Part 3: This is the wedding you've been looking for

Read part 1 here.
Read part 2 here.

Shel and I became bros. I imagine he is a spindly middle-aged gay man with silver crowns on his molars, but it's hard to say because we haven't met in person. He was the wedding coordinator for the chapel and he called on Christmas frantic about my ceremony the following day. He wanted to triple check about the limo and what time and when our flight was and all that. I was reassuring him that it would all be fine, which seems ass-backwards, but hey that's been the theme of the trip so far. 

It's hard to be annoyed at someone who called to double check on us on Christmas, so I wasn't mad. I told him not to worry about anything and I would assume we were good to go unless he said otherwise.

We woke up the next day and cut in line in front of old people and children at a breakfast buffet in true Vegas fashion. My omelette is the most important, mkay? The thing is, we had to check out of our room before the ceremony, so we dressed in our costumes, I mean completely appropriate wedding attire, packed up our stuff and took our bags with us. We walked through the casino, outside, got in the limo and walked into the chapel as Han and Leia, because VEGAS BABY.


The limo wasn't glamorous at all at 11am on Saturday, but hey at least we didn't have to pay cab fare. Plus, the driver had the most epic mustache I've ever seen so I'd call it a win. At the chapel, we filled out the forms and I asked to borrow something. I had old, new and blue already, so the lady there let me borrow a ring. No sign of Shel, but I learned that he doesn't office out of there.


We sat unceremoniously in the hallway and waited until it was our turn. We met a rando who was there asking about wedding packages "for his friend". He was in the states from Taiwan so we invited him to the wedding. His name was Rey, which is v. fitting if you've seen the new Star Wars movie. 


He was our one guest and he cheered the whole time, y'all. He clapped and hollered and then at the end we got a "professional" picture with him in it and he threw up deuces. It was so great. I bet he went home and told his friend that American weddings are weird AF. 

The chapel wasn't huge. It had room for maybe 30 wedding guests. We walked in together through the doors as they played the Star Wars theme and Rey was cheering and clapping loudly. We got up to the altar and the curtain rose. We saw smoke bellow out and Darth Vader appeared. I couldn't stop giggling at how seriously ridiculous/awesome it was. I think they made us wait so long because Elvis had to change into his Vader costume. He had kind of an Elvis swagger, so imagine Darth Vader on pills and all loosey goosey. 

We were both giggling at that point. I tried to keep it together, but I was like Jimmy Fallon on every SNL skit. We had to repeat after him and we said vows and made promises, but I honestly can't remember them. All I remember is that he made me vow to stay sexy. Pretty sure Darth Elvis was not reading from a traditional script of vows.

We lit a unity candle, which seemed oddly traditional considering the circumstances, and Darth Elvis force choked my manfriend into sealing the deal. Not really, but that would have been neat. He pronounced us married and Rey jumped up and cheered as we walked out of the chapel into the hallway where we met an actual minister who legit pronounced us married because I guess Darth Elvis wasn't for realsies. 

After it was all said and done, the photographer made us take some total cheese pictures, so I'll post those when we get them if any are worthy. Then she opened the doors to the outside and shouted that we were married...to an empty parking lot near a busy street with a HUGE marquis sign that flashed "MARRIED". Okay. We awkwardly walked out with her and took a picture to make the trip outside seem worth it because we were confused about why she shouted at no one. I wish we would have gotten a picture of Darth Vader with one of our phones, but we dropped the ball there. We'll have to wait for the real pictures.

Notice the incorrect date.
2 airports in Dallas.

So that's that, we finally made it to the chapel. Fun fact, I wore the same shoes in both of my wedding ceremonies, except they were painted like R2-D2 for this one because I'm older, wiser and more awesome now.

The fun didn't stop there, wait til you hear about our return trip home. Cloris Leachman may or may not have been one step ahead of us holding up the line every step of the way. I mean it probably wasn't her. We were tired.

Comments

  1. I laughed for a large part of this. I totally want to be married by Darth Vader. :-)

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  3. You are a little bit crazy

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