Frisky Friday: Nerky_Meg

Y'all know I don't online date. I tried it, failed it, moved on. I read this post by Single Dad Laughing (birds of a feather) and lol'd at his charm and wit, checked to see if he lives in Dallas (he doesn't), ruled him out and wondered if maybe I was being an asshole about online dating because there are probably at least a few good guys on dating sites. Maybe one of them is Tom Hiddleston. (I'm willing to travel.)

And then I decided nah, I'm not the asshole. It's a numbers game and I'm just not about that life. What's the cost/benefit here? It costs my time and I rarely benefit. True story: My online dating name was buckfurpees. False story: I hate burpees. (See what I did there? Because I kinda like burpees.)

Maybe therein my problem lies. My whole profile was based on a lie - burpees are perfectly fine and a totally legit workout. So here's my honest online dating profile.

Profile Picture:
I like cake. 

User name: Nerky_Meg
My Headline: I'm nerdy, but not like middle-aged overweight trekkie living in my mom's basement totally catfishing you nerdy. More like into Marvel movies, Harry Potter, Star Wars and likes to learn new things nerdy. And I like to use words that make me sound smarter than I am like "viscous" and and "entropy" because I'm an intellidouche.
Age: 27, about to be twenty-GREAT
Body type: Petite and I worked damn hard to get here. Curvy/athletic/thin but I still jiggle a little when I jump or run because I eat pizza too much. USTA BE FAT THO.
Height: Petite, but this is more due to my genes. 5'2".
Kids: I have one boss toddler who is awesome and everything I live for, so if that's a dealbreakah, then stop here. BYE FELICIA. 
Wants kids: I meannnnnnnnnnnn not really. I want the one I have, but I'm not interested in having another one squirted into my belly. We'll see though. It's less of a "no" and more like a "not right now because I'm a single parent barely making ends meet as it is so let's just pipe the fuck down with baby talk".
Pets: One (pomeranian) guard dog. Fiercely loyal and fiercely cute.
Race/Ethnicity: White and other. I look whiter than white, but I'm totally part Puerto Rican. I guess that explains dat ass. (That and squats.)
Faith: I have a tattoo that says "faith" even though I haven't decided what religion, if any, I follow. I'm edgy like that. Generally I try not to be an asshole and expect other people to not be assholes as well.
Smoke: Cigarettes, right? I tried once and I just can't because I don't understand how to breathe something that isn't air. On purpose? How? Why? I can't. Also I think cigarette smoke smells gross and if you're a smoker, then I'm not interested. 
Drink: Yes, but not really that much because I'm an adult with a full time job, a kid, and it's terrible for you. That doesn't make me lame, it makes me realistic. Too busy livin' to be drunk all the goddamn time. I'll have a beer on the patio on a warm summer night, though. Hint.
What you're looking for: A hilarious, intelligent, ridiculously good-looking (let's not pretend that looks don't matter) manly man who also likes Star Wars and fitness to be my +1 when I go out with friends or to the movies. We will have inside jokes and spend a lot of time doing silly, stupid shit because it's fun, and life is too short to have a stick up your ass about dressing up for Halloween or whatever.

Also I have an amazing kid, so you're gonna have to embrace that.

About me: I love to laugh. I'm a jerk when I'm hungry and I'm not myself until I've had a cup of coffee or a hot shower in the morning. It doesn't have to be both - one or the other will do.

I'll say yes if you ask if I want a cheeseburger, but none of that fast food horse shit. I want a burger from a place where they ask you how you want it cooked, and the proper answer is "medium well". I'll also accept "medium". 

I get mad when people don't drive with purpose at rush hour. I'm an artist, but not in a pretentious way. I mostly draw and paint cartoons. I workout a lot, also not in a pretentious way. I just like being fit, mkay?

I HATE when you assume I can't do something just because of my size, gender, skin color, hair color, etc. You think I can't reach something on a tall shelf? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED MOTHERFUCKER. I have a stepladder and arms.

My Interests: Cool shit. If it's interesting, I'll probably be interested regardless if it falls under the fitness, artist, bitchin' single mom, nerd umbrella. But those things I just listed are my general interests.

Six things I can't live without: 
My phone, for taking selfies. The internet, for uploading selfies. My glasses, for viewing my selfies. A mirror, for checking myselfie out. My phone charger, because what if it dies. Chapstick.

Favorite Movie/Band/TV Show/Song/Color/Brand of toilet paper: I'm not answering these because what if you're a Charmin and I'm an Angel Soft? It's basically Capulets and Montagues all over again. We need to let these topics come up organically lest our future be decided before it even begins.

