What I learned as my son's soccer coach

The season is over for the Hulk Smashers and my first season of coaching is gone with it. Y'all, I thought coaching U4 soccer would be a shitstorm of asshole parents and punk ass kids. I was legit nervous about my sanity. You want me to corral a bunch of 3-4 year olds who have never played soccer? You want me to pretend to give a shit when parents complain about me not playing their kid enough or disciplining them? Nah. I'm out on that. No deal.

I enrolled my kid in soccer partly because he liked kicking the ball around outside and partly for the other reason people enroll their kids in sports, to learn sportsmanship, teamwork and discipline from another authority figure. Annnd then there wasn't a coach for the team so I volunteered because YOLO. There goes the idea of another authority figure, but that's fine. It will be an experience I can add to the list of memories I draw from when I'm a hundred and fifty years old telling stories to my great grandkids. Maybe by that point soccer will have evolved into quidditch and I can tell them about the good ol' days when there was just one goal and nobody could fly and how it was much easier then because putting 4 year olds on broomsticks is an all around bad idea.

Anyway, as luck would have it, the parents weren't awful. They were actually super nice and probably grateful that someone finally volunteered to coach so they didn't have to. The kids were mostly well-mannered and sweet too, all in their own ways. I had one troublemaker that wouldn't participate in practice or listen in general, but he would pick flowers and give me big hugs. I had one kid who burst into inconsolable tears and run to his dad every time he fell down, who by the final game, didn't shed one tear because I taught him to get back up when he falls. I got to be that authority figure coach I was looking for, and that was pretty rad. I guess that's the perk of coaching. That, and getting to choose the team name.

They all seem thrilled.
1-2-3-Hulk Smasherrrrrrrrrs!

So if you're reluctantly thinking about coaching your kid's sportsball team, do it. It's a little extra work, but it's so rewarding in the cheesiest, most awesome way. At the end of the last game, one kid came up to me timidly and stood there contemplating for a second, and the next thing I knew he flung himself at me in the biggest bear hug that tackled me to the ground. And my grinch heart grew three sizes. 


  1. Aww Nicely done Nerky, taking one for the team and coaching. That is going to be golden memories for both you and the boy!

  2. Aw! Good for you. We are always the super thankful parents. Haha.

  3. Aw! Good for you. We are always the super thankful parents. Haha.

  4. I have 2 girls, 15 & 13, and I have coached their softball teams since they were both 5 years old and I coached recreation volleyball for 7 years. It is the most rewarding feeling EVER! Every year I always hoped that I would teach them at least one thing that they didn't already know. Every year, they all taught ME things. I am sad that both of my girls are too old for me to coach their teams now. I would do it all over again. Your fun is just beginning!! Tons of memories are in the making!


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