Frisky Friday: Match.com

I signed up for Match.com a couple of months thinking I should give it the good ol' college try before writing off online dating completely. I had quite the experience with OKCupid and told myself that online dating is just a bad idea all around unless you only want the D. (Or the P.)

But then I thought, OKCupid is a free site that any creeper can join. You have to pay to be on Match. That should significantly weed out the assclowns, both male and female. Seemed like sound logic. I went for it - 3 months at $20/month, which they charge you up front and will auto-renew unless you weed through the settings and figure out how to turn it off. (Just, yanno, a friendly reminder.) It seemed like a reasonable investment.

Y'all. Y'all. I found more douchecanoes on Match than on OKCupid and the gym during a bro-down combined. Maybe it's a sense of entitlement since you're paying for the service. Why put the effort into building a pseudorelationship via witty email banter a la "You've Got Mail" when you can just cut to the chase? U DTF? Cool. Tis the generation for cheap drinks and one night stands.

Did you see this movie? I really liked it.

It wasn't all bad. It was actually fun for a while, getting a new message, wink, like, etc. from someone. The attention and positive affirmation was nice. It's an ego boost, especially for a former fat kid like me. (Omg this boy thinks I'm pretty!) It's the actual dates I went on that were shit. It's the realization that these guys weren't who they said they were. I probably wasn't either. You can be whoever you want to be on the internet, honestly. Real talk: In person, if I don't know you, I'm shy, quiet and reserved. (Unless, alcohol.) I know you don't believe me. We'll just test that theory when we meet, mk? 

I will continue to believe that real relationships can't be fabricated from the highlight reel of your qualities listed in an online dating profile. Maybe I'm the naive one, thinking people use websites to find actual relationships as opposed to one night stands. Who knows. Either way, I've made some pretty terrible choices lately and need a break from the D drama.

Question: Is there a template on how to write an online dating profile that everyone is following? A few redundancies in just about every profile, ever:

"I love grabbing a drink with friends, and I enjoy a chill night in too!" VAGUE. Who doesn't like beer with friends? Who doesn't like sitting in pjs, eating pizza and not giving a fuck? Let's be more specific here.

"I love music!" *Proceeds to list every band, ever* Yeah, I'm not reading your list of favorite bands. Are you gonna act all elitist when I tell you I like Maroon 5 and Britney Spears? Thanks but no thanks, bro.

Some sort of mention about being able to play a musical instrument, especially the guitar. LOL. Does this work?

Pictures of you with a girl. Uuuhhhhmmmm so is that your ex girlfriend or what? Pro tip: Crop that B out because every girl looking at your pictures is assuming you're not over your ex, not that it's clearly your sister because you share the same unibrow.

Man Selfies. Somehow selfies are more socially acceptable if they're of a female. It's sexist, but totally true. Probably because we're prettier. (Yeah, that's it.) Caveat: Man selfies are allowed if they're funny.

"I like to run Katy Trail, bike around White Rock, *insert other outdoorsy/athletic activity at a landmark in your city*!" It doesn't seem like this would be cliché, but it becomes that way when it's listed in all the profiles. I guess it sounds cooler than "I run the same 4 miles around my neighborhood every morning, hating every step" or "I use the bike at the gym so I can watch Dancing with the Stars at the same time", but is it as honest?

Maybe I'm a douche magnet. Maybe I'm a douche. Either way, I'm done with it. I'm gonna be those things solely IRL from now on. Come at me, bros.

Comments

  1. I wish I had a blog during the time me and all my friends tried our hands at online dating. Omg it's awful but it sure is entertaining. I think you should share some dating "wtf"s from your match dates!

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  2. AMEN!!!!!! The stories I could tell about OKCupid and Match. It is so frustrating...and then you hear about people that actually get married...how in the HELL does that happen??? Maybe like you, I am just a douche magnet. But honestly, the whole thing is so disheartening. What's a girl gotta do do get a decent date around here...wait, don't answer that!

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  3. LOL...well it works for some, but they're a lot of toads out there as well. Ekkkk.

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  4. Awwww, don't give up! I was on and off Match for 2 years and finally found my amazing man on Match last year. I know it's tough and it sucks. I gave up every damn month when my renewal was up but something always drew me back in. Honestly, his profile was exactly who he was, too. I honestly don't think you'll find anymore doucecanoe's on match than you would in a bar. Don't give up! Maybe just take a break and try again in a few months.

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  5. I have been divorced since this past summer, and I am honestly terrified of getting back out there in the dating scene. I hated it when I did it before! I'm moving back to the Dallas area, so hopefully, your stories aren't how the majority of men will be!

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  6. I think a great idea would be listing what you actually listed above as your hobbies on the site! It's funny, real, and unexpected. You might be surprised at what happens! Good luck :)

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  7. Using "chill" as an adjective constitutes grounds for automatic disqualification from dating consideration, IMO. That shit is never okay.

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  8. Ok so I actually met my husband on Match.com. I had been doing it for about 9 months or so and had some AWFUL dates....I actually was going to not go back on and just let my subscription expire but my mom convinced me to give it one more try...and now husband was my next and last match.com date. I know it sounds really corny. He went through similar situation, a lot of bad dates, wrong people, and he was going to give up as well but decided to try again.
    So it does work. Its not for everyone and you have to go on ALOT of bad dates, a lot of ok dates and maybe get your hopes up a few times only to have them knocked back down.

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  9. I think it's just that it's harder for everyone once we're older than...college age. It's just hard to meet people! I mean, in high school they're built in, in college you're "hanging out" all the time, but after? What then?

    And the Katy Trail - totally in my neck of the woods! :)

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  10. I randomly tried eharmony and I met my husband on there who is totally non douchey. He was tired of the girls he met at bars and decided to try it. :) I also went out with one other really non douchey guy on there right before I met my husband

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  11. I was on the site for a month

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