Dear 16 year old me

Dear 16 year old me,

We have a lot to talk about, but let's narrow it down to one thing right now. Can you please eat more than 500 calories in a day? It's not going to work and you're not even fat. A hard boiled egg and a pickle is not lunch. 5 saltine crackers is not dinner. Whatthefuck, child. Do better. Listen, I know you're not the skinniest, hottest girl in school, and the thing is, it's gonna get worse before it gets better re: body fat %. Let's just be real. When you finally discover trashcan punch and Sukhothai in college - it's a local "Thai" place near your school where you can get A LOT of questionable Thai food for like $5 - you're in for an awakening. (Just ignore the cockroaches. It's fine, they don't wind up adversely affecting you.) When you get married and comfortable it's going to get even more rocky re: body fat %, but it will get better. You will figure it out eventually, but it would be helpful if you could build a healthy foundation now. You're not always gonna have the metabolism of a teenager and soccer every week to burn off any excess calories from all the times you slurp a shake from Steak 'n Shake and mess with the sign out front. That is, once you finally snap out of this 500 calorie/day business.

Also, you definitely won't remember who the hottest girl in school is when you're my age, and neither will anyone else. That one guy who looks like a serial killer winds up in jail, though. Not for serial killing, but still.

Also, your glasses are cute and will be totally in style in just a few years. Rock 'em and don't listen to your brothers. They're just being dicks. 

Sincerely, 
You at almost 30

P.S. I don't want to spoil too much, but you wind up getting divorced. Since you tend not to date/marry total doucheknobs (except that guy you're about to date in a couple of months - he's funny, but he's a real asshole to everyone. Open your eyes and you'll see it, and definitely don't let him touch your boobs), it's actually pretty easy and amicable. Great job. In the next letter we'll talk more about who you should and should not allow boob access. Ta ta for now. (Get it? Tatas? You are and always will be hilarious with zings like that.)

It's really their fault for having their sign on the ground.

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