Frisky Friday: Gutter Mind

Yanno what pisses me off a little bit? (Teensy rant ahead. It's been a ranty week.) The fact that I can't wear my pearls without thinking about man juice.

I love pearls. My name means pearl. Pearls are my absolute favorite kind of jewelry because they're classy as fuck and they're simple. It's super ironic too, because I'm allergic to the shellfish they come out of. Yeah, bitch. I'm walkin' on the wild side with my death pearls.


The thing is, it's not just my scumbag brain. Everyone around me is snickering at my pearl necklace, too. FUCK YOU ALL, I'm still wearing it. AND earrings. Sans clam sauce, ifyouknowwhatimean

And since we're on the topic, I can never, ever say, "I'm coming!" or any variation of the word without turning beet red and giggling like a 12 year old boy. THANKS OBAMA. (I'll take "Most awkward time to use the THANKS OBAMA joke" for $800, Alex.) It doesn't matter how innocuous the conversation or setting is, if you say you're coming and the person you're talking to doesn't make an orgasm joke, then you clearly need to reevaluate the people you associate with.

Related: Thanks for ruining whistles, Flo Rida. And don't even get me started on eating a banana in public.

Clearly I need therapy. Tell me it's not just me.

Comments

  1. All the random thoughts that run through my head all day- you just wrote down.

    Love it!

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  2. absolutely true! And don't forget about anything 'magic'.
    Hubs (not a native english speaker) gets surprised when I smirk or chuckle when he says something that I've taken completely into the gutter when he says it innocently enough. I can't help it if the gutter is a more fun place to let conversations go than not?

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  3. Crying laughing....sans clam sauce!! Love it!

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  4. Oh you NEVER fail to make me cry laugh! Love ya!

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  5. I love my pearls and I'll wear them errday, IDGAF. Most of the older women I work with don't really get the reference, though, so I have to count on my boyfriend for that. Anyway, your dress is super cute in that photo and it is a good thing your friends have you around to class them up a bit. :)

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  6. Nope. Every time I say the word Dick's... as in the sporting goods store. I BURST out laughing. Gah, we need to hang. ASAP.

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  7. Yep, you just summed it up in a "nut" shell

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  8. I had never heard of the Pearl necklace thing until I was dating Ammon. And it has ruined all of my most favorite necklaces. Also, at work, I can only eat bananas in chunks... our maintenance department at the complex is especially vulgar.

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  9. My husband says I'm the worst at making stuff dirty. If it can be made dirty, my mind is going to go there.

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