Welcome to Costco, I love you

Costco - the beacon of life in suburbia with its plus-sized food, carts and people. Welcome to 'Merica, land of ALL THE FOOD ALL THE TIME. Do I need a pizza that's bigger than my oven? YEP. Can I afford the dental bill if I eat this bulk package of 35 candy bars? YOLO. Will I live long enough to use all of this toilet paper? MAYBS.

I have a Costco membership, which seems silly since 1.5 people live in my house. Whatev, it's something I won in my divorce and I kept it up because I like their produce. Also they have good toys around the holidays. Also my friends use me to get into the econo-pack wonderland for free samples and sweet deals on vats of mustard. (Also I didn't know it would automatically renew.)

I don't do Costco like most of the rest of the nation, though. Just because you CAN buy a big package of 50 little packages of donuts doesn't mean you should. Just because you CAN stay up however late you want and eat candy for dinner every night doesn't mean you should. I put my big girl panties on and steer clear of the packaged food aisles. Ain't nobody got time fo' processed food and/or rampant obesity.

The blue box barely visible on the bottom left is a gargantuan box of tampons.
I hope I don't reach menopause before I use them all.
The bottle of pills in the middle is Xanax. You get that for free when you walk in.

My plan of attack: Buy all the veggies. Go home and cook enough for the week. Freeze the rest, even spinach - it's perf for smoothies. Sometimes I split the monster bags of veggies with other people. I mean, that's a lot of fuggin' broccoli for one damn person, and that bag o' spinach is bigger than I am.

Things I tend to buy at Costco vs. a regular grocery store:
- Berries. Shitbitch dem raspberries are good. I always get razzies and bloobs there, and occasionally blackberries for the kid. I'm not a huge fan of blacks. (BlackBERRIES.)
- Chicken sausage. I like the chicken and apple one and it doesn't expire immediately and it comes in 3 separate sealed packages so you don't have to cook it all at once. Excellent.
- Applesauce, gum, tampons, protein bars. All things I use regularly enough to justify buying in bulk. (I MacGyver tools and weapons from them.)
- Nutella. Just kidding, I only think Nutella is OKAY. But for people that love it, you can get a 2 pack of huge jars for like $9. I can hear you drooling, guys. Keep it together.
- Toys. During the holidays they have awesome toys for cheap. No brainer.
- Costco brand laundry detergent. (That's Kirkland for you n00bs.) It's inexpensive and smells nice, just like my mail order husband.

Just don't go on a Sunday, whatever you do. You may not make it out alive.


  1. I have wanted to get a Costco card but I am scared of it really draining my pocketbook. I can keep the hubs away from all that processed crap when we go to Schnuck's but he may wonder when we go to Costco and he has to always go shopping with me because he loves food more than I.

  2. Not even kidding, this morning I was thinking about buying a Costco membership for my 2.5 family. I went on this whole mental tirade on buying from companies who treat their employees well & only buying from them! All I could come up with was Costco without googling lol. Thanks for the reminder because payday is tomorrow!!! ;)

  3. In Virginia, Costco sells massive fireworks combo packs. Blew my mind.


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