The long journey home

The whole elopement was an awesome adventure full of unexpected turns and chaos and fuckups that were my fault and his fault and both our faults and nobody's fault. It was epic and hilarious and we laughed the whole time at ourselves and other people, and it didn't stop at the wedding. We left the ceremony to change our clothes and head to the airport, but not before climbing to the top of a parking garage with all our luggage to get this picture for our announcement.

That's no moon.

After that we marched on our merry way to the airport. And by that, I of course mean that we paid a zillion dollars in cab fare. We got there pretty early because fool me once, ya know? I walked around to look at stuff and picked up a book (Amy Poehler: Yes Please, it's hilarious and you should read it) and also to get my steps in because this Fitbit has me thinkin' bout all that. (Do you have a Fitbit? Add me! meg(at)nerkyblog(dot)com) We boarded the first flight without incident and I fell asleep immediately and he ordered me a vodka soda and I chugged it right before we landed in Phoenix for our 1.5 hour layover. 

No biggie, right? All easy peasy newlywed bliss and all that shit.


We heard about the tornadoes in Dallas when we landed. And then we heard they were near our house. And then we heard they were really near his old house that hasn't sold yet. Then we heard they were serious. Then we heard people died and houses were leveled. Then we heard the airport was shut down. After hours in the airport with our flight being delayed every half hour, they finally canceled it at midnight.

We sat back to back so we could stretch our legs out.
Teamwork makes the dream work.

The line to reschedule was long, so I stood in it while he held our seat by the plug to charge our phones. The first time I called him my husband was telling the story of our trip to the people around me in line, to which they were all very excited to meet someone who eloped to Vegas. Eventually he came to stand with me and we swear Cloris Leachman was holding up the line because she couldn't find her license. Get it together, Cloris. It probably wasn't her, but we ran into her at every point in this trip, always taking too damn long.  

We waited for at least an hour to find that there were no flights available to Dallas on Sunday. None. Zero. Travelling home on the Sunday of Christmas weekend was not our ideal plan, on top of all flights to Dallas having to be rescheduled. We couldn't wait any longer to get home, so we booked a flight into Austin at 5:45am and rented a car to drive up to Dallas.


After much searching for soft chairs, we "slept" in the airport, guarding our bags wedding costumes with our lives. According to my Fitbit, I slept for 1 hour that night. Luckily I slept most of the flight to Austin, drooling all over my manfriend's shoulder like a good wife. In extreme sleepiness and in health, amiright?

When we landed in Austin it was 9am and sad outside. We were both running on about 2 hours of sleep, yet we still laughed at walking straight past the rental car counter and then eventually circling back to it. We laughed at how rude the lady working it was. We laughed at the rickety shoebox they rented us and we laughed at the fact that OF COURSE it's rainy and the road was slick and we didn't get the insurance.

At some point about an hour in, we had to stop to pee at a gas station/Subway/tire mart in a small town. The women's room was out of order, so once the men's room cleared out, there were a couple of us waiting to go in and use that one. No biggie, right? A toilet is a toilet, we thought. As I was walking in and this big dude who was standing behind us in line was NOT HAVING IT. "I'm not gonna piss myself because of some girl, that's the MEN'S room," so my manfriend was calm and said it was out of order and we'd just be a minute, and that's when the other woman bailed because the confrontation was too much and the guy legit walked up to my manfriend and wanted to fight about it. Is this real life? He stood his ground and guarded the door while I peed in the grossest bathroom ever, and the toilet wouldn't even flush. When I came out, that guy was gone. 

It was sweet that not only did he let me drool on his shoulder, but he also defended my right to indoor plumbing. What a gentleman.

The rest of the road trip home was 2 hours that felt like 10 hours. We. Were. So. Tired. We had to take turns driving. We drove through a river, I mean the road, near the airport, and we narrowly avoided a wreck in the parking lot of the rental car place. That would have been embarrassing and extra shitty because we didn't get the insurance.

We finally got in my car in the parking lot at 2pm on Sunday and headed to pick up my spawn and survey the damage done at his house. His fence was completely blown down, shingles missing from the roof and his city trash can is nowhere to be found, but the house is still there. The damage around the area is pretty intense though. His coworker lost everything. A guy on our plane lost everything. The traffic lights were out and there was debris everywhere. We're lucky we weren't home for it and the kids and pets are all fine.

The trip would have been memorable if getting married was the only thing that happened, but it's certainly memorable now. If we can get through all that without a single fight, we good. Happy New Year!