More unicorn kisses, please

I'm not gonna act like having a kid is all rainbows and unicorn kisses. I love my kid with every fiber of my being, but sometimes he's a little twat. This usually happens when he skips naptime. Like yesterday.

To be fair, we had Sonic for dinner and fast food always makes me a little bit short-tempered and ragey. Surprise, I eat fast food sometimes. It's maybe 2-3 times a month, and it's almost always Sonic because they have grilled cheese and tater tots, my son's two favorite food groups.

This kid, though. He was actin' a fool last night. Throwing his toys around in the car. Grunting at me instead of using words. Then he'd pepper in some cute stuff, like having a gigglefest when we rode the escalators up and down. Going to the mall to ride the "escavators" up and down and up and down is his favorite thing in the world right now, so I take him maybe once a week. We also always stop in the Lego store to play with the Legos they have out, too. Cheap thrills. Sometimes when he's extra cute or good or I'm feeling generous, he also gets a new toy.

Side note: The Lego store is my favorite place in the mall. The staff is always so nice. They build things with my son and ask him questions. They can (and will) talk about Star Wars at great length. They know the DC and Marvel superheroes. These are my people. One day I will buy the expensive-as-fuck-but-totally-worth-it-probably R2-D2. One day.

So he wants to go to Build a Bear after the Lego store. I shouldn't have succumbed. He was being an asshole, but I knew it was just because he was tired. It wasn't his fault, right? Wrong. It's not okay to be an asshole, ever. And he will learn. Except that I still bought him a teddy bear because nobody is a perfect, shining example of impeccable parenting. Whatever. He had to have it in the store, then he didn't want it when we got home. Figures. He'll see his Captain A-bear-ica tomorrow when he's in less of a dillhole mood and probably love it.

So we get home and he's exhausted. He threw a fit. And then another fit. And then another fit. Seriously, kid? Let's just do ourselves a favor and call it a day. I'm feeling like I want to punch some kittens because the fast food fog has set in, and he's starting to look a lot like a kitten. (I kid. I would never punch my child. (In the face.))

He gets up. I put him back to bed. He gets up. I put him back to bed. Come freakin' on, kid. Finally, I sprawl out on his racecar bed and he climbs on top of me, wraps his arms around me, lays his head down in the space between my shoulder and head and falls asleep within a minute. See what I mean about the cute? It's like all the asshole-itude is totally forgiven because all he wanted was for his mommy to hold him. I mean, seriously. Melt my cold, steel heart, why don't you. So I lay there for a few minutes making sure he's really asleep and slowly begin to inch out from under him. Very, very slowly. Any change in breathing and I freeze - you know how it is. Everything is on the line here, the child musn't know I'm leaving. After a solid 5 minutes of stress and snail-speed movement, I'm free. Just in time to go to sleep at a reasonable hour to do it all over again tomorrow. Minus the fast food rage.

Moral of the story: Don't eat fast food if your kid hasn't napped.


  1. Angela (@Spamgela twitter and @Cookiemomster IG)April 3, 2014 at 7:46 AM

    Muahahahaha! I knew it was coming, now I get to sit back and watch and laugh and laugh and laugh!

  2. I don't know what mother hasn't wanted to punch, push, or bite their own kid. But that's the sign of a good Mom not acting on such. I totally understand. My son is 3 and there are some nights I want to lock him up in his room. He usually makes up for it by being absolutely adorable.

  3. This was my night last night, except my diva is a girl. I wanted to hurl objects at the wall while dealing with her. OH! And I'm 38 weeks pregnant, so yeah. :) I didn't kill her. We all survived and even got a bath.... sorta.

  4. LOVE it! I am so happy you are blogging again. I can totally relate. Since you are a Star Wars fan you might love my son's name : Wedge :)

  5. Ahh, I remember those days. Now, my boy is almost 14 and I still at times want to punch him in the face! :)

  6. haha! great post! every mom in America can relate!

  7. It only gets worse...From the moment my oldest son turned 12 it was like my ex husband moved back into our house. Looks like him, sounds like him, acts like him,argues with me like him. I could go on and on. I even told him once . ..(I left your dad for a reason, stop talking to me like that before I divorce you too!) Haha. Mom of the year right here. Luckily he laughed and got the point.

  8. This mothering sucks sometimes!! I feel your pain!!

  9. So much yes to this! My kid is a little shit too. But knows just the right moments to bust out the sweetness.


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