We're 6 days into 2014, are you a resolutioner? That's what douchebags like me call the newbies at the gym in January. I'm not talking about people who workout regularly but maybe didn't hit the gym as much over the holidays, I'm talking about first-timers. Sometimes I get annoyed that all the blasted stair-climbers are taken. It's because I'm mildly inconvenienced by people who are just trying to make good choices for their lives.

Why? Because I'm an asshole sometimes. I forget that I was once a resolutioner. I forget that there was a time when I wouldn't go near the squat rack, and big-fat-FUCK trying to do a pull up in front of people.

That was years ago. Now I walk into the gym with my big girl panties on (or sometimes no panties, heyooo) and hit the weights because I want to have a nice ass when I prance around in my bikini this summer. (Or maybe it's because I ate my weight in chips and queso last night.) WHATEVER, the point is that I'm sorry for briefly being an asshole in my head. I like that you're in the gym - maybe we can be workout buddies one day. I'll see you in bodypump, betch.

A year after I took the picture on the left, which I was too ashamed to even get my whole body in, I took the one on the right. There's a 48 pound difference, hooks. (And a spray tan, obv.)

Tips for Resolutioners (Just the tip):

- Set attainable goals. It's easy to get burnt out if you expect to lose 50 lbs overnight. It's just not gonna happen. Try working out 10% harder than you did the last time you were at the gym, whether that be increasing the weight, reps, distance, etc. Couch to 5k is awesomesauce if you want to get into running.

- Realize that weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym. If you're still eating fried chicken for every meal, you're gonna have a bad time.

- Try the classes. There are always people of all fitness levels in them. Maybe you'll meet a friend! Accountability is key. I always have a better workout where I push myself harder when I workout with a buddy.

- Reward yourself, but not with food. Set up a plan for rewards when you hit milestones. Once you hit 5 pounds lost, get yourself a new gym shirt. Or maybe when you run your first mile without stopping, get yourself a cool new water bottle. DO NOT reward yourself with cheesecake. It's counterproductive. 

To get a personal trainer or not to get a personal trainer?

Back when I had no idea what I was doing, I paid for a trainer. I went through three of them and I found them all to be grossly condescending. After all, I'm a human being asking paying for help, not a petulant child.

I still learned from each of them, but I found that the cost outweighed the benefit. I learned more from doing my own research, and I was never made to feel like a fuckup. I read blogs written by people similar to me and tried what they were doing. (I still do that.) It's a constant process and I'm a work in progress. So all that said, I think personal trainers are worth a shot, but don't put all of your faith in their magic touch. In the end, your health is your responsibility, not theirs.

But what gear do you need?

Back when I started at the gym, I had old t-shirts and yoga pants because they were comfortable on my jiggly ass. I didn't have fancy running shoes. I didn't have a spibelt or energy gu or a foam roller or a fitbit or weight lifting gloves or one of those watches that measures your calorie burn. (Still don't, except the spibelt and good shoes.) You don't need any of that. Sure, it can be helpful, but it's a luxury. How about instead of running out and spending a fortune now, you reward yourself with a cute new tank top with a sassy phrase on it in March if you've stuck with your plan? Or if you're a dude, a manly new shirt with some sports team on it.

Skinny bitches at the gym.

Listen. I get it. I think I fall in this category now, but it wasn't always this way. I always felt like the skinny bitches that weren't even sweating on the elliptical were judging the everliving shit out of my fat ass when I was huffing along on the bike in my XL tshirt soaked in blood, sweat and tears. Or when I had to stop after 3 sit-ups. Or when I used level 4 on the treadmill and thought I was running, and even then couldn't keep it up for longer than a minute. The reality? Nobody in the gym gives a shit about what you're doing. Nobody is counting your reps. Nobody will notice what level you're on on the treadmill. Everyone is so into themselves that they barely notice you, unless you're on the machine they want, and even then they don't notice you, they just notice that the machine is in use. Boom.

The point is, you're on the right track.

High five!


  1. Bloggers definitely have as good or better workouts than most personal trainers. It is a fact. Also a fact is that I love high fives. Thank you for making my Monday morning.

  2. This is the most motivating thing I have read in probably forever!!! I feel so intimidated at the gym or in classes thinking that all the skinny girls are watching me.... so encouraging the hear thats not the case. you seem so real and give real advice! Reading your blog today made me realize that I need to stop the excuses and do what needs to be done so I can be a happy healthy ME !!!!

  3. I have been working out regularly for 3 years now and I get the same way at first... then I realize I should be happy for the newbies... like you said we were all newbies at one point... and I still get mad at the skinny bitches, but its the ones that come to the gym to socialize and not sweat... you are not one of those, so you are good... I know you still bust your ass at the gym... I just get bothered by people who go and don't try hard. They are going to say they went to the gym.. even though they don't burn any more calories than they would gossiping at home on the phone! Those are the skinny ones I don't like... the skinny ones that bust their ass? I try to note what they do so I can look like them one day too! :)

  4. Such a great post! And amen to the part about people not caring what you are doing in the gym, they are caring about themselves. I remember getting on a machine and trying to act like I was setting the weights higher than I anyone could even see what poundage I was moving?? hah! I think I will always get a touch of insecurity when I hit the gym but it's nothing like it was when I first joined. I didn't even step in the weight room for weights, just the treadmill.

  5. So you're saying I shouldn't have had that cheesecake after I did the shred last night? Damn Aunt Flo and her cravings! Just kidding, I know better and I know I feel better. Maybe someday I'll have a fancy gym membership, but for now I'm just toning the ass jiggle at home.

  6. Thank you. I need this whole post. (Of course, I coulda used the resolution setting tips last week, but...) I often wonder that just because I can't afford a trainer, am I actually going to succeed. Or because I can't afford a gym membership. Etc. Thanks for bringjng everything back down to earth.

  7. I've been looking forward to today for week ... after being sick and then the holiday hustle and bustle, today is the first day back to the regular routine. I'm SO lucky with my home gym, I don't have any crowds to contend with. I'm not really changing anything, just getting back to the routine and plugging along!

  8. love this post! the gym is so intimidating sometimes. it shouldn't be, but if it gets in my head, i have a hard time getting it out.

  9. Angela (@Spamgela twitter)January 7, 2014 at 6:46 AM

    Hopefully by the time my rotator cuff is healed they'll be off their phones and off my treadmill!

  10. You look great in your bikini now, chick!

    Not that you DO follow my blog (girl, you better!! LOL) , but if you did (Stewart Street) then you will need to refollow. Google screwed up my renewal and it basically became impossible for me to keep without purchasing for $ my new blog address is and you can follow on Bloglovin here.

    Happy Almost Friday!


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