Tame your lettuce, please

FuckaDUCK, swimming is hard. Thank the lawd it's the first leg of the tri so I have 100% of my energy available and at the ready to expend not drowning. I went to the pool at the gym last weekend for my first training swim and got my ass handed to me by an old man swimming lap after lap with no break. I'm pretty positive he was secretly racing me, but it wasn't a fair fight considering I was choking on chlorine and flailing like a cat in a bathtub. (On a positive note, I discovered that my gym has a hot tub. Sweet.) Swimming is clearly not my strong suit and I'm nervous AF about it for the race. Obviously I need to practice more, but I can't do that with the lame-o silver swim cap I have, so I went window shopping. On the internet.

Y'all, it's perfect.

The thing is, I also don't have a one piece or a sporty swimsuit. I'm in the bikini4lyfe club ever since I lost all that weight, and wearing a string bikini to the gym pool will not get you any street cred. I know this because people looked at me like I was a total n00b in the locker room. (It had nothing to do with my nip slipping out briefly. Probably.) The good news is I found a much more SUITable option:

Internet, you are nailing this.

And in case you find that lettuce to be too ostentatious, here's another option:

Tame your lettuce, folks.
It's also a triple decker.
And it's on sale.

I seriously need both the suit and the cap to wear for each training swim to remind myself of the delicious burger I'm working toward. (Grub Burger Bar, I'm lookin' at you and your guacapotle. It's not even a want, it's a need.) 

And for those of you who train with a friend:

I wonder if it comes in "sweet potato fry".


  1. If you're not using goggles and a nose clip, you might want to try that. It totally helped my swimming with the tri!

    1. I definitely have goggles! Total lifesavers. I didn't think about a nose clip. Ever since I inhaled water doing a flip in the pool when I was a kid, I've had a habit of breathing out my nose the entire time I'm under water so I don't breathe in.

  2. OMG! If you buy that cap and suit there better be selfies. If anyone can pull off a burger cap and suit it would be you.

    1. I feel like it's my duty as an American to AT LEAST rock the cap.

  3. Angela (@Spamgela twitter and @Cookiemomster IG)May 7, 2015 at 2:07 PM

    burger cap, fry suit - duh

    1. Don't tell me how to live my life.


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