Babies, babies everywhere

As long as there are people who have tingly genitals (I hate the word "genitals") there will be babies, and as long as there are babies, then there will be baby showers. I have opinions about baby showers.

Sure, I'll smile and mutter profanities when I accidentally say "baby" and lose a clothespin. I'll play the game where you guess the baby's arrival date and/or stats based on zero evidence. I will not invade my pregnant friend's personal bubble by measuring her belly with string so we can all laugh at how huge she is. I will not touch, rub or otherwise fondle her simply because she's pregnant. I mean, what even is that about? No. No touching.

I generally don't get put in charge of planning baby showers because I don't like the games. Or maybe it's because I'm an asshole, who cares. I am tasked, however, with bringing dessert to a shower tomorrow for my BFF who is in town from Germany to get some sweet American baby swag. Obviously I'm going to crush it, I didn't get to 200lbs without eating homemade dessert a few times, mkay. I'm gonna be like phoebe with her cups and ice.

Speaking of showers and the reason you have them (gifts), I have the perfect book for a new parent if you have any pregnant friends friends who have young kids that need a laugh. It's been a battle lately to get my spawn to bed at a reasonable hour, and it makes me feel a lot better knowing that other people are dealing with it too. I mean, what 3 year old can stay up til 2am? Jesus.

Tackling the real and ever-present issue of coercing a child to sleep.

An excerpt:

It is bullshit, kid. What's not bullshit? Samuel L. Jackson recorded the audiobook version and it's pretty awesome. What's your favorite baby shower gift to give? Ten points if you say it's nipple cream. Sore nipples are the other real and ever-present issue of having an infant.


  1. That book is hysterical. My daughter's Godparents got it for her when she was born; we loved it, our parents however were totally offended... that made it even funnier actually!
    Why not give the Mama what she will actually need: some frozen pads, nipple cream, Preparation H and some damn ear plugs? My husband had to get me nipple cream while I was still in the hospital and he had to go to 3 stores- bet that embarrassed him. Whatevs... I just pushed a human out #sorrynotsorry

  2. I think I need that book to read to my husband. He refuses to retire at a reasonable hour.

    Also, I hate ALL shower games. I flat out refused any and all games at my wedding shower, and instead we painted flower pots that served as table centerpieces for the wedding. It turns out, I am totally into arts & crafts showers, and so now I'm trying to figure out ways to make this happen for a baby shower. I'm thinking that decorating and tie-dying onesies could be pretty rad.

    1. That would be pretty rad! Also, is this your way of telling me you're pregnant?


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