Mash it.

First things first: Did anybody tear up when Taylor Swift's mom gave her the milestone award at the ACMs last night? (Read: Bawl like a baby.) Just me? Cool. Also, Reba looks AMAZING. Also, what's with the wallet chains? Are they making a comeback? Also, if you're surprised that I like country music, you may also be surprised to learn that I am not a Republican. (Did you hear that? That was me Hulk-smashing stereotypes.) I wish I could have gone to the show because I LOVE award shows and country music and it was basically in my backyard at Cowboys Stadium (which I think is call AT&T stadium now, but who really keeps track), but shitbitch those tickets were expensive and I'm not ready to give up my firstborn yet. Maybe if they would have had a Groupon for it.

Speaking of Groupons, I had the weirdest massage. 

I bought it as a treat to myself after a hectic week at work. Was this a mistake? Is this not how normal people get massages? Because let me tell you a little story.

The receptionist walked me back to a huge open space with two massage beds and a bucket. Cool. She didn't ask me to "undress to my comfort level" as they usually do. Instead, she began my massage while I was laying face up and fully clothed with my legs dangling off the edge of the table, and this included mashing my boobs like my high school boyfriend did in his shaggin' wagon. (It was a station wagon with pillows and blankets in the back. Not even kidding.) Question: Are they supposed to yank your arm out to the side as far as it will go and then press your bicep? (She just wanted to feel dem gainz.) As I said, my feet were hanging off the edge of the table. In a bucket of water. I was secretly hoping for a free pedicure, but turns out she just washed my feet. Like..Jesus? It was Sunday, I suppose. This was the first massage I've ever had that involved a bath. Then? She left with no explanation. She was gone for a solid 5 minutes, y'all. When she came back, she rubbed my leg for so long she had to re-pump her warming lotion four times. And then she did the same thing to my other leg. After the boob handling, I'm just glad she didn't have other plans for her warming lotion. At one point I asked her if she was going to massage my back as well, and she assured me that she would get there and then left the room again. Is this real life?

When she came back, she asked me to flip over on my belly. Aw yeah, gimme that back rub. Wait. Do I feel her...climbing on the table? Is she...straddling me? Yes. The stout Asian woman climbed up on the table, swung her leg over me and sat on my ass to elbow jab me in the back. This must be a new technique I'm unfamiliar with.

When she finished, she climbed off of me with no words and left the room for a third time. I figured it was over, so I start to get up as she returned with a dixie cup half-filled with water, handed it to me and stared me down. What is this for? Do I wash something with it? Do I shoot it? Do I sip it? Am I about to be roofied?

It was the most confusing massage I've ever had.

Comments

  1. Was it supposed to be a Thai massage? When I was in Thailand I got a similar massage (minus the boob-mashing and five-minute breaks, though, that's just totally bizarre); the lady walked down my legs, cracked all my knuckles, and massaged my armpit area for a long time. Not exactly what I expected, but I chalked it up to a cultural experience.

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    1. Could have beenm sounds similar. It wasn't a Thai place though, that's the only thing. I feel like they should have had a boob-mashing disclosure, regardless. And also maybe a "massage therapist takes frequent breaks" sign.

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  2. Yes definitely a Thai massage. We have a little place where they do that and it's so weird at first but I will take a real expensive massage over that any day!

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    1. Lesson learned! Maybe I'll do better research next time. Maybe.

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  3. Cliffhanger....what WAS the water for? lol

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    1. I don't know for sure, but I shot it like I was at a frat party and crushed the cup in my hand to show her who was boss.

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  4. Sounds just like the cheapo Asian massage place I frequent.

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    1. It was definitely cheap, that's like 93% of the reason I bought this one, ha!

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