I need a posse of strong men in the event of stairs, stat

TWD Y'ALL. I'm so glad they came back to this story line, but I won't ruin it for you because I'm totally not a porchdick.

Anyway. You know I love awards shows, especially the music ones. It's not even about the awards, it's the performances and the outfits and the sparkles. Last night's opening dance number for the AMAs with J.Lo and her agelessness made me wanna quit my day job and dance (and also not age, but lezbehonest I still get carded for buying alcohol so we good). I'd dance at home. Dance at Target. Dance while I'm getting an oil change. I could put a tip jar out and make some money that I'd be losing by not working. It's not stripping if I keep my clothes on. It's a totally dignified way to make at least $7.

Selena Gomez is killin' it nowadays, despite not having a full understanding of the word "syncopate". (Brb while I syncopate sriracha to my avocado.) Performance on point. Outfit on point. Sexualized status on point. I wish I, too, had 12 muscular men to carry me down the stairs every day like in her performance.

Speaking of um, not muscular men, the guys in Walk the Moon are basically everyone I dated in college. I had a type. And didn't there used to be 5 guys in One Direction? I remember there was one that left but I guess I thought he came back or something because I'm old and out of touch on the boy band circuit. My favorite is the one that looks like Kevin Bacon, but really only because he has a slight resemblance to Kevin Bacon and that's sorta neat. I don't look like any actors or tasty pork products. Although every time my kid sees a young-ish sorta thin, white female with medium length wavy blonde hair on tv or wherever, he asks, "Mommy, is that you?" Yes, son. That's mommy on the red carpet (Jennifer Lawrence). Yes, son, that's mommy in the magazine (Kristen Bell). Yes, son, that's mommy dancing on tv (Julianne Hough)

So in other news, we may need to take a trip to the optometrist for baby's first pair of glasses.