Friday, June 13, 2014

Frisky Friday: Proceed with Caution

Be careful out there, people who are dating someone with a kid. It's a whole 'nother animal. Literally. There is another human involved. A tiny one.


First of all, single moms are always looking for a new father for their children. I can't stress this enough. Brush up on your dad jokes and bust out your fanny pack, it's family vacation time to Disney World for your first date. Get ready to get married by the end of the year, because she needs a man in her household to run things. Show her you're ready for commitment by disciplining her kid when he's being a turd blossom. She'll love that. Likewise, single dads are helpless creatures who can't do anything for themselves or their kid and very clearly need a woman to clean up after them.

Secondly, it's important to treat single parents as if they have some kind of disease. Tread lightly and don't touch them or else you might catch it.

Third, fugeddabout having a sex life. Single parents don't want or need any of that noise. When a kid enters someone's life, they immediately stop needing to feel desirable. Who even has time? Single parents barely have time to shower, much less think about getting naked in front of someone, and you can count on there always being food particles in their hair and stains on their clothes. Like I said, single parents aren't normal people. They're different and weird and icky.

</sarcasm>

But for real, though. Dating as an adult out of college is a weird thing. Dating with a kid is weirder. If you thought the rules were fucked in dating (OMG do I text him? When? What do I say? I don't want to be too clingy, but I want him to know I'm interested. When are you supposed to get naked? OMG HE TEXTED ME BACK WHAT DO I DO NOW. Etc.), shoot a kid out your vag and then check the rulebook. 


The number one reason I get dumped/let down/whatever you call it when you go on a couple of dates and it fizzles out is because I have a kid. That's saying something, too, because I'm awkward as fuck weird or whatever. Maybe I should go lez. That's a choice a person can make, right? Too bad BeyoncĂ© is taken. 

2 comments:

  1. Your too funny but I completely agree. I was a single mom and it was HARD in the dating world. You have to find someone that likes you and then they have to like kids and then they kinda have to like your kid.... then when they like woman and the kid the you have to determine how often your kid will see said guy.. or do you even introduce them in the first month, week, year........oh the process and the rules.

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