Pictures taken recently to prove I'm interesting and/or not a toad:

I'm on a plane! Look at how well traveled I am!

HAHAHA what a silly face.
And oops, subtle cleavage.
(For real though, planks can suck it.
My profile name should have been puckflanks.)

Gratuitous full body shot to prove I'm the body type I say I am.
If you don't want me when I'm sweaty post-workout, you don't deserve me when I'm freshly showered thrice a week, maximum.

Thank goodness all of my pictures were selfies. I'd hate for you to get the wrong idea that I have actual friends that I hang out with.

Who should message me: If you are single, as in not married, and tall, dark and handsome, definitely message me. Also if you're Tom Hiddleston. Or Adam Levine. Or young Harrison Ford.

Comments

  1. I love your profile! Hopefully your Tom Hiddleston will come along!

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  2. Fabulous profile; it's totally honest and real, just like you. I love it.
    xoxo
    Rachel

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  3. That is the most honest online dating profile ever. Love it.


    Your great dude is out there, I know it.

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  4. Thank you for turning around my sad day Nerky. You are one funny lady and I think we should be best friends! Please! No? ok...

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  5. Young Harrison Ford for the win! Also i think you should actually make this a profile on one of the online dating sites, just to see what happens. You can still say no to dates, or dating anyone on there. but hey see what happens! Honesty is the best policy and love the profile, it rules!

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  6. BYE FELICIA cracked me up, thanks, I needed it :)

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  7. Seriously, the best thing I have ever read. Boom.

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  8. Baha- That is the perfect dating profile. Your honest up front and if the don't like it they can keep steppin'.

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  9. Puckflanks would have been a little less STDish than buckfurpees.

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  10. I'd date you with that profile . . . except I'm straight and married. But just thought you should know I thought it rocked!!! And good luck!!

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  11. Mother Effer! I had a whole big long comment typed up, and then damn it iPhone, it just disappeared! Long story short, I'd been there done that with Internet dating. I had a profile set up on good ole Plenty O Fish, and pretty much only got contacted by douche canoes. One day, a seemingly decent guy messaged me and we emailed/talked on the phone for a month or so. I DID NOT want to meet him, because...internet/douche canoes/been there done that. My coworker talked me into it, because what could it hurt, right? BAM. 5 years later, here we are. Been married for 3 years in June. If there's not anyone decent out there for YOU, then these men have serious issues. If I were a dude, and not married, I would totally date you. You are hilarious! Good luck!

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  12. Love the profile! This made my Friday :)

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  13. Seriously you have posted this profile and to no avail? Because seriously I would hire you to re-write my profile with the perfect amount of snark.

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  14. Hahah haha. Love the way you write.
    I cannot wait to hear about the hits you got

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  15. Angela (@Spamgela twitter and @Cookiemomster IG)May 12, 2014 at 6:54 AM

    she's not lying about the showers :/

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  16. I think I know what the problem could be. And this is all opinion but I'm a guy so take it for what it's worth.

    There is a fine line between guys with confidence and without.

    Guys with confidence often are #1 already in a relationship because they aren't afraid to ask a girl out or #2 only into the one night stand because they assume that's what a self serving mid 20's cat thirsty dude are supposed to do and have no thoughts about what the repercussions could be physically or emotionally.

    Guys without confidence will frankly be scared of your profile. You have a lot of earned confidence in your life. It's not fake. It's totally earned. You crush the mom thing, the weight thing, writing, food and general eclectic awesomeness. That's going to be a tough sell for a dude who has either been hurt recently or has never had confidence with women.

    So there is the problem. I don't want to be that guy and leave you with just a problem. Here is the solution: Keep swinging.
    It's frustrating. I know. I had to go on a crap ton of dates( think 50+) before I met the one. She was the only girl I ever dated that could handle the awesomeness of me. I am a handful. I go 1,000 miles an hour and then when it's time to rest, I expect to just chill. It's tiring. It took someone special to make all that work and I was in the same place you are now. Keep churning. You are advertising the right way. It's all you with no bull. Straight up honest and laying it on the table (twhs?). It should be working but dudes are stupid, horny and will try to make it with you before the previews are over. Hang in there chica. The guy that lands you is going to be awesome and worth the time investment.

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  17. If I could get you and my brother together to equal true love, that would be amazing. We'd be like the best sisters-in-law Eva! Too bad he's in Missouri and doesn't quite meet your tall dark and handsome ideal. Your man is out there somewhere! Feivel, anyone?

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