"If you give a mouse a cookie"

You know that phrase when someone asks, "When are we gonna _____" (insert something you don't want to do - clean the gutters, shave the dog, do the TPS reports, whatever) and you look at them and say, "Do you have a mouse in your pocket, what's this "we" business?"

If you haven't heard that phrase, you're welcome. Use it with pleasure.

Y'all, I legit actually do have a mouse in my pocket car. I only made it to the gym, school and work today out of sheer will because I can't find the little fucker and it's probably scared of me anyway. I mean, I am, after all, a 5'2" giant.

So you may be thinking one of several things. How do you know you have a mouse in your car? Why a mouse? Why is it in your car? Are you gross? Because that's kind of gross. Ew. 

Let's unpack this.

It all started yesterday when I took the kids to the trampoline park after school because my spawn and I always spend Mondays doing something fun together and he wanted to invite the other kids too, so we did. On the way there, the teen went to grab a cookie I had in a little box in the cupholder.

Y'all, if you haven't had Nyakers ginger snaps from World Market, you NEED to have them in your life. They are literally the best ginger snap I've ever had. I recently discovered they have flavors - lemon and orange - and the lemon are good too. Haven't tried the orange yet, and HERE'S WHY.

So he goes to get a cookie and sees the plastic package inside the box is awkwardly destroyed, and I was like, oh yeah I saw that earlier. Looks like a rat got it or something, but surely that can't be. It's been in my car for like a week. I probably just accidentally bought it that way, and oh well I'll pick up another one and we can try them later.

NBD, right? Moving on to the trampoline park - the kids loved it and I got to sit in the massage chair and read a book. It was fantastic and glorious and everyone was happy.

So this morning, I wake my happy ass up at 5:12am to meet my trainer at the gym at 5:30. I gotta work on my fitness, nawmsayin? (Pro tip: sleep in your gym clothes.) I head to my car and open my door and notice a teensy little brown wormy looking thing right. on. the. seat.

This little fucker took a shit right where I sit. GAME ON MOTHERFUCKER. But y'all, it's 5:21am at this point and I have to go. I mean what am I gonna tell my trainer if I no show? "A rodent shit in my car, so I set it on fire and moved out of the state. Can I get a refund on the sessions or...?" No. I wiped it with a napkin, took the vermin cookies out of my car and prayed to the gods that this little fucker didn't cause me to crash on the way to the gym.

As someone who stands a cool 5'2", I'm used to being feared simply due to my stature, so it's only natural that there was no appearance.

I feel compelled to state that my car is not gross. We take in the trash every time we have food, nobody leaves their trash or stuff in it. All of the floor boards and seats are clean and clear. The worst thing I have in it is my travel coffee mug from yesterday, a hoodie and a box of business cards.

After my gym sesh - leg day w00t - I come home and at 6:21am, I promptly woke up my husfriend, aka the icky-thing-getter of our household. Y'all, this man is fantastic in a lot of ways, but he is NOT a morning person. He was not excited that I woke him up for this. 

Me: *lays my head on his arm and stares at him unblinking until he senses my presence*

Him: *startles awake, because who does that*

Me: I don't mean to alarm you...

Him: *opens his eyes a little wider because he's probably thinking I'm gonna tell him someone stole his car or his protein powder*

Me: ...but I think there's a rat living in my car.

Him: *rolls eyes, closes them* Why?

Me: Because remember those cookies? The package is torn up weird and I'm pretty sure I have remnants of rat shit on the back of my leg from where it shit in my seat and I wiped it up.

Him: Oh, yep.

Me: Can you please locate and destroy it?

Him: *eyes are still closed* There's literally no way to do that.

Me: But..it's ew

Him: It's not a rat, it would be a mouse.

Me: Oh, mice are kind of cute I guess. But what if I wreck my car because it runs across my foot?

Him: Just don't wreck the car.

Me: *side eye* Well can you look at the cookie package?

Him: No, just throw it away.

Me: I'm gonna leave it on the counter so you can verify my theory.

Him: *eyes are still closed* No, don't, then someone will eat them.

Me: Uh, false. Not when they see this package.

Him: *snores*

Me: *gives up on the prospect that this will be handled before I leave for work*

Y'all, I understand what he was saying. I didn't want to take any chances that the kids would try to get into this cookie package, but I still needed him to see it. So I made it very clear that these are not to be eaten.

I made it to work with no incident, thank goodness (for me and everyone else on the highway). I don't know if the lil feller is camping out in the car or if it comes and goes through some kind of vent or portal, but obviously this car is defective and I need to trade it in.

Here's a close up of the package. Note: I don't think it's related to the brand of cookies at all, aside from them being hella delicious.

Obviously I should have taken a sick day today. I will keep you updated of further developments in this saga. Can I Uber home or naw? Asking for a friend. (I feel like it's on me.)

**Update: My husfriend says he will capture this beast this evening so we can set it free. He also said he'd pay to get my car detailed. (Just trust me on that last part, you don't need to ask him.)