Kid Parties: How to Get Out Alive

I love my kid so hard. That's why I do nice things for him like throw birthday parties annually near the time he emerged dramatically from my ute, even though all of my mom friends and I voted unanimously that kid's parties are the worst thing about parenthood. They. Are. Awful. It's not so bad when the kid is your own (because life is full of double standards), but there's always weird drama and assjokes you don't want to invite but have to and shitface kids who won't stfu while you're sitting there calmly thanking the LAWD that your kid isn't the worst behaved one at the party.

Question: Have you ever witnessed an asshole kid take something from your kid, then the kid's parent(s) don't do a damn thing about it? Ooooo weee that makes my blood boil somethin' fierce

Here are a few tips (just the tip) for going to a child's birthday party and coming out alive from a seasoned introvert expert:

1. Pre-party. You know what I mean. Kids get juice while you're sippin' on gin and juice. Laid back. With your mind on your money and your money on your mind.

2. Don't make eye contact with other adults at the party lest you get cornered by a woman named Rainbow in purple horn rimmed glasses telling you that you really must try her homemade quinoa kale breast milk casserole. Nah, I think I'll stick with my original plan of not consuming any breast milk today, thanks.

3. Avoid blue icing at all costs, or else you will deal with bloop later. (You can figure it out, I have faith.) 

4. Assume no one will understand your sarcasm. It will save you a lot of awkward stares and blatant judgment if you just keep yo mouth shut and make the hilarious joke later on to your friends. (Orange you glad you took this advice? *eyebrow waggle*)

5. Reward yourself for sticking it out through weird party parents, kid meltdowns and sugar highs. You deserve that PSL. Get a grande just this once (because a venti is just too much, it's not like you ended terrorism). Full fat. With whip. You go on witcho bad self.