Can I get endorphins from koala pee? Asking for a friend.

Buying a house is neat. I've stress-eaten all the things instead of being that woman everyone hates that's all "YEAH I can do all the things and keep my sanity while working and momming and coaching my kid's soccer team and moving but then not moving and then maybe moving oops no, not moving, okay now moving but it's still a maybe, if only this asshat could be a REALISTIC HUMAN BEING FOR ONE GODDAMN MINUTE while still keeping my house spotless for showings and then getting a contract finally and then that bastard backs out for a completely unreasonable reason, THANKS OBAMA, but not before he has my garage unnecessarily inspected separately from the original home inspection and the inspector BROKE MY GARAGE SPRING and now I have to get that fixed on top of all the things in addition to fixing up my manfriend's house to get it listed and also my spawn and I both being in a wedding this weekend and shit getting real at work what with my job sorta changing and the holiday party coming up and that shit is always stressful because I plan it and WHAT IF IT SUCKS and then on top of that the holiday season in general is a busy and expensive time but I can do it all and workout 2 hours a day and eat nothing but kale and koala piss and be perfectly happy and sane without any drugs or wine or sleep." 

But ya know, I'm just not that girl. 

Real life is busy and sometimes I eat a lil tub of Reese's peanut butter and two fun size Snickers for dinner. Working out becomes more difficult when your house is on the market. I had to store my treadmill and bike in the garage along with a shitton of other stuff to de-personalize the space, ergo effectively ruining both my living room and garage for exercise. I can't go for a run with my spawn home, and I've lacked the motivation anyway because my days are so jam-packed and I'm tired of crashing and burning real-estate-wise. Plus it gets dark so early. The other night I did some squats and ab work in my living room for about 20 minutes and my quads were sore for 3 days. I still weigh the same, but I feel like shit. Prob the lack of koala piss in my diet coupled with the lack of regular endorphins from getting swole. I'm going to have to re-up my work gym membership and start going at lunch again lest I lose this godforsaken bee bet.

What I really need is someone to hand me a triple venti nonfat chestnut praline latte in whatever the fuck color cup they desire and two million dollars. Then I could buy enough drugs to cope with the life-tornado. And probably a new purse.

Also, shout out to the people who string together all the hilarious/cute memes and pictures. You are true heroes. And a special high five to these people, not only for having a lawn dinosaur, but for dressing in in seasonally appropriate attire:

Because not enough people decorate for Thanksgiving.

Rudolph should have known better.

Comments

  1. Angela (@Spamgela twitter and @Cookiemomster IG)November 12, 2015 at 6:40 AM

    and you don't even LIKE peanut butter...

    ReplyDelete
  2. So should I go ahead and buy the domain name that we will use to sell the honey?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahah uh huh Mr. I've-gained-it-all-back. Nice try.

      Delete
  3. If you like memes, you should follow single dad laughing on Facebook. (If you don't already) He posts like 10 funny memes twice a day morning and evening editions, and sometime 18 and up editions (for those who think they can handle it ;) ). His blog is pretty funny, and I'm not even being paid to say that, just a fan!

    ReplyDelete

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