOU LEAVE OUT LOKI??????

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  4. LOL at Angela. Loki.. yumm! From the 4 you posted I totally agree to a mashup, but there's something to be said about Bruce Banner pre-hulk. He's got the super smart super sexy thing going on, and as long as there's no fighting to be had, I think he'd be my go to choice. :)

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  5. No kidding on the mashup of all 4. That would be the perfect guy. Oh throw in a little of Loki's devilish charm too!

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  6. Black Widow. Cause I have a penis & a thing for redheads.

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