Eating out with chil'ren

Have you ever taken your kid(s) out to eat by yourself? Things you don't think about until they're happening and you're the only adult on duty: 

- What do I do with our food when they have to go potty and give you less than zero warning?
- How do I handle the attack crow dive-bombing our table?
- How important is it that I clean up allllll the mess?
- What do I say when he shouts, "REMEMBER WHEN MY POOP WAS GREEN?"
- What is the least amount of dignity I'm comfortable with leaving with?

I took my spawn out to Freebirds last night because sometimes cooking is for the birds. (See what I did there?) While we're in line, he has to go potty. We've already started the bowl assembly, y'all, and the stoner kid with a questionable nose piercing behind the counter DGAF about my situation. I KNOW GUAC IS EXTRA, JUST SLOP IT ON THERE AND GIVE IT. The family of snails and/or other slow-moving creatures in front of me also DGAF. Y'all 'bout to get toddler piss all over the damn place if you don't get it together, because when a 3 year old has to go, they have to go RIGHT NOW. I get to the cashier and my kid is doing a serious dance. I ask to leave my food there for a minute while we take care of bidness. She. does. not. under. stand. "You want to leave it? Do you want me to put it somewhere? Where should I put it? It's a lot of pressure!" (Literally verbatim.) Girl, IDGAF what you do with it, I need to get this tiny human to a potty immediately or you're gonna have to get a mop.

We made it, no thanks to the children that work there. 

As soon as we get outside, we have a visitor. 

How boutchall just gimme them chips and nobody gets hurt?

Now, you and I know that birds hang around because humans sometimes give them food and chips taste a lot better than dirt and worms they would otherwise be eating. Tiny humans, however, believe that a bird's sole purpose is to attack and kill tiny humans. (Fact.) Or at least mine does. Perfect, like we need another distraction. Have you ever eaten with a toddler? It takes about 17 years to get through a meal, and LAWD HELP ME if there's a goddamn vegetable on the plate. I mean, heaven forbid some leafy greens. I was never this picky, I swear. Just don't ask my family. Especially don't bring up Brussels sprouts, it's still a sore topic with my brothers.

As he's finally calming down about the bird and focusing on his food, he says, "Mommy, I'd miss you if you went to jail," and then takes a bite. Because that's normal.

Well then you better eat that quesadilla up, child.


  1. Perfect recap. Been there, still doing it.
    I've had employees watch my food while I handle the potty monitoring duties. And then she decides its a poop time, the girl is a slow pooper. haha..too much? Chipotle has had to make our food a second time because they end up thinking we left completely without eating.

    1. Hahaha yep! The words, "Mommy, I have to poop," are basically the worst when you're out to eat.

  2. Every public toilet is the best place to poop according to my youngest (who is now 8). Slow pooper and wants me in there still, even though she is old enough for me to walk outside the bathroom door and wait for her, she wants me there. Lovely. It is a little better now, because she used to have to undress to poop and that would make me want to vomit, because she would then sit her nekkid behind on the ground (of the GROSS PUBLIC BATHROOM) to put her clothes back on.

    1. hahaha kids are so uninhibited. I wish I was so cavalier about pooping in public. I mean, like in a public restroom. Not out in the open. Just to clarify.

  3. Oh man - been there, done that! My daughter just turned 4 and she just realized that everyone laughs at the mention of "toots" so she likes to repeat the word over and over again in public because people always laugh. Last month at the hairdressers (note to all mamas, leave your child at home when going for a haircut - you owe it to yourself) she proudly announced in a packed salon, at the top of her lungs, "Mom, I have to poop!" Some found this funny, the old girls tisk tisked us. As the laughter died down, and I get off the chair mid-cut she explains in a loud voice, "Mom, I have a vagina but boys don't they have wieners." I didn't take the time to correct her - save that for another day... or year.

  4. That is funny. I have adult coworkers that are not any different!


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