Just a little jaunt to the hospital, NBD

Last week I spent a day in the hospital to make absolute sure I'm not pregnant because every time I would eat, my stomach would balloon out like I was at least 20 weeks up the spout.

These pictures were taken the SAME DAY. 
First thing in the morning vs. after eating a totally normal, nothing special about it, turkey sandwich at lunch.

It's called gastroparesis and I has it. It means that my stomach is partially(?) paralyzed and not doing what it's told. Food goes in and around my mouth, down my pipes and into my stomach where it just hangs out for a while. As in, days. 

I know what you're thinking, and it's not a matter of pooping. I've pooped once a day since this whole debacle started. Eventually small amounts of food will squeeze on down through my intestines, but it's more out of building pressure that the food moves than my guts doing what they're supposed to. I have an endoscopy scheduled for this week and I've been on a liquid diet and meds to force my stomach to "squeeze" since last Wednesday in an effort to empty it as much as possible. Whatever's left in there, they get to suck out (twss).

It would be really easy for me to just drink milkshakes all day. Doc said I can have them - I'm not limited to water and chicken broth. But I don't. I read every label and try my hardest to get as much protein as possible to stay full. I try to limit sugar, but lezbehonest, that's really hard to do with these pre-made shakes and juices. Also, for the record, I haven't been what I'd call "winning at life" over the past week, and a little sugar makes me feel good (spoken like a true addict). SUE ME.

So I thought I'd do a review of some of the dranks I've been drankin'. Real talk: I've lost 7 pounds in a week. It's pretty fackin' easy to hit calorie and protein goals when cheeseburgers and cake are no longer an option. (Note to self: I wonder what a pureed cheeseburger is like?)

Ensure High Protein shakes in the chocolate flavor (far left) are my fave. 25g protein. 210 calories. 5g sugar. Hit me with that all day long, son.

Ensure, or the Walmart brand equivalent, Nutritional Shakes Plus in chocolate are my second fave, but they're severely lacking by comparison. 13g Protein. 350 calories. 22g sugar. For the ridic amount of sugar in these, it should taste like a muhfuckin' Cadbury egg and it sure. does. not. I'm sticking with the high protein shakes (but I'm still totally gonna finish the box I bought of these. Ain't no sense in wastin' 'em.) The strawberry ones don't taste too bad either, but chocolate is better. (Duh.)

And, vanilla? Pshhh ain't nobody got time fo' dat. Unless you're a vanilla person. (And by that, I mean BORING. (Just kidding. You do you, baby.))

Those Ensure Clear Nutritional Drinks (far right) taste like somebody chewed up a strawberry, swallowed it, vommed it back up and bottled it for your drinking pleasure. THE WORST. (9g protein, 18g sugar, 180 calories)

And lastly, Bolthouse Farms makes some good shit. The Green Goodness juice is SO SWEET and tasty. I water it down a bit to make it perfect. It has a ton of sugar in it, but it's all fruit sugar so I feel better about drinking this as opposed to, say, a milkshake. For an 8oz serving, it has 2g protein, 140 calories and 30g sugar.The Vanilla Chai Tea protein drink is also SO GOOD - 9g protein, 180 calories and 26g sugar in an 8oz serving.

You do really have to watch the sugar and calories with these. It's not AS big of a deal in my case, because these liquids are my only source of calories for the time being, but for someone on a regular diet they could be huge calorie-sucks. They might be a nice treat, though. Maybe try subbing out your nightly bowl of ice cream for the Vanilla Chai Tea protein drink.

It's too easy to act all woe is me about this dumbass weird illness. I ain't about that life. I'll adjust, figure out what I need to do to change - whether it be surgery, changing my diet or taking medication for the rest of my life (that right there is my least ideal option) - and move forward with optimism and a smile. Plus, beer is a liquid that I'm happy to indulge in during the interim. I mean, it was basically prescribed to me. Come at me, Ruby Redbird.

Life is too short and crazy and beautiful to be negative. I got this, bro.


  1. Yikes! Hope this works itself out asap but you have a very healthy attitude about it! ((Healing thoughts))

  2. Hope you feel better and they figure this all out for you!!!!!!!!!

  3. I love the bolthouse farm chai drink but, I save it for when I really want something sweet. Hope your doctor's get you fixed up fast :)

  4. Thanks for the review! I need guidance lol.

    My sister's sister-in-law has gastroparesis =/ I finally kind of understand what it is. Good luck with it Nerk!

  5. Once on a dare, I drank a "milkshake" that was really a McDonald's happy meal mixed together: cheese burger, fries, and a coke. I don't recommend it, to say the least. Hope you are feeling better soon!

  6. I hope you get answers quick! Many prayers to you!

